When it happens to drive past an old brick house not far from Alekseevskaya metro station, I always remember the events of two years ago. I have been accustomed since childhood to the fact that everything in life must be done according to the rules. Wash dishes immediately after eating, cross the street to green light, do not be rude to the elders, even if they are wrong. And certainly not to move to a guy you know less than a month. Vanya opened the door, let me go ahead. I went in, put the travel bag on the floor and looked around: a bright, cozy room, cushions on the couch, on the kitchen table - two clean cups. At the door, as if waiting for the hostess, there are brand-new women's slippers. "Now, this is your house," Vanya said, somewhat embarrassed. "That is our common." I put on slippers - my size. I went into the room, sat on the couch, trying my best not to show that I was nervous. Why am I here? But what if this is not what I need?
Acting
... The director of the movie "Stormy Gate" decided to re-sound the heroine. They called me. I've arrived. I look - on the screen next to the actress, whom I duplicate, nice guy, plays perfectly. - Who is it? - I ask. "An unknown boy, the surname will not tell you anything." - And still. - Ivan Zhidkov, he studies at the Moscow Art Theater School-Studio. A few months later Tolya Bely invited me to the White Guard at the Moscow Art Theater. We then acted in the "Talisman of Love" and made friends. I read the program: Nikolka - Ivan Zhidkov. I looked at him and thought again: what an actor! And appearance expressive, scenic. Then we accidentally crossed on the street in the company of mutual friends, we were introduced, we stood together and parted. After a while at the banquet about some premiere, he was again brought to me. Zhidkov said unperturbed: "Ivan, it's very pleasant." "Tatiana," I answered, feeling like a complete idiot. So they met at social events, nodding to each other. I caught myself on the fact that I feel some bewilderment: "It's the same, I did not even ask for a phone number ..." The director of our entreprise - the performance "The Tales of the Old Arbat" - toured in Nalchik and Vladikavkaz: "I promise, the trip will be fantastic!" And, the truth, in the end there was a free day, we were taken to the mountains - to Cheget. Such a beauty! They drank mulled wine, bought sweaters made of sheep's wool, hats, socks ... And relaxed and satisfied, they boarded the plane. I thought, "Who will meet me with such a lot of things?" She decided to call an old friend, Ramaz Chiaureli. We were shot together in the movie "Bes in the rib, or the Magnificent Four", and now he is conducting a radio show on "Mayak". "Ramaz, can not you meet me at the airport?" I brought you a hat as a gift. - No problem, say the flight number. On approach to Moscow, I suddenly for no reason suspected that Chiaureli would come not alone, but with Vanya. Where did this confidence come from? I will not put my mind to it. I go out and Ramaz is standing. One. I stretch out my hat: - Here, this is for you. - That's great! Thank you. You know, I have not come alone. do you know each other? - And shows a hand somewhere to me behind the back. Turn around - Vanya ... Ivan then told me that he was surprised by my reaction, as if I knew that he would meet me. "Hello," I say, "I'm very happy, but I have one hat." He laughed and we went to the car. Ramaz suggested: - In the trunk from the New Year is champagne - Tatiana, take home, drink with Olya on occasion. "Let's open it now!" You're driving, you can not. And we'll have a drink with Vanya for the meeting - is not that a "case"? Ramaz looked at me with surprise: I usually behave with unfamiliar people discreetly ... But the champagne opened and all the way with interest glanced at us in the mirror. - Ramaz said - you are not a Muscovite, - said Vanya, filling plastic cups. - Yes, I was born in Kaliningrad. - Can not be! I grew up there. They moved from Ekaterinburg when I was nine years old. And then it turned out that we lived in one bus stop from each other! We walked in the same courtyard, walked along the same streets.
"It's just that we spent eight years together, and we never crossed."
"Maybe you met, but you did not pay attention to me." I was hooliganistic. He fought, throwing worms at the scruff of the neck.
"Yes," I laughed. "My sister and I were the right girls, and we went around these kilts for a kilometer.
"We arrived," Ramaz announced.
Leaving the car, I suddenly felt regret that the road quickly ended. I did not want to part. At home she told me about her sister. Olga says:
- He likes you. Otherwise, why would he be dragged to the airport?
"Vanya did not even ask for the phone." So, chatted - and all ...
"Do not worry, it'll show up." And faster than you think.
