I remember that day very well. More precisely, early morning. I, as usual, fussed around the house. Looked into the purse - empty. Lord, what should I do? There is nothing to eat in the house, and they promised to pay for the shooting only in a week ...
The husband in a suit and white shirt is in front of the mirror. In the hand - my gift, a bottle of toilet water.
- Kirill, - the voice trembling treacherously, - I have no money at all. You will not give? Do not look up from your own reflection in the mirror.
- Cyril throws carelessly:
- No money? Take care ...
At that moment, my family life disintegrated like a carelessly puzzled puzzle, and I said something else:
"You will not approach me like a wife." Never.
And after all it was enough to Kirill, embracing me, to say: "Sunny, lend while at neighbors, and I perejmu also I will give, do not worry". But he did not say that ...
Itself is to blame. I'm used to it, I'm used to being patient, understanding. I taught you not to worry about anything. Even Kirill's family did not have to be kept. What for? There is a wife who plows from morning till night, like a dray horse, and does not require anything in return. Why twitch something?
The husband said to Love: "You're too strong, you're putting me down." Probably, he is right - I always tried to lead the process. It was necessary to try to become weak, maybe, then he would try to become strong. And it was easier for me to do everything myself.
Itself ... My first word in life. Mom buttoned my coat, I pushed her hand away and said: "Mom!" Since then, more than forty years have passed. On that fateful morning, after listening to her husband's advice, I went to the mirror and started. I saw an unfamiliar woman - a tired, unhappy, unloved, devoted herself to a man who has long been not interested.
.. .God, how beautiful he was in his youth! Madly! Of course, this is all nonsense. But only now I understand this. And then ... I was surrounded by beautiful faces from childhood. Mother, father. Grandmothers, grandfathers. Therefore, I believed that my man, my husband, must certainly be irresistible. In the actress Love Rudenko, the biography has developed very successfully, and in life she was lucky - she has an educated and intelligent son.
Love then finished GITIS: blue-eyed, slim, with a long blond scythe. Laughter - do not get bored with me. In general, life is good and live well! And here - Cyril. He studied in the first year, entered the theater after graduating from the Faculty of Mechanics of Moscow State University. Always dressed with a needle, pleasantly smells of expensive perfume. Yes, and with the "past" - they said, he was married, and even his daughter is. Girls did not give a pass. They ran after him, and he followed me. Flowers wore armfuls, went home by taxi. He dared all the fans. What else does a twenty-year-old girl need? Fell in love, of course.
When we met, Cyril proposed to conduct.
I say: "Do not, this is far away, in Izmaylovo." And he laughed and said that now he is conducting necessarily, because he also lives in Izmailovo. It turned out that from my house to his - ten minutes. And he studied at the mathematical school, which was, very close to my house. By her, I went to the metro every day. But I ran out of the house at ten to eight, because I studied at the French special school on the Arbat Street. And he appeared later. We walked the same street for ten years with a difference of half an hour!
At first Cyril saw off Love after classes at the institute, then - after the performances: after finishing GITIS, Goncharov's course, I got to him at the Mayakovsky Theater. Many actresses in our theater were in love with Cyril, even jumping out into the street to see when he came for me, and, of course, envied.
"The candy-bouquet" period flew by unnoticed: after six months I became pregnant. I did not even doubt that we would get married. That my husband will be the best. And the family, despite the previous one who had not been able to live with Taratuta for almost ten years. Once she needed legal assistance. She remembered Lyova. He is a lawyer, then worked in Vnesheconombank. And they met. Taratuta helped. In gratitude, my mother arranged a dinner party. Then they saw each other in a new way. Began to date. It lasted about two years. Lyova, even on tour to her mother, even dealt with a lot of pimping: "Mom, maybe you'll have a papule? And I'll get the kids together at home. " True, complexed at first - he also has a son, maybe he does not like that I call his father "papules." But my mother said: "Lyova even at work says that he now has two children - Sergei and you." Sergei Taratuta is also an actor and a famous poet.
My parents divorced when I was nine. The second time my mother married late. She was forty-eight, Lev Semenovich Taratute-fifty-three. They were familiar with youth. Once his wife, actress Lyudmila Fetisova, worked in the Soviet Army Theater, along with my mother's older sister, Irina Soldatova. Irina was friends with Lyova and Lyusya. It was an amazing couple. And my mother, watching them year after year, seeing the tenderness with which they relate to each other, even was a little in love with both as a single whole. And suddenly at the age of thirty-six, Lusya dies from a vast stroke. Lyova remains a widower, one brings up Seryozha's son. My mother met my father in the meantime, they got married, gave birth to me and divorced me.
Selili them separately - they were not painted. Levushka suggested, but my mother was held back by the memory of Luce. And then one day she dreams a dream: as if from a huge boulder Luce comes out, approaches them with Lyova, joins their hands and, smiling, leaves back. Waking up, my mother realized that Lusia had blessed this marriage. There was one more case. Once my mother and Levushka came to the play in the Theater of the Soviet Army separately. We met already in the auditorium. Then it turned out that out of two and a half thousand dressing rooms they had two neighbors - the fortieth and forty-first. Then they realized that fate tells them: marry, guys! And how happy I was!
Lyova immediately accepted. Papulya and Levushka began to call before their marriage. I saw how he cares about my mother, how my mother immediately blossomed. We are friends with him. He, like Levushka, is a very reliable person and possesses an inexhaustible sense of humor. They even manage to treat illnesses with humor. Those who today see my mother for the first time say: "Come on, it can not be that she was eighty!" Mom looks wonderful, because she has lived with her beloved for over thirty years. He is for her - the light in the window. And she is for him to this day - Dinochka, sweetheart and darling. Mom really darling: everything that relates to this man is sacred to her. She believes that the most important thing in life is children, parents and husband. I always looked at them and thought: I want the same family!
And when I realized that I was pregnant, I decided that the dream comes true. I was sure that Cyril would be happy too. I told him, and he just ... disappeared. Left alone, I was frightened, I wanted to have an abortion. But my mother stopped:
"It's no use taking a soul!" Let's grow!
- And to live on what?
"I raised you alone, and you'll raise your child to your feet!" Let's help!
My father did not pay alimony, he could not find any permanent job. Yes, and my mother in his tour comedy theater at that time earned quite a bit. Sometimes five kopecks were not enough to buy a pound of sugar, and I was weighed four hundred and fifty grams. I dressed poorest. In the French special school, eighty percent were "midi" children, their parents went abroad, they did not have to wear someone else's clothes, unlike me. So I knew what a need was. But after the decision to leave the child was taken, I immediately became easy. No tears in the pillow, no torment.
And the pregnancy was easy with the actress Love Rudenko, whose biography is known to all her fans. I went on tour to Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, Leningrad. She starred in two films - "Did not wait, did not guessed" and "Vasily Buslaev." For a long time no one knew about my "interesting" situation: I felt so well myself.
From the hospital, in addition to Mom and Lyova, Love was greeted by Katya's best friend and her husband Zhenya. Katya and I spent ten years at the same desk and were creepy talkers. Zhenya pretended to be a father. Nyanechka - flowers and an envelope with money, and she gave him an envelope with a newborn: "Daddy, congratulations!" He played along. He threw back the blanket: "Wow, you, my little one!" And we are laughing! So, leaving the hospital, I did not experience the complex of a single woman with a child. They took me in a taxi to the entrance, unloaded and they say: "Well, we fulfilled our mission. Now let's bring up! "
And it began: sleepless nights, feeding, washing diapers, walking. The allowance is thirty-five rubles - as a single mother. Money was not enough, and when Tolik was two months old, I had to start working in the theater. My son left with my mother, her sister - Aunt Galya or neighbors. I did not play very much, but I was paid a full-fledged salary - Goncharov ordered. Life has improved.
Many, of course, sympathized: one Love with a child - it's hard! I waved: "Why do you regret me? Young, healthy, oh-hoo! And the peasants in life will still be so much - choose to suffer! "It's ridiculous now to remember your presumption. Nevertheless, it was during these years that I experienced my "sunstroke". I fell in love without memory and without hope.
One summer we went on a tour with the theater. Olga Prokofieva was just a birthday. We wanted to mention it, we bought products on the market. And there is no vodka in the shops, only in the restaurant - a dry law in the country! Then Olga and I decided to get a drink in the restaurant. We sit, ordered a decanter, and under the table carefully poured vodka into an empty bottle of mineral water, which they brought with them. Suddenly a guy comes up and says:
"Girls, I know you." My name is Kolya. Once in the "Mayakovka" he worked. And here with one ensemble on tour. Maybe in the evening we can talk?
