Let's give an example, a 35-year-old woman tells that she married a man of 30 years. Before the wedding, they met about 10 years. As the woman says, they have a very good relationship, but there is one "but" - her husband's mother is just driving her crazy. "She controls my husband like a little boy. For each occasion, she turns to him, and he obediently obeys and rushes to the rescue. If the husband does not agree with something, she screams at him, and he allows it. And every time I'm going to spend an evening with my husband, something happens to his mother and all plans are ruined, "the woman says.
This woman feels abandoned, since her husband very often pushes her and the children aside, doing something for her mother. Of course it's good that he respects his mother and tries to help her, but by doing this, he destroys his family marriage, the woman needs him to take the reins in his man's hands, and finally he becomes a man. And every woman in this situation thinks:
- why this man can not say no, at least sometimes;
- why does his mother have such power over my husband?
- and what can you think of to separate these two from each other in order to start building your own life together?
So, to the question "For whom I married, for" mama's son "or for a man", the answer is probably not comforting, but leading to reflection.
The answer is - stop making up all sorts of excuses and admit that your husband is a mama's son, because you yourself allow him to be like that. This is your fault. The fact is that his mother set standards and requirements for him, and his woman did not.
A real man is ready and glad to live by your rules when they know him, and he is sure that if he follows these rules, he will make his beloved woman happy.
Therefore, from the very beginning of your relationship, you need to establish rules and ensure that the man adheres to them. Otherwise, he will follow the rules of his mother.
His mother was the first woman to tell him what to put up with, and what not; if she told him when to go home, wash her hands before eating, protect her sister, and always listen and trust her mother, think what this boy will do? So he will follow these rules, because he will not disobey his mother, but also because he loves her. Over time, his mother's rules adapt to his age, to the circumstances, and she will never depart from these demands - and her son, if he is caring, loving, will never back off from them, and will respect, protect, unconditionally love and provide a woman, which gave him life.
The main rules for her husband
It will be until he finds an intelligent woman who will love him and he will love her, who will be able to establish the requirements and rules for the relationship. The main rules are:
- Respect me.
- Our children and I are above all others after God.
- Explain to everyone with whom we communicate, that they must respect me and our relationship.
If you've never set rules for your relationship, then how does a man know about your relationship standards, he can not read minds and so he will live up to the requirements and rules of the one who installed them, namely his mother. It's not that his mother tries to keep your husband, but that you did not take the reins of government into your hands.
The heroine of our story for ten years was silent and tolerated abuse of her mother-in-law, most likely because she was afraid that her husband would leave her and choose her mother if she starts driving a wedge between her mother and her son. However, men behave completely differently, if a man really loves you, and also if this is a real man, then he will find a way that will smooth the contradictions between the wife and her mother-in-law.
Recognize that you do not compete with his mom who changed your diapers to your husband, who knows and can cook his favorite dish, which knows him longer and better than you. You can not stand between your son and his mother if he loves his mother.
To be honest, it's much better to build a relationship with a man who respects and loves his mother than with one who despises his mother and who, most likely, is not capable of a gentle and stable relationship with a woman.
Naturally, you can get along with the man and his mother, and at the same time control what you can keep under control while using your power to establish the rules and norms that you both will observe when building your family.
Instead of worrying about the fact that he once again left you and the children and rushed to his mother in the middle of the night, get up at the bedroom door and say - "I know how you feel about your mother, I know that you love her and you will do everything she asks, but the fact that you are again throwing me and children in order to help move the wardrobe away is not acceptable for me. If you go now, stay there all night. "
In this case, you will notify him about your standards, according to which you want to live and the choice now remains for him, he can go or explain to his mother that he can not come today, but will call tomorrow. You will not be able to control the feelings and actions of your husband and his mother, but you can control your own feelings and expectations from your men.
At the very beginning of your relationship raise the question about the fact that you do not want to compete with his mother and do not want to get up between them, so he needs to tell his mother that:
- The needs of his wife, the bride should not be relegated to the background;
- She must respect the needs of the son to be the earner and protector of the beloved woman, whom he chose as a companion in his life.
What should a woman do?
Every real man needs a beloved woman no less than in his mother, and he understands this. He also understands that if he wants to have stable, gentle and lasting relationships with a woman, he needs to cut the umbilical cord that connects him and his mother. He became an adult and the support he received from his mother: housing, clothing, education, care, etc., must cease.
You just need to tell him straight what you need to ensure and protect you and your children, help raise them, make them an example for children, to be the head of this family. If you say so, your rules and requirements will most often outweigh the demands of his mother.