Future plans
Olya before I realized that I began to fall in love. We have an amazing connection with her since childhood. For many twins, similarity is a source of constant problems. But this is not about us. In the family album there is a photo: we are five years old, equally brushed, in the same costumes. We lived in a poor state, and the material for trousers was chosen to be unmarket - dark. On his knees, he put on leatherette, so that they do not fray longer. I made my father's pants. A sewn on my mother's request, the masters of the sewing workshop of the theater. The dressmakers loved us. Parents left us in their care during rehearsals, even the arena in the shop dragged. Of course, like all normal children, Olga and I sometimes fought, dragging each other's hair. Most of the battles happened with the turntable, when we could not decide which record to listen to - "Bremen musicians" or "Ali Baba and the forty robbers". "You have never had much trouble with you," Mom recalled. - You are not capricious, did not require constant attention ... We sat in an arena and entertained each other. " We were obedient children. If my mother said: "Girls, cleaning for you!" - I can not even imagine a circumstance that could prevent us from cleaning the apartment for the return of parents from the theater. My best friend is my sister. At school our class was absolutely scattered, no one supported anyone on the control, never arranged matinees, did not celebrate birthdays. Somehow the girls still prepared the boys a congratulation on February 23, but none of them came. Fortunately, Olya and I always had each other. We and the plans for the future were common. At the age of fifteen, they began to think about journalism, which makes it possible to communicate with interesting people. But the parents wanted us to continue the acting dynasty, and offered to try to enter the theater class to the unique teacher Boris Beynenson. We squealed: "No, we do not want to be artists! This is not our! "In life, so strangely arranged: what you run from, as a rule, then becomes yours. And what you are striving for, eventually deceives. We all the same got to the class to Beinenson. I remember that on the first of September, in the morning, such puffed up, upset people got up. Parents experienced: "Maybe in vain did we put them into it?" But in the evening of the same day they opened the door to us and saw children with burning eyes, absolutely happy. In this school were our like-minded people: interesting boys, girls, wise teachers. We lived two amazing years and were very worried when the admission to different institutions separated us. Graduation performance was "Little Tragedies," Olya and I played in the "Stone Guest", I - Laura, Olya - Donna Anna. Artem Tkachenko was Don Guan. We went to the theater class together. They listened on the same day. He was a little bastard, with long hair, in a colored shirt, funny so, worried terribly, from the stage left in a faint, all green. Now in the thoroughbred handsome, the hero of the "Sword Bearer", it is impossible to make out the features of that boy.
When my sister and I decided to enter the theater after school, Artem went with us to Moscow together. In the Moscow Art Theater, after seeing the twins, they immediately warned: two identical girls are not needed, they will take only one. Teachers at the school said that because of our similarity, problems may arise: someone will take part in plays, make films, others will not. But we believed that this would not happen, and did not want to part. We went to the "Chip". Tkachenko, from solidarity, too. Thank God, all three did. I'm happy that Olya and I did not go different ways for fear of ruining our own career. My sister knows absolutely everything about me. I'm not hiding anything from her. A week after the meeting at the airport, Ramaz called: "I'm having a party at the dacha. Come. " To go, frankly, did not want to. There are a lot of work, and even the beginning of March, the time is bleak - I'm tortured, tired ... "Vanka Zhidkov will be," Ramaz said. And I made up my mind. I thought: I'll stay in a pleasant company, chat with him about Kaliningrad, I'll remember my childhood. On the appointed day I was going to leave the house and suddenly I heard in the news: the great Georgian actress Sophiko Chiaureli died. Grandmother of Ramaz. Said Ole:
"It's better to stay at home." Ra-mazu is not up to fun. And no one will come ...
- And you call.
"I'm afraid." Suddenly does not know yet? I can not bring him such a message. I'd rather go. I'll sort it out on the spot.
