Let's say frankly: the very idea that we are able to envy anyone is simply unbearable for us. However, what we can envy, our beloved, we allow more willingly. And the more we deny that we are capable of such a low feeling, the more often it torments us. Therefore, psychologists advise, at least in private, to drop any politesses and remember that this feeling was awarded us by nature. Hence follows the conclusion: for some reason, she needed it. To some extent, we can draw an analogy with sex, where we allowed ourselves to recognize a simple truth: everything that is natural, absolutely not ashamed.
The problem of envy worried the philosophers of the Hellenistic era. Aristotle proposed the well-known "color gamut" of envy - black and white. In the first case, the desire is dominant: "I want you to lose what you have." This is a classic example of destructive, or black, envy. In the second case: "I want to have what you have" - the accents change dramatically. It's already the core of white, competitive jealousy. In the end, it is this kind of white envy that becomes the engine of most grandiose business projects and turns out to be the basis of healthy competition and rivalry.
How to drink!
Just as good does not exist without evil, so white envy is completely inconceivable without black. Or even so: being generally useful and necessary, envy can "inflame". But if you get a stomach trouble, do not rush to get rid of it? Similarly, it is necessary to "treat" envy, so that it changes its color from dark to lighter. And this is entirely within our power.
One of the most famous works devoted to the problem of envy, belongs to the English analyst Melanie Klein. In her book, The Study of Envy and Gratitude, she claims that the feeling is unconsciously laid down in infancy in the relationship between mother and child. It turns out that the baby experiences very contradictory feelings towards the maternal breast. On the one hand, for him this is the embodiment of comfort, peace and security, that is, the most important things at the time. On the other hand, he is not in a position to fully and completely own all of this and must cry out for his desires. Thus, the basis of envy from the point of view of psychology is laid literally with the first drops of mother's milk. But then much, as always, depends on who received what childhood. After all, the features of our character are largely formed under the roof of the parental home, and the case of envy is not an exception.
Originally from childhood
Because of how the child was raised and in what conditions it existed, envy will acquire some form or another. The more self-sufficient and self-confident it grows, the more developed the habit of relying on oneself and not trusting others, the less jealousy will be expressed in adulthood.
But this provokes this feeling that parents do not have enough attention to the child. A classic example: ever-busy adults take the kid from the kindergarten last. At the same time, he sees that moms always come in time for Petya or Masha. Thus, envy can be expressed in aggression: "Parents will not take me away like Petya, and for this I will break his new typewriter."
Bearing a service is and excessive pampering. The child gets used to the fact that any of his whims are instantly fulfilled, and he takes this model to adulthood, where he continues passively to wait for the benefits that will be brought to him on a silver platter. Since nothing like this happens, a person begins to envy a more fortunate, as it seems to him, environment. In general, the envy's problem is that in a certain sense it becomes like an abstract artist, whose eye reflects the reality in a very peculiar way.
However, as you know, we do not choose childhood. So there comes a time when you need to take yourself critically, otherwise there is a risk of turning into a king from the "Ordinary Miracle", justified by the fact that pouring a poison on his court causes him to get the habit that came from his uncle.
Vanderbildiha will burst!
In envy from the point of view of psychology there is one interesting phenomenon: we truly envy only those who are close to our circle and our life. And the smaller the distance between us and the object of envy, the higher the danger that the feeling will intensify. After all, we do not envy the nee Princess Caroline or Angelina Jolie! Rather, we follow their stories, which are regularly reported by the press, with about the same feelings with which in childhood they listened to tales of Cat's adventures in boots. Stars for us - characters of a fairytale order, living in a parallel, semi-mythical reality.
What can not you say about the senior auditor L. However, it is this P., and not any Camera Diaz, - an essential part of our life. After all, it was she, and not the Hollywood diva, who rode us up the career ladder and took the position we were claiming. And now he walks along the corridors with an insultingly victorious look.
Eyeshadow eyes
At the social level, the attitude towards people is most often envious - negative. Therefore, the question: "Do you envy?" - the most frequent answer: "No, well, you, I do not wish anyone evil."
No one will ever admit that he envies you. However, being the object of these feelings is very dangerous. Therefore, as they say, do not wake up. Pay attention to the non-verbal reactions of your interlocutor. If, while listening to you, a person takes a closed pose: looks away, crosses his arms, enthusiastic stories should be stopped. When, when communicating, the interlocutor is chronically "not at home", it is only for you to share some pleasant episode from your life, this is an occasion to reflect: is this the kind of friend he wants to appear?
Of course, you can try to destroy the very motive of envy. Infinitely complain that the new duties that have fallen on you in connection with promotion in office, do not leave personal time at all. And at the same time, make sure that the information reaches the ears of the addressee. However, psychologists urge us not to overplay and be extremely cautious: this behavior we unconsciously program ourselves for failure.
You can also go directly in the opposite way and declare war on the envious person. Since you know his weak spots, you can endlessