The status of the "second father", as a rule, for the child corresponds to the concept of "stranger". At least, first time. And the older the child, the harder it will be for the stepfather to establish contact with him or her. Especially if children continue to maintain a relationship with their real father, love it and experience their gap with their mother very deeply. So, a new dad or mother's husband - an ambiguous impression of the child - let's discuss this together.
A stepfather can be loving, caring and generous, but in the eyes of a child he is like a man who is trying to dislodge his father. Of course, this can not be an easy test for a man who loves their mother and who wants to live with her. He has to make a titanic effort to try to convince the child that he is really the one with whom they will be happy together. Naturally, there will be many more trials and errors, but this does not mean that you need to surrender and do not try to change anything for the better. The most important qualities that the stepfather should manifest in the process of communicating with the child is understanding, patience and perseverance. This will be a complex and lengthy process, not once a man will understand what causes an ambiguous impression of the child. But the main thing is not to give up and continue to establish contact with the child, just sincerely loving him and his mother. Children at a subconscious level feel lies, falsehood and insincerity. You will not be able to deceive them, they see through you. Therefore, it is in your interest to enter the status of "new dad", and not remain in the original status of "mother's husband."
At present, many marriages are falling apart, and an increasing number of women with children are creating new families. And the children here are the main victims. They lived with the thought and the belief that his parents will love each other and his own forever, so the appearance of a second father in the life of a child is a stressful and confusing phenomenon. If a child grew up without a father initially and has long accepted the fact that his family will not be complete, then in a second marriage, jealousy, uncertainty and even anger towards the "mother" man comes to the fore. And any attempts to become a second father to reach the baby's heart will be equivalent to a collision with an impenetrable stone wall. At this moment, all that a man can do is wait and continue to try to establish contact. And the position of the mother is very important here. She should be affectionate and attentive with her new husband, but not deprive the child of love. You can not put a child lower in importance than a beloved man. But we also need to change the ambiguous impression of the child to positive and benevolent.
Obligations of the stepfather should not be limited. There are also things that he simply likes to do with the child, and not because he has to do it. Yes, having begun to build relationships with this woman, he takes upon himself the responsibility of caring for her children, to support them, respect and develop real personalities in them. Regardless of when and under what circumstances the mother and father parted in due time - in all cases the child is a victim of his misunderstandings, and this inevitably affects the process of his growth and psychological development.
The second father should not be a negative critic of the child's biological father, whoever he really is. He must take into account the fact that the child grew up without the presence of this outstanding figure - the father - in his life and every word can cause a strong emotional breakdown if you do not carefully think it over. And a woman should help her lover do not go down to charges like: "Yes, your father has long been drinking ..." or "Yes you need him, how ..." and so on. Do not let your new husband insult the child of his real father under any circumstances. So it will only get worse, the child will begin to hate his stepfather more and more.
The second father should never argue with the mother of the child and be especially careful not to raise the voice to the child or, more unacceptably, scream at him. The second father should serve as a good example for the child. He should not show smoking, excessive use of alcohol or, especially, drugs. And if a woman knows about the presence of such weaknesses and weaknesses in a man, she should think a hundred times before building a serious relationship with him. This is not the last man in the world, and you can ruin your relationship with your child once and for all.
The stepfather should observe disciplinary habits brought up by the mother, and take into account the system of her education and upbringing. Do not immediately try to re-educate the child, even if in his character and behavior, something does not suit. The second father must respect the child's private life. Every child, especially in adolescence, needs private life and personal space. Mother is not easy during this period, there is not enough "strong male hand". But even such a hand, that is, a new father, forcibly imposed on a child, will also not be of use. Rather, on the contrary, will alienate the child from you and irretrievably undermine your authority, as parents, in his eyes. In this age period, the more freedom he receives, the more confidence he will have that his parents love him and trust him. Let even one of them - the father - and is not native.
The stepfather should strive to spend some time with the child and make him feel positive. Show that he is not just my mother's husband, but that he does not care what excites him. Help in doing homework, attending sports events and preparing joint celebrations and events will show the child that the second father supports his efforts.
If a man is the stepfather of several children at once, he should not make a clear distinction between them. His attitude towards them should be balanced and identical. The stepfather should include the child in his activities, ask his opinion and ask for help. Fishing, football or cycling can rally a man with children, cause mutual trust. If possible, it is best for a woman to take part in joint celebrations and events. But it is also very important to allow a man to communicate with children in private. If they develop a close and trusting relationship - the mother can sometimes and relax, leaving the children in the care of his stepfather. Even internal obligations will give more opportunities for rapprochement. They will show that the whole family is responsible for their fulfillment, and not just one mom. In addition, the general activities will allow the mother to spend some time alone and pay attention to herself.
The second father should discuss with the mother all decisions concerning the child. School camp, training, shopping and gifts - the mother should be aware of everything, no matter what level of intimacy between the child and the new husband. Also included in these "general" questions are the use of a computer, TV and stereo. More importantly, every family must build its own standards and join them without exception.
The second father should feel part of the team. This means that he must learn to accept the unique characteristics of each of its members, its limitations and strangeness. There will be good and perhaps bad times. And each time a man will face a problem that seems insoluble, but you will need to find the strength to cope with this. And then a beloved woman should be his support and support, helping to establish contact with the child.
The stepfather should not show anger or annoyance if his efforts were unsuccessful. The child needs time to respond to care and attention properly. The mother should help the new husband to cope with the situation, and the child - to accept a new member of the family. Only this way the new father or mother's husband will be able to overcome the ambiguous impression of the child and make him and his mother truly happy.
There are many recommendations for the stepfather to find the way to the heart of his new child. But the most important thing for him is to be yourself. Children feel hypocrisy. A frank conversation or a short game will not leave children indifferent and will help in establishing relations much faster than official prim shots that nobody needs. The rest will make time and a positive attitude - and from the enemy or "someone else's" stepfather can turn into a true friend.