Only he alone
Friends decided not to leave Ramaz on such a day alone. The house was full of people - about thirty people, probably. Vanya approached me immediately. He brought a glass of wine, and we settled in a secluded corner by the fireplace. Guests came and went, someone said hello, someone said goodbye, the company kept changing. And Vanya and I did not notice it. "Let's go outside," he suggested. "Let's take a breath of fresh air." It was cold. No one around, only the dog was running. But we all wandered, wandered - listening to Vankin's stories was very interesting: "I was not going to become an actor, preparing for the Polytechnic. But my father, in my opinion, did not really believe in the idea of a technical education. And one day he sent me to shoot a commercial: they say, try, what do you lose? Maybe I just wanted to send my riotous energy into a safe channel. I was not a gift, I shook my parents' nerves well and scandalized, and ran away from home ... I wanted freedom. " That's why Vanya then left the Moscow Art Theater - he was cramped and uncomfortable in the rigid framework of the repertory theater. Many actors would twist a finger at the temple: go nowhere from the very Tabakov! But I understand it: I did not have a theater either. After graduation from the school, I went with my sister to the theater "Modern". All applicants were built in a semicircle and began to be examined, as if on a market of horses. Walking past us, art director Svetlana Vragova said that the acting profession had exhausted itself, there are no more professionals, in the movies and serials, some lack of talent. I started filming in the second year of the school, and listening to these words was unpleasant. But she did not argue, just left the theater and promised herself: I will not go to shows any more. "The theater is, of course, stability," said Vanya. "I've been out of work all winter." Money was not even an apartment to rent, he lived with friends. But it seems like Todorovsky played and appeared in TV shows ... But, not a single sentence for six months. How to cut off. Thank God, I broke through, in the end. Now I'm shooting in Ivan the Terrible. Vanina liked frankness. He did not build himself a superman, did not let the dust into his eyes. And one more in it bribed. Men are ready to listen to women's memories of childhood and family, but for many these intimate conversations are no more than a way to quickly drag the girl to bed. For Vanins questions, I felt a sincere interest. We talked almost all night. Already in the morning he asked:
"What would you like?"
- Seas. The sun. And do nothing. Terribly tired. I have not had a vacation for three years. Take me to the warm sea, eh?
I threw this phrase out without thinking, but he remembered ...
For Vanya came a car - he was in a hurry to shoot in "Ivan the Terrible." And I stayed and terribly missed him. Although there was nothing between us yet. The same thing happened with Vanya. He told me later that he fell asleep in the car and when he woke up, the first thing in his head was Tatiana. Vanya began to call, send messages. He is more open-minded. Well, I do not know how to write: "Oh, my beloved, I so miss." I hate this. I did not save his message. I do not leave them to re-read five hundred times. I do not like beautiful words, I am more convinced by actions. I myself speak little, prefer to do. But I remember, I thought: a person feels the same as me. And he is uncomfortable without me - he seems to have left, but the feeling that he broke up long ago. Returning from the filming, Vanya invited me to a restaurant. In the street there is slush, rain, in one restaurant a banquet, in the other there are no empty seats. I began to sour, but Vanya found a table, ordered champagne and said:
"We are flying to Egypt for three days." Tickets are bought and booked in Hurghada.
"Wan, I just said that!"
"Well, now let's just go." Departure in a week.
Of course, I agreed, especially since I have never been to Egypt. And I wanted so much! And so before the trip two days, and I start to shake: we've only known one week, how can I fly with him to a foreign country ?! I called the driver, who often accompanies me and meets with the shooting. I ask:
"Will you take me and Zhidkov to the airport?" We go to rest together.
And he answered:
- Wow!
"Well, I think - and this one too!"
New move
The plane was in a completely disassembled state. It also turned out that we do not have a place near, but I'm afraid to fly. And Vanya again arranged everything. I lied to my neighbor that we had just got married, went on a honeymoon, and persuaded him to swap places. I think: fighting guy! In Egypt, we spent three fantastic days: bathed, overeaten with different delicacies, sunbathed ... Did not make any plans, did not talk about the future. But when they flew back, I felt: in my life something will radically change. I think that Vanya felt the same. On the day of our return, we did not talk much, did not say anything more. In Domodedovo I said:
- A couple of days fly to the shooting.
"I'll see you before your departure," Vanya promised.
And we went home. A day later they met, and everything seemed to be fine, but I was not let go of the alarm. I had no idea what would happen next. Vanka led some unnecessary conversations, I was smiling ... I lost my confusion at the shooting. What awaits us? Doubts were resolved when, just a day later, he called and said: "I want to live with you. Already found an apartment. If, of course, you agree. " This is how a man should behave - to do things. Walking on restaurants, walking, companies - are fun and enjoyable, but it stops the relationship. I understood everything with my mind, but the speed of events frightened me. And here we are in this apartment. Vanya brought me here from the airport, without even letting me go home. Right now I have to make a decision that will change everything in my life.
