Of course, none of us wants to think about divorce, getting married. But statistics is inexorable: in Russia every second married couple is disintegrating. No woman wants her child to grow up without a father. And, nevertheless, almost half of the children are brought up in single-parent families. How can we cope with ourselves and establish communication between the father and the children after the divorce? How to make children's insults due to lack of a father not grow into adult complexes?
According to psychologists, there are four types of behavior of divorced parents: "worst enemies", "angry companions", "colleagues" and "friends." Ideally, mom and dad should maintain friendly relations. Carefully refer to the fact that now the child is very sad. Divorce is not one of those events that are quickly forgotten. And, before the worst is over, it will take at least 2-3 years. Try to be patient. A kid or a teenager, no doubt, will ask every day questions - repeated, suggestive, accusatory. Answer everything, try to find positive. With understanding, refer to children's fantasies about reunion, but do not feed them.
FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF
If you just parted with your husband, you could flip the page and start a new life, forgetting about all the past. In fact, after divorce, it is better for former spouses to at least not meet at least for the first time - resentment and emotional ties are too strong. However, if there is a child, it will not be possible to part forever. Former fathers can not and should not be. Remember the interests of the child. Let your husband and he did not work out, but this does not mean that your marriage was unsuccessful, because your children were born and grew in love! Do not forbid the ex-husband to see the child, do not blackmail him, and do not tell the children about your conflict with their dad. After all, the communication of the father with the children is very important for both sides.
Situation 1. You were very worried when you divorced your husband. However, you understand that your common son needs to communicate with his father. You never wait for the husband to remember the needs of the child, and never hesitate to tell him about the obligations to the son. You think it's more honest.
Well, you have chosen the right attitude. You have clearly defined your priority: to save your father's child - and have taken all possible measures to do this, not allowing your own grievances to prevail over the situation. As a result, all participants in this story won.
It is important that you did not begin to make a tragedy out of your divorce from the very beginning. Children subtly feel the state of adults and "mirror" them. If you were grieving, crying, being killed, your son would also feel anxiety and confusion. If you scolded your husband (especially by the eyes), the child would take your words to one's own account. Your job is to explain that mom and dad have not divorced in order to hurt each other, but for everyone to be happy.
NOT MY AGE
This is how the most famous male excuse sounds. They are not interested in changing diapers, modeling kulichiki in the sandbox, checking the lessons ... Indeed, many men feel closeness with the child when he becomes social, when it can be contacted at the level of intelligence. And the main thing for the mother is to leave the former husband a chance to show his interest and his feelings for the child, no matter what age it may be.
On the other hand, in men, the father's instinct is developed in contact with the child.
Situation 2. You divorced your husband when the child was 6 years old. It was hard for you to forget your grievances, but most of all you were angered by the attitude of the ex-husband to his daughter. Three times a week he visited the gym, which is located near your home. But it never occurred to him to visit the child. Over time, you began to notice that your child has become more and more detailed about the fathers of his classmates - how they are with them, entertain them ... You understand how the child lacks communication with his father. You called the parents of your ex-husband and invited them to visit. And they influenced the son: he became more attentive - he began to go to the child, spend more time with him. You still take offense at the ex-husband, but you do not interfere with his communication with the child, because you understand that for him it is also important.
NEVER ...
There are things that you should never do and under no circumstances. Otherwise, you risk losing your child's trust and doomed to mental suffering.
✓ NEVER find out the relationship with the child.
✓ NEVER blame your baby for being like his father.
✓ NEVER say phrases like "Dad does not love us anymore".
✓ NEVER dictate to the child what he should say to the father and when.
✓ NEVER interfere with the communication of the father with the children after the divorce. Why give an excuse for both of them to accuse you afterwards ?!
IF DAD DOES NOT COME
Both sons and daughters need a multifaceted communication, so that their perception of the world is not one-sided. How to fill the deficit of male attention in a child?
✓ It is important for the kid to see your smile, know and understand that his mother is developing, enjoying life and his child.
✓ Your existence should not be limited only to family relationships. Let the kid play more with boys and girls of his age, watch how grown-up women communicate with their husbands or friends.
✓ Give your son to the sports section. Some of the basics of the "male view of the world" will be presented by the coach or senior fellow athletes. Daughters should choose a dance club, where she will stand with the boy in pairs. So she can learn to communicate with the opposite sex.
✓ Build with your son and daughter plans for life, dream. So you will understand what your child wants.
✓ Find together what you can now rejoice, for what you are already grateful to life and to each other. It can be hiking in the botanical garden, games, joint preparation of dinner and even cleaning the apartment.
✓ Do not shift the duties of a father to your son or daughter to your beloved. Do not rush - let the most dear to you people are friends.