During the performance of the crown stunt "female snake", when the priest is resting on the crown of the head, one of the examiners rose from his chair and enthusiastically clinked. None of the candidates could show anything of the kind, and I was sure: they would accept me. But in the list, read by a fat uncle - obviously not from circus, but from the officials who directed them, - my name was not there. An enthusiastically clinking member of the commission first hung with his mouth open, and then began to whisper with the chairman. I heard the words "girl-snake", "absolutely fearless" and her last name. "Dogilev? The official asked loudly. "There are some abilities, but the girl is not beautiful, and therefore absolutely not scenic."
A Cruel Life
For two months it seemed to me that life was over. And how do you like? I was deprived of dreams, unfairly deprived, and even called ugly! Parents, from morning to night standing at the machine tools at the plant, was not to consolations. When she saw her daughter, her father or mother shouted: "No more tears to pour! It's better to take lessons! "I climbed into the closet and, buried in the winter coats smelling of dust and mothballs, reflected on the cruelty of the world. My grief was aggravated by the fact that every morning I saw how a neighbor with whom we together held entrance examinations and which was accepted at the school, goes to class. She did not know how to do anything, but she was fabulously good - not a girl, but a picture. I did not so much want to work in the circus as I threw the belt of a sports bag over my shoulder and announced it to the whole yard: "I went to a circus school!" Then I will hear more than once about my "very serious appearance" and seemingly even I accept that I can not become an actress. After receiving the certificate, I will begin to prepare for admission to the Institute of Asian and African countries. - And what made you change the decision and go to GITIS? GITIS ... Before GITIS there was much more: VGIK, School-Art Theater, "Sliver", "Pike". And about what caused ... I persistently taught English, all Chinese revolutions rebounded from my teeth, wake up in the middle of the night - I'll tell you about Japanese islands and mountains with rivers. But as soon as she heard that the entrance examinations had begun at the VGIK, she rushed there ... Apparently, out of a sense of protest: you say that I'm ugly and will not accept me as an actress, but I'll take it and I'll do it! In VGIK, I was not allowed even before the first round - advised to enter a technical college. There is a "tradition" there - all unpromising candidates are sent to study for engineers. On this "parting word" I was just closed: "What right have they not to let a person into the profession, which he, perhaps, dreamed of from an early childhood?" I decided that I would show myself in all the theatrical high schools that exist in Moscow.
Received or not
Someone from Vgikov's entrants suggested that for examinations at the Moscow Art Theater School-Studio, one must dress modestly modest and not even make-up, even eyelashes. I found a cut of a pale pink calico in my mother's pants and built myself something like a peasant sarafan, my hair plaited in two pigtails. In this form, and went. I read something from the classics, which I do not remember. But the full suffering and inescapable anguish of the eye of Sophia Stanislavovna Pilyavskaya, sitting in the waiting committee, I can not forget until the end of my life. In the midst of my "speech", one of the teachers approached the examiner's table: "Well, how?" - "Two hundred people a day," Pilyavskaya sighed heavily and nodded in my direction, adding: "And all such a nightmare .. "- After eight years, you will be shooting with Pilyavskaya from Kozakov in the Pokrovsky Gate. She will remember you? - Of course not! I myself sat several times in the admissions offices of GITIS and I know what it is. By the end of the day you do not remember not only the faces of entrants, but also your name. On one of the shooting days, Mikhail Mikhailovich came up to me and said: "Tatiana, you really like Sophia Stanislavovna." I almost burst with pride! Remind Pilyavsky about the "nightmare", which she "dubbed" me on exams, and in my thoughts was not. After the debacle at the Moscow Art Theater School for the exam in the "Scissors" I got dressed up: in my own mini-skirt made of green corduroy with a draped fringe attached to the hem, a bright red noodle sweatshirt and white golfs. It did not help - and here they gave a turn from the gate. The GITIS Commission I read Yevgeny Yevtushenko's poem "Les Miserables" - which, as you know, was very much in keeping with my internal state and position:
Satellites fly over the earth,
Explosions are still breaking over the taiga,
And some bald clever men
They look at you with a grin.
Surprise of the commission
She read the last lines and froze. Only then did she notice that all the men in the admissions office, as for selection, are bald. They exchange glances, stroking the hairless tops, snorting. Well, I think they probably decided that I was on purpose ... Now they definitely will not accept! She already wandered, drooping and unhappy, in the courtyard, when she heard: "Dogilev, come back!" Has returned. I'm standing, waiting for the separation: they say, how dare you ?! And suddenly they ask me: - Tell me, what do you have with your teeth? The neighbor lamented: "Actually, the actors need to sleep with the directors!" My mother gave me a desperate treble: "Well, let him sleep!" I readily bared, demonstrating a large chink. In response - many-voiced and puzzled: - Yes-ah ... With a challenge, her head jerked up, but the intonation turned out pitiful: - But is the main thing the teeth? - And what, in your opinion, is the main thing? I was amazed. "How?" Soul! "Bald wise men" again zahmykali. Only Vladimir Naumovich Levertov - he will become my first real Teacher - remained serious: - If you get rid of the scrap, we'll take it to the institute. But consider: no gold and other metals. Do you have any parents? I answered that my mother was a turner, and my father was a locksmith. And she heard: - If you need money - say. That's what we had teachers! The next day my mother and I went to an orthopedic clinic - then perhaps the only one in all of Moscow. A whole consultation was held, but the verdict was disappointing: "There is nothing you can do. You missed the time. In adolescence, it was possible to put braces, and now the jaw has already formed. " On the way home mom calmed: - Well, you, daughter, so worried? God be with him, with this institute for artists! And I, nabychivshis, said: - All the same I'll do it! Even on the landing, we heard a phone call. They called from the clinic: "Come. Let's try to do something. There should not be any shred of fate for a person to break. " Before sitting in a chair, the doctors warned: "It will be very painful" - I nodded; "We'll have to cut out part of the gum" - agreeing, covering her eyes. For two hours, while the operation was going on, never even yelled. On the last, decisive tour in GITIS came with a swollen lip and an iron bracket on the upper teeth, which I was removed only in the second year. - And the world finally saw the famous Dogilev smile. And how did your parents react to your entry into GITIS? - Differently. Dad was very upset: "Daughter, you're so smart here - where would you like to go, and you're an actress. Well, what good is there? "But my mother went gogol. She set the holiday table, invited her neighbor. - And when did the first novel happen? And who was he, your chosen one? - The novel happened after a couple of months, and his hero was a classmate Yura Stoyanov. He is still a very attractive man, but thirty years ago he was simply dazzling. Tall, slender, fair-haired, blue-eyed, besides - a master of sports in fencing.
What to do?
After the first session, which we both passed, say, in such a way, not entirely successfully, I accompanied Yura for a vacation in his native Odessa. Until they declared a landing, they kissed in a secluded corner until they went crazy. Saying goodbye, Stoyanov said: "I will definitely tell about the parents about you and me. In the spring we will get married. " And I spent two weeks in separation enough to understand: with love you need to tie. Otherwise, I'll have to say goodbye to my studies. I announced my decision to my lover the very first night after he returned. Stoianov suffered. About this, rounding my eyes in horror, reported fellow students: "Yura is so suffering! Almost does not eat and does not sleep at all! "However, his suffering did not last long. At the end of the first year he married a sweet girl from the theater department. On the eve of the wedding, we with two classmates, who managed to visit the beloved of the first handsome GITIS before me, sent a messenger to Yura. He had to invite Stoyanov to one of the auditoriums. The door opens, Yuri's head thrusts into the crack. "What do you want?" - The voice is strained, eyes suspiciously fumbling around the audience. - Come on. Sit down. We need to talk, - we answer. "What are they up to?" Yura strains even more. But still passes and sits down. We line up in front of him for growth and tighten a compassionate song that was popular at the time:
And the love we had with you was not long,
Maybe we just did not wait for love,
Call me to the wedding, my beloved,
See your bride call ...
Only together
Singing with tragic faces, adding tremors to the voices. After listening to our vocals to the end, Yurka, with tears of laughter and a cry of "fools!" Flies out of the audience. - Then "kissing to the point of madness," you must think, it did not go down? - Not gone. My first man was a Kyivan. His name was Volodya. He came to Moscow on business trips. We met in the metro, which was against my rules. But Volodya, as soon as he introduced himself, immediately suggested: "Girl, did you not want to go with me to the Bolshoi Theater tonight?" I would not want to, if I, the Muscovite, have never been in it! In his third or fourth after our acquaintance, Volodya met me near the institute: "Baby, I brought you a cake from Kiev. Come to the hotel in the evening - we'll have a cup of tea. " What should finish the tea, I understood perfectly - so that to lose virginity went quite consciously. It greatly overshadowed my existence. Girls-classmates their fall, tearing their souls and sobbing, long ago they were alienating, and I was still a black sheep. With this it was necessary to do something. Poor Volodia nearly cracked when he realized that he had become a "pioneer". I was behaving like an experienced person, I saw a lot of people. How did he repent, how he apologized ... And I with a careless grin dropped: "Why are you mumbling there? Leave these reflections. Everything is normal. " Again, someone was playing ... Volodya was very decent and, apparently, had the warmest feelings for me. Six months later, when I came to Moscow, I met him near the institute, I tried to explain myself. But, having fulfilled my function, it became completely uninteresting to me. Still leaving the hotel, immersed in the experience of my fall, I thought only of what I should immediately tell all my friends, savoring the details. - Graduation performance of your course "Much Ado About Nothing" directed by Vladimir Levertov became an event. Especially critics praised your Beatrice ... - It was like that. I remember (I still do not remember!), Wrote something like: if you can say about other participants in the performance that they are brilliant graduates, then Tatyana Dogileva, who played Beatrice, is an accomplished actress. In how! Thanks to the success of the graduation performance, I received invitations from several theaters. But first of all went to the advanced "Lenkom", the artistic director of which - at the request of Levertov - agreed to see me. Mark Anatolievich Zakharov was terse: - Well, everything is clear ... Nervous such a design ... But you, as a graduate on the contract do not agree? - I do not agree. - I do not have vacancies. There is one play, you are like preliminary rehearsals. It was not even a rehearsal, it was just a reading. But in what company! Yankovsky, Zbruev ... Both constantly laughed at me. Not tugging, not offending - so, out of love of life. The atmosphere in the "Leikom" was wonderful, I was terribly anxious to work there, but Zakharov did not promise anything, and at the invitation of Georgy Tovstonogov's assistant, I went to the "lookout" at the BDT. They were ready to take me there right away, but on the eve of my trip to St. Petersburg I got my first major role in the cinema - in a couple of weeks shooting began. Tovstonogov shrugged his shoulders: "So, let him come after filming. Make out in staff. " - And what was this movie? - The worst in the history of mankind. It was called "Stowaway Passenger" and was supposed to agitate young people for admission to the vocational school. I played a young plasterer Ninka Babaitseva. - It seems that on shooting this particular picture you met a man who became your husband? - I will specify: the first husband. Filming took place in the Krasnodar Territory. The sea was splashing, everything was blooming. It is impossible not to fall in love with such "scenery". And I fell in love. To hysterics. In the last member of the film group - in "clapper." On each site there is a person who announces: a film such and such, a double like that, and a wand on the plaque - bang. Alexander seemed to me divinely beautiful and almost as clever. Returning home, I told my parents that I met the main man of my life. Mom, four years ago, allowed me to sleep with the directors, cut off: "To live together without a registry office - do not even think about it! So get married - then please! "Apparently, her" blessing "was distributed only to filmmakers. The pope said that he would invite the entire native village near Moscow to the wedding.
The Fall
Before I had time to unpack the suitcase with which I went to "full-scale" shooting, Zakharov called: "Tatiana, how come?" We hope for you, we expect that you will have Nelya in Arbuzov's Cruel Games, and you are on Tovstonogov's list of actors for the same performance? "But, Mark Anatolyevich, you did not promise me anything definite!" "How could you not promise that?" Yankovsky and Zbruev praise you in vain, in the theater you have come to court. Yes, you are already enrolled! Then, knowledgeable people explained to me two common truths: in the world of the theater everything is immediately known - once, the main directors are very disliked when colleagues intercept actors from them - two. For several weeks I went to Lenk and looked for my name on the timetable. She was not even in the crowd. The girls already felt their Fall, and I was still a virgin. With this it was necessary to do something time. To experience about the creative idle, one more thing was added - I realized that I did not like my fiance at all. Gathered with the spirit and invited Sasha to postpone the wedding. In response, she heard: "Then death." I had to go to the registry office. Having married, we settled in a communal apartment - a tiny room was allocated by a small mill, where my father worked. I spent days hysterically playing my wife: washing, ironing, cooking, scrubbing pots. And in the evening, exhausted by the housekeeping, she sat in the kitchen, dropped her head in her arms and thought: "Should I hang myself?" Fortunately, Zakharov gave me a tiny, wordless role in Shatrov's Revolutionary Etude. The performance involved Yankovsky, Leonov, Peltzer. In this situation, I was ready at least to depict the sculpture at the back! And I was lucky to embody the image of the Theory of Free Love. Zakharov set the task: "And here, Tatyana, in a mad erotic languor, you climb to the podium, take a glass with water from the speaker and empty it in the same languor!" I wriggled all parts of the body, flowed into the podium, in an impossible languor I took a glass ... And she was immensely happy when she saw an easy smile on Mark Anatolyevich's face. It's a pity, I did not appear in this role before the public. Shortly before the premiere, Zakharov decided that I should play a young bureaucrat Sapozhnikov. I was frightened - a serious role, with a complex picture, with text. Thank God, it worked out. The performance was a great success, I was praised, including Mark Anatolievich, whose kind word to me was more important than a thousand friymy reviews. I felt absolutely happy. But only in the theater, because here completely forgot about her married position. Go home, where you have to talk about something with someone who became a stranger, did not want to. And to lie down with him in the same bed - in general a knife sharp. We parted three months after the wedding. I was the initiator. Sasha supported the initiative - surprisingly easy. I guess that by that time he already had a girlfriend. In any case, six months after parting with me, Alexander was again, this time happily, married.