"Vanya, I've never lived with anyone before ..."
- Do you remember, Ramaz and I met you at Domodedovo? You went out, and in seven minutes I realized that I wanted to marry you and I want a child from you. Then I learned that Vanya had been choosing all his life. Seven minutes. And he understands: this is mine. My apartment, my car, my thing, my friends. I have the same. I can not say that Vanya shocked me with a certain trait of his character. He's just my man. Although the mind was saying: you are crazy, what can you understand in such a time about each other ?! But I felt it was my man. Also has remained. Things carried gradually. In the end, Olya, having watched how I drag jeans and sweaters from the closet, said: "Yes, stop being afraid already. He's a great guy, and you will succeed. " But I was restless. When the relationship is just beginning, they are still fragile, you need to work on them - one desire to be together is not enough. And we did not have such an opportunity. We were in endless traveling: then touring, then shooting. In isolation from Vanya were born bad thoughts: why all this? I was afraid of meeting after separation. I thought: I will fly, but he will meet me somehow wrong. I was self-sufficient and, unable to stand it, I put my doubts to Vanya. It turned out he was as nervous as mine: "I'm very much afraid that one day you will come to me from the plane of another. And I will understand that I invented everything for myself ... "Fear that feelings can, like dry grass, quickly flaring up, burning without a trace, chased us both. I flew to the Czech Republic for the shooting of the film "Marriage by Will". Vanya said that he will issue a visa and will appear there in a couple of weeks. This is a long time for a short relationship. I was all on my nerves. Ivan will fly to the far end of the earth, and suddenly I'll look at him and understand that he is not the one who I need ?! On the day when he was supposed to arrive, we moved from one city to another. Finally we got there. I was sitting at the very end of the bus, all was trembling inside. I see through the window: Zhidkov stands at the door. One person leaves, another. And he is waiting to give me his hand. I left. The feeling is as if we are going to get acquainted again. He was also embarrassed. We arrived at the hotel. We went into the room. I think: "Lord, what to do?" But then he looked at me and smiled. I immediately calmed down: it was he, my Vanya!
Acquaintance with the Pope
We withstood another separation, and I decided to introduce Vanya to my father, who was just about to visit us with Olya in Moscow. The fact that I live with Zhidkov was known only by my sister. To my mother, I said that I met a young man whom she can see in the series "Stormy Gates". And from the pope in general, everything was hidden. He treats us very much and he looked at all our boyfriends under a microscope. He lived in a sincere conviction that the daughters are solely engaged in creativity. So I decided to introduce it gradually. Olya and I bustled around in the kitchen, asking our father about the house, the Kaliningrad news. The evening was approaching, Vanya was waiting for me at home, and I still could not admit to my dad that I was living in another place. Gathered with the spirit after the call of the alarmed Vanya: "Where are you? When will you come? "She took a deep breath and said:" Dad, I must leave. " Just do not think that you have a windy and frivolous daughter. I'm serious and not windy. But the fact is that I now live not here, but with a young man. Vanya. And I need to go home.
Dad exclaimed:
- What?! With what other Vanya?
"Tomorrow I'll introduce you," I said, and jumped out the door.
Before their meeting, I was terribly nervous, asked Vanya to talk more with Dad, because I could not. Was in some kind of stupor. Dad, too. The whole evening was silent and nervously clicked the remote control from the TV. So Zhidkov had to pause alone, he did not close his mouth for a minute. When we returned home, Olga called: "Do not be nervous, everything is in order. The exam was taken. " One day my friend came to visit us. She told about acquaintances who married and they now have a wonderful family. After her departure, Vanya suddenly says:
- And why do we live not painted? Let's get married?