We burst out laughing:
"What are you, young man, distracting us from an important business?" Do not see what, what process are interrupting ?!
He understood everything, laughed:
- Wait for a visit with another bottle of mineral water.
In the evening they knock in the room.
I open the door. In the corridor, Kolya, and next to him - a dazzling handsome man. I stretch out my hand to him, I tell him mine. And then we were struck like an electric current. We stand silently, and look at each other. The guys were walking around us, clicking their fingers: "Are not we bothering you?"
The guy was the soloist of the ensemble, we spent the whole evening singing him with a guitar for two voices. Leaving, he said the number of the room with his lips. I realized that I will spend this night with him. I tell Ole: "I beg you! Give me your white jeans! "I was so poor, I'm afraid to say. And now I'm pulling on Prokofieva's jeans and go to him all so beautiful. I went to the number. My heart is pounding, my hands are shaking. I knock. The door swings open - on the threshold it is in bright blue swimming trunks. In short, smart jeans were not appreciated ...
Then he got out of bed and took a photo from his bag. She is a beautiful woman and children.
"This is my family, I will never leave them, you understand?"
I nodded.
"I will not say a word to you." And I did not lay claim to anything. The Lord gave me such a strong feeling - what difference does it make how long it will last.
Call:
- Hello, Love? Hello! Of course, you do not remember me, yesterday I went with you to the subway. My name is Janos. We can meet?
I say:
"I'm sorry, I do not understand a thing." Who are you?
It turned out that he on the playbill could see the name of the theater, went there and found my picture in the foyer. We hardly talked. It was not necessary. When he left, I just said goodbye to him. There was no regret, no pain. I set myself up for a short-term connection and transferred our parting for granted. There was a man in my life - and he will not be any more.
Then we met several times in Moscow at some events. He even went to see me with his wife. And I was at his concert. I entered the hall when the lights had already turned off. I do not know how he noticed me. The whole concert looked in my direction. Then he said: "I sang for you."
From the concert we went in one car. In the back seat. They held hands and were silent. They could not talk, we were not alone. And still they said so much to each other then - through the hands.
For me he was the only one. I never felt such a crazy feeling, although I fell in love more than once.
I agreed to a meeting. When I saw him, I was surprised - he looked about sixteen years old. I ask:
"Young man, how old are you?"
"Nineteen," he answers.
"That's it, too." And me - twenty-three, and the child already is.
But it did not scare him. And such a romance spun, I did not even expect. We met for almost a year, he made friends with Torychka, they began to think about the wedding. The whole theater already knew that I have Janosh, asked: "When will you get married?" He met me after the performances. I drove everywhere on my business in my car. His parents invited me to a dinner party. I thought I liked his mother, but it was she who stopped our relationship. When I found out that I have a son. Janosh studied at MGIMO, and she says: "Lyubochka, Janosh can have a brilliant future. Do not spoil it - you have a child. "
- Why are you against it? After all, you have the same fate.
And she answered:
"That's why, that's why ..."
And I realized that it's useless to fight. I'll spoil her life - she'll spoil me and Janos.
I cried terribly, I walked around the phone in circles, but time heals. Gradually I calmed down. And Tol thanks to this parting found his own father.
Once our general friend called:
- Greetings to you from Cyril, he wants to see the child.
At me already breath has intercepted from insult.
- So this is how it is! Has passed the time of non-washed diapers and sleepless nights, now you can also see your son?
"Do not get excited!" He became quite different, with Masha, his daughter from a previous marriage, communicates, helps.
This, apparently, bribed me. Ten years of fatherlessness from my memory could not be erased even by Levushka. I did not want such a fate for my son. A child needs a father. Especially the boy: after all, not every question can be addressed to my mother.
We met with Cyril, we talked. I, as always, got angry: everything is fine with me, I live wonderfully, the crowd admires, maybe I'll be married soon. And he keeps repeating: he loved only you and now I love him. Forgive me, they say, did so because of youth, because of stupidity. Give me a son at least to see. Okay, I answer, only that you are a father - not a word. And then suddenly you disappear again, but what can we do? There is no need to hurt the child.
Let's go together Tolik from the summer kindergarten. My son was then four years old. Cyril and Tolya got on the train next to each other. I look at them: Lord, how similar! And suddenly Tolya asks: "Dad, will you come to me yet?" And after all, no one told him that Cyril was his father. My heart began to ache. I realized that for the sake of the child I should step on the throat of my pride. About myself at that time least of all I thought. I knew that my son needed it. And I'll somehow ...