Acting skills
Apparently, the southern nature played with Sasha the same joke as with me. I started a delusion, which on my return to Moscow evaporated. Only from my eyes the love shroud was asleep earlier than with his. - Have you started rehearsing the role of Nely in "Cruel Games", already, being a free woman? - Yes, these two events coincided. "Cruel Game" ... At the rehearsals of this performance, I learned how Zakharov could be merciless. He is, of course, very clever, so he beats the patient himself. In order to humiliate, destroy, Mark Anatolievich enough one phrase. Until now, his face is curved with a fastidious-suffering face, and in his ears there is an irritated-stiff voice: "Ta-a-nya! Ta-a-nya! Well, if the teacher arranged you here - they said, for some talents, - so show at least something ... "I almost gasped for insult:" Me? Have you arranged? Is he saying that Levertov asked me to look? "The words stuck in my throat:" Yes, I would play Tovstonogov now, if you did not persuade me to go to you! Efros called me too! In general, if you want to know, like hot cakes! "Standing in the middle of the stage is absolutely crushed - as if an iceberg has hit me. Wait, that someone will intercede, there is nothing. Everyone is looking away. Only Kolya Karachentsov approaches from behind and whispers softly: "What, you got it? Do not be sour! When he attacks me, I - eyes on the floor and say to myself: "The fool himself, the fool ..." Another time, in his address, he heard from Mark Anatolyevich: "I can not even look at you! If I open my eyes now, I'll tell you this, that it's scary! "And all this with a burning heart, through clenched teeth. What after such words do? Run away from the stage - and not come back? She thrust her pride away and suffered. As the others. "Autocrat" very few people spared. I got to Yankovsky, and Karachentsov, and Abdulov. Several times I saw how even men after public humiliation cried. Yes that there cried - wept! The situation was aggravated by the fact that I was in love with Zakharova. Yes, and it was impossible not to fall in love with him. A fan of his theater, endlessly talented, charming ... When he suddenly picked himself up from the director's chair, flew up onto the stage, began to show something, I did not have a single glance of admiration, but my heart froze with delight. Many, oh, many would not resist, show Mark Anatolyevich to them a man's interest! But he did not do it, and the thirsty special attention was for the actresses to show off only the approving looks that the Master occasionally awarded. I did not "break off" this. Mark Anatolyevich was categorically unhappy with what I was doing on stage. Now I understand: he had good reason. Am I a big professional to him? Yesterday's graduate, who has no experience, no ability to own body, emotions ... At the peak of despair, hallucinations began. At night, in a room where there was no one but me, suddenly there were rustles. Opening my eyes, I saw old women dressed in black kerchiefs standing in the corners ...
Luck ahead
In twenty the nervous system is still strong and itself is able to cope with the tests. As soon as I started to get something out a little bit and the master from humiliations passed to unpolished praise, the old women disappeared. "Brutal games" for a long time did not accept. The play for those times was indeed bold. The main characters are disappointed in life young Muscovites, who expected a lot from the "Khrushchev thaw", but were mistaken in their expectations. Some of the officials from the culture immediately dubbed the play "slander of Soviet reality." In the end - after changing the most acute dialogues - the play was released. The success was deafening. Speculators tore crazy money for tickets - ten, twenty times more than face value. It seemed to me: now I have secured the roles in "Lenkom" until retirement. But one season passed, two, three, four ... I still played Nelyu in "Cruel Games", where one of the characters asked: "How old are you?" I answered: "Nineteen." "You're lying," the hero confessed, and every year, I must admit, every evening after the shooting, Mironov and I had dinner at the Astoria restaurant, then went for a walk in the night Leningrad and said goodbye, hoping to see each other again.