- What for? The stamp will not change anything, - I answered. But then she agreed: - And on the other hand, why not? We immediately decided that a lavish wedding - with a white dress, a crowd of guests and journalists - would not be organized. I wanted to make a wedding only for ours. Quietly applied. And immediately, as if in a Hollywood comedy, problems began. No, we no longer doubted our feelings. And everyday problems did not reach us. I just started skating in the "Ice Age". All those who took part in this show are unanimous in saying: it is very hard work, and it exhausts not so much physically as emotionally. I was not used to exist in an atmosphere of constant rivalry. I came home and dumped on Vanya accumulated for a day negative. I understood that this was a mistake. In no case can you drag work problems home. But she could not help herself. It was just as hard for me only on the set of the series "And yet I love ...". A complex age role of a descending, drinking woman, a five-hour make-up. My face was tied with a film that froze, but during the dialogues it cracked. The skin was scraping and ache. Vera Alentova was my partner. She is a great actress, but with a character. I was terribly afraid of it. Alentova was very reserved. Smooth, calm. And always collected. It was even worse from that. It's terrible to forget the text, it's scary to mix up something, it's terrible not to squeeze, do not finish playing. Her heroine does not like my heroine, she does not accept. And this in the frame of Vera Valentinovna showed very organically. We with Anton Khabarov, who played her son, were in front of Alentova like rabbits before a boa constrictor. But she all the same helped Anton, something prompted. I was very nervous before every scene with her and exhausted my sister's nerves, which I then lived with. Remember, incidentally, funny stories related to this series. When he went on the air, my friends and I came to a restaurant. I hesitated in the wardrobe, and the guard said: "Do you ever stop banging or not, how much can you do?" Another case. A man approaches me at the airport:
- Listen, it was you who shot in the TV series "And yet I love ..."?
-Yes.
"You look wonderful!" And then I watch the movie and I think: nothing is an actress, pours - and in a frame, floods - and in the frame. On tour after the performance, one spectator hugged me, almost crying: they say, what happiness, that I'm alive and well, because the heroine on the plot died. My parents appreciated this work. Their professional opinion is extremely important for me. Mom was going crazy, could not wait for the next series. And I asked my dad to buy a "pirate" disc. She watched without stopping, and cried so that her heart ached. I shot a whole year and also was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now it was repeated on the "Ice Age". Vanya, as he could, tried to support me. From the shooting ran home, completely took over all household concerns - prepared, cleaned up. When I began to cry and complain that I did not succeed, I consoled. We did not tell anyone that we were going to get married, that's why we were free people for journalists. And since "marrying" partners on television shows has already become a tradition, the "yellow" press immediately attributed to me an affair with my partner Maksim Stavisky. Vanka was terribly unpleasant. Of course, it was possible to dispel rumors, to give interviews, to tell that I'm marrying Zhidkov. But Vanya and I consulted and decided not to do it. True, no one needs, because in it, as a rule, there are no exciting juicy details. This lesson I learned from my first success. Bursting in my biography and finding nothing interesting, the journalists blossomed it according to their own understanding: they wrote, for example, that Olya and I lived with one man. It would be curious to know his name ... So let them write what they want.
Marriage
I concealed my soon-to-be marriage from everyone except my closest friends and my closest friends. I did not "split" even when in training I broke my finger with the blade of my horse and the guys from the project calmed: "It's okay, it will heal before the wedding." And before the wedding there was a week! In the registry office I came with a bandaged finger and, like Vanya, in jeans. But we felt fine. Around - brides in lush dresses, relatives with immense bouquets, everyone is nervous ... And we are sitting quietly waiting for our turn and drinking champagne. Champagne auknulos when the receptionist gave a fiery speech. In words "on this joyous day," Vanya laughed. Auntie paused and began. We ran about our business. And life began to flow in the usual way. Nothing changed. On the same day, I had a bottle of water in my bag - and there was our marriage certificate. It was all so rusty, blurry. Later, the evidence for something was needed, and for a long time I could not find it ... The New Year holidays gave both of us a little respite. I met my parents, I saw his little sister. Then we visited my family. It was amazing to see Vanya in an apartment where childhood passed, where I dreamed of how I would bring a guy who would be in love with me. And here it is! But the holidays do not last long, and we again found ourselves in Moscow's vanity. I returned to the "Ice Age", hoping that this time will be easier. How could I be wrong! "Yes, spit on these assessments, it's just a show, not an Olympics. That you come out, as if you want to win a gold medal, Ilia Averbukh was angry. - Relax. Poprisay, take a deep breath. Come on, I'll give you a hand. Calm down! "But I could not. I went every time as a last fight. Syndrome honors pupil brought me to complete exhaustion - both nervous and physical. I weighed forty-eight kilograms. She stopped sleeping at night. Could arrange a hysterics right on the ice: "Everything, I can not, no more strength! Leave me alone, leave me alone! "I was balancing on the brink. And once the body could not stand it.
