Until recently, the word "matchmaker" was associated only with the immortal comedy of Gogol "Marriage". In this age, when lovers put relatives in front of the fact of creating a family, the matchmaker is atavism. Therefore, the appearance of this in the person of the well-known psychologist Rosa Syabitova caused an ambiguous reaction. At first. For the need for this kind of services has long been evidenced by the bitter experience of many couples who perpetuated their love with sudden divorce. What should a bride remember in the marriage market? What must be done to master the profession of the wife? What is the secret of family happiness? About this and many other things tells the professional matchmaker Rosa Syabitova - well-known TV presenter of the programs "Let's get married" and "Getting to know your parents."
What kind of Rose Raifovna Syabitova herself was a bride?
- First of all, categorical, like many young women. My grandmother taught me the science of becoming a wife. Many of the tips from her life's moneybox I share with the modern brides. Neither the young bride nor her wife are immune from mistakes. Thanks to them we gain invaluable experience. But it is very important that there is a wise man next to him who could tell the only correct decision. My advisor was my grandmother. If there were arguments with her husband, I ran to her. "The husband is primary, the children are secondary," she said, when I complained that he was too strict with them. - There would be no husband, there would not be your children. Let him teach them wit-reason, do not argue with him. They should know that you are one team. And then, caress the child. Explain that it is so necessary, and the father teaches them to protect against many mistakes in the future. "
Judging by the fact that my mother-in-law loved me, I learned grandmother's covenants and was a good wife. With the first husband, I lived 13 years, until his death. Grandmother often repeated: "To marry is to go to the market. While walking - choose, touch, bite, bargain. And how to get married, "eat", that she bought. " It means: while you're a bride, choose. And I got married - for the rest of my life. A man believes in you and hopes that you will keep his hearth, no matter how hard, and you will cope with a difficult profession - a good wife. Here and correspond to it, and do not run at the first difficulty to file for divorce.
On the idea of creating a marriage agency
- The idea to work as a matchmaker was suggested to me by a six-year-old son. Once he said: "Mom! It is not proper to be alone. " So I decided to find the best dad for my children. She asked a friend to introduce me to her bachelor or widowed friends. And he organized a small picnic, during which I met interesting men. One of them even thought about building a serious relationship. And then I realized: you have to marry for yourself. A happy child can only be with a happy mother. You can not walk under the crown with only one desire, so that the children have a father. He already has them, although in memory. Yes, to live without love is immoral. But I liked the idea of matchmaking. That's when, 15 years ago, began my activity as matchmaker. And it was with the help of matchmaking that I found my love.
Is it difficult to find a good husband in the presence of a child
- A woman with children is much harder to find a husband. Any man, I emphasize - anyone - does not want additional problems in the family. The best bride is a young, beautiful, well-off woman and, of course, without the past. A man is inherently selfish, and that's normal. If there is a choice between a woman with a child and a lonely, he will prefer the latter. After all, she will devote all her free time to him, and then to his children. He will not want to share his inheritance with the children from another man. A woman "with a trailer" should be ready for the fact that the problems will be, on both sides: both children and a new husband. She should be grateful that he took her with the children. But do not overdo it, bowing to the wife constantly at the feet. He also made his choice, taking her as wife and taking responsibility for the children. You can not ask a man to fall in love with them. Enough to respect them, and they are his. So those who are in this situation will have to make a lot of efforts to get married again: get ready for the difficulties and be patient.
What is the point of matchmaking and the role of professional matchmaker in the opinion of Rosa Syabitova
- Previously, the ultimate goal of matchmaking was the marriage in the form of a wedding. That is, the fulfillment of the rite of church registration of marriage of a man and a woman. In the old days the matchmaker led a system of agreements between the parents, and the children were faced with a fact. The modern professional matchmaker has to negotiate with the bride and groom. But after all, between a man and a woman should run a love spark, that is, manifest those natural features of sexual attraction, which can not be foreseen. It is impossible to agree with nature, it has its own laws. A matchmaker can only teach how to find the right partner. Hence - the claim. Brides want a particular groom, and the bridegrooms do not want such brides. I constantly tell my clients: "Girls, I do not clone men, I do not zombie. I can only create conditions for acquaintance, teach what needs to be done to attract a man and how to maintain relations with him. " But the young ladies themselves do not want anything! Give them ready groom! As a result, there are misunderstandings, grievances, claims to the matchmaker. Fortunately with the opening of my school the situation began to change. Many brides, after passing it, then very quickly got married. And the girlfriends, looking at them, also pull themselves up. As a result - a change in your personal life for the better.
Do I have to ask straightforward questions: "what can you offer the bride?", "You are a roll-field, you do not have your angle" and like these sometimes discourage many guests. Do I have to count other people's money?
- I am a true matchmaker, and therefore I must adhere to this position. By the way, job descriptions for the matchmaker were written long ago. No marriage in Russia ever began without a matchmaking procedure. The groom's party demonstrated another of its virtues: the ability to behave in public, respect the bride and her parents. The latter made every effort to ensure that no one said that "the commodity was thin" or the bride did not face. They tried in every way to show that the bride's family is no less secure than the groom's family, and marriage is concluded between two equal people of equal social status. In the order of the 20 Russian Family Charter of the Domostroi (in the version of Vasily of Caesarea), it was determined how to raise daughters and issue dowries to them. The beginning of family ties was preceded by the agreement of the parents of the bride and groom, the definition of a kind of "essential conditions" for marriage, a wedding, the size of the dowry, and so on. This position with respect to the new family is still relevant today.
I did not meet a single couple who would be happy only with love. Marriage is a serious life project, the basis of which is the material side. Children can not feed one with love, they will not give you to a good school. That's what I'm saying to warn young people against possible mistakes. Of course, much can not be calculated, but the character of a man as a pledge of the future can be seen. Then do not have to derive the formula of a happy marriage, which our grandmothers knew as well. Do you know what it is? In obedience. The wife must serve her husband and thereby help him. A modern woman does not know that she herself forms a man's responsibility for the family.
Is the opinion "Does it really mean love"? How to save the family?
- I have kept my family, despite difficult periods of relations. This requires generosity. I have it, because I love my husband and believe in him. A man needs a woman who knows how to forgive. I walk by the way of forgiveness, the husband by repentance. I'm looking for a soul in myself. It is very difficult. We like to say that we will not forgive betrayal, betrayal. It's all nonsense. But spirituality is a different thing. And the question is not what to forgive, but whether we know how to do it.
We entered with a husband in a state of higher family aerobatics. And she is dearer to me than millions of people who want to throw me stones. I once again concluded that we are on the right path. Became more responsible, gained the understanding that it is necessary to be able to correctly prioritize. Be a woman even the president of the country, she must first of all be a wife and mother. Nothing can be more important.
What a woman needs to save her family
- Much. But most importantly - a woman should respect a man. My wise grandmother said: "Granddaughter, husband must be respected." And I answered her: "And if not for what?" - "And you find in him what you want to respect, if he does not even know about it, and respect. He will believe it and be respected. " As you can see, everything is very simple.
This is the opinion of the professional matchmaker Rosa Syabitova about the family, marriage and the role of the matchmaker in the modern world.