Although, maybe, it would not have been possible for us, if it were not for Cyril's mother. Nina Pavlovna had cancer. We came to her together, she hands out to us: "You, Kirill, six months later, marry Love. Promise me! "She knew that she was dying, and mourning after the death of a loved one lasts six months. So the question of marriage was decided by itself.
Both Cyril (husband and father-in-law), when they were without a woman, were completely taken aback. I rolled up my sleeves and let's put things in order. The house was to be demolished, twenty years ago they did not repair it. The oven did not close the stove - it was supported by a stick with a stick. In the kitchen cupboard, who did not live - both bugs and ants. It was necessary to change the sink for a long time. The refrigerator was leaking. The plaster on the head was poured.
Love received a fee for shooting, went to the market, bought wallpaper, cement, putty, paint. Helped the painter to glue wallpaper, paint windows and batteries, cut the tiles. The father-in-law only planted his hands: "Well, Love, a craftsman!"
That's really who the holy man was, so this is my father-in-law, Kirill Grigorievich, his bright memory, died recently. If it were not for him, maybe we would not have lived with Cyril for so long. Grandson loved without a memory and helped me a lot. I often came home late, my husband had already seen the tenth dream, and the father-in-law was waiting: "Love, what will you be? I fried your favorite cauliflower. "
And then he will buy flowers on the name day, hide on the balcony, and in the morning they are already on the table: "Love, this is from us with Kirill." And always the money for a birthday present will give: "Buy yourself from me what you need."
I am tormented by a terrible sense of guilt in front of him, because he died shortly after my husband and I broke up. The father-in-law has been sick for a long time, but it seems to me that he allowed himself to leave, when he had no one to hold, there is nothing to unite. I left, Cyril began to live with another woman, Tolya - with his girlfriend. He was not worried about anyone.
So my family life passed between two deaths: mother-in-law and father-in-law. Wonderful were the people. Nina Pavlovna was in charge of the department in the children's polyclinic. From morning till night she treated children and, except for a box of sweets, a scanty salary and monstrous fatigue, had nothing. The father-in-law worked all his life in a closed scientific research institute as a civil engineer, supervising a huge team. After retiring, he helped me around the house, bought food, and cooked it perfectly. Not the husband did it, but the father in law. Once we talked with him. I ask:
"Why is not Cyril like you?"
"Younger son," he says, "beloved, spoiled ... You must forgive him."
Now I scold myself. Would then be cleverer - the ardor of its economic poumerila. I would give Cyril the opportunity to prove himself like a man. I would have wept in my shoulder, they say, if not you, then who? And I took everything into my own hands. He did not feel the need to take care of the family.
No light, no dawn woke, she cooked breakfast, she fed Tolash, took them to the garden, and later to school, ran to the shops, cooked lunch and went to the rehearsal for the theater. From there I rushed to take Tolya home, fed, handed my grandfather in my arms, and flew off headlong to the play. I returned at night - and did not even feel tired. Happy, happy: everything is fine with me! My child grew up with his father and his grandfather, and more importantly, nothing for me was not. Kirill and his son spent a lot of time helping with the lessons, and they always had common themes and interests. I thought sometimes: thank God that I then became pregnant. Whenever she gave birth, hectic?
In short, the role of a happy wife, I played wonderful. Cyril publicly strived to embrace, kiss and say how much he loves. My friends looked jealous. No one even suspected what this life cost me. I was a cook, a cleaner, a washerwoman, a machine for making money, but not a woman, my beloved, the only one, the one I wanted. In an intimate life, my husband and I were, to put it mildly, not all right, but I even thought about it from myself. By forty years you understand how this aspect of the relationship is important, and by youth only care, so that no one can hear anything through the walls. Yes, and I'm terribly tired.
Family life is not an easy thing. I was jealous of his friends, and he told me - to work: Kirill did not develop his acting career. Maybe for this reason, maybe for some other, but he often crossed me. Once in the winter, friends behind him, far from being righteous, were invited to the bathhouse for the city. I begged: "Do not, stay home!" Afraid - will disappear with them. Running after the car in boots on her bare feet, she called: "Cyril, come back!" But he left ... Then I sat at the window, I cried, I drank valerian. Wait until morning.