Madness
It was a crazy week. In the morning and in the evening I skated. In the afternoon - rehearsals in the theater. And here at the next training suddenly I start to choke, legs are bent and tremble. I'm falling on the ice, trying to get up and falling again. I whisper my parched lips: "Call a doctor!" It turned out, I have very high blood pressure. The doctor asks:
- Do you smoke a lot? And I do not smoke at all! On the set of the movie "Why do you need an alibi?" I needed to smoke in the frame. Nothing happened. Sasha Domogarov did not believe: "How can you not be able to smoke?" - "I swear, I have never even tried." - "The first time I meet this. Usually all the artists are smoking, "- Sasha was surprised and taught me how to delay. - Sleep how much? - the doctor is interested. - I'm not sleeping, I'm nervous ...
Vanya was not in Moscow then, I spent the night with a friend. And in the morning I went to the rink again.
- Well, how are you? Asked Staviski. - Have you gone?
"Something's not right, Max." Weakness, hands are shaking.
"Go, eat, maybe it'll help."
But it did not get better. We start rolling - I immediately fall and kneel crawling to the side. The buzzing in my ears, the music is still thundering, people are crowded around, and I do not even have enough air. Someone yells: "The doctor, the doctor!" Have measured pressure - again zashkalivaet. A syringe in a vein. Does not help - I continue to suffocate, before my eyes everything floats. They called an ambulance. When the doctors saw my cardiogram, they were horrified: "Immediate hospitalization." I refused flatly to go to the hospital. But they did not release me to the ice either. Tatyana Tarasova came, looked and said: "You can not skate. We'll count you a technical defeat. " At other times I would be upset. But then I felt so bad that I did not care about the grades. Then I went to the cardiologist. They said: we must rest - the organism is torn. I was like a skeleton. But the point in my "ice" adventure was put only by the news that I was expecting a child. Pregnancy was desirable, but I did not immediately believe that I would soon become a mother. It was the fourth month, and there was no stomach, he just did not grow up. "It's because you're exhausted," the doctor said. - It is necessary to gain weight. And no physical exertion. " I announced to Ilya Averbukh that I would not go on a tour. It's a pity, of course, to disappoint the audience, but now I'm more important than a child. And as if in gratitude for the fact that I stopped plowing for wear, my body immediately came back to normal. Energy has appeared the sea. I flew with performances to the Far East and Kaliningrad. I had a rest with Vanya in the Maldives and in the Crimea. Was shot. Spun on the pole in the series "Lapushki." I did not suffer from toxicosis, there were no crazy desires, as happens in pregnant women, for example to eat borsch with honey. Looking at me, Vanya said: "I want you to always be pregnant: it has become so calm, so soft, so homely."
New life
The abdomen, in the end, grew. We did not know who was born, and came up with names, male and female. When ultrasound showed that we have a girl, Vanka called my mom: "Valentina Mikhailovna, you will have a granddaughter Maria Ivanovna!" Then he dialed his mother and again shouted about Maria Ivanovna. We began to call it. And the doctors, when I came to the examination, asked: "How is Maria Ivanovna?" The closer to childbirth, the more I was panic-stricken. One night something came crashing, it seemed that I was about to give birth. Vanya was on set, I got into the car myself and went to the hospital. The doctor examined me and sent me home. Eight times I went to "give birth", and only on the ninth it really happened. Two weeks before giving birth, my friends kept their phones on the clock. I did not part with the list of drivers who could take me to the hospital at any time, where my doctors were waiting for - Professor Elena S. Lyashko and Ekaterina Igorevna Shibanova. Most of all I was afraid that Vanya would not be in Moscow. But everything happened exactly on time, and he was there, although I did not let him into childbirth. Still, this is a sacrament, in which a man should not be present. Our daughter was born on the fifteenth of September. I heard her first cry and the voice of the doctor: - Tatiana, husband. "What's a husband?" Did I give birth to a boy? - To the girl. A child is a copy of his father. It is impossible to describe the feelings that I experienced when I first saw Masha. It did not fit in my head that I was the mother of this tiny little man with screwed eyes and a wrinkled face. I lie, I look out the window - and there the blue sky, houses, the sun ... People wake up, drink coffee, plan their day. And I just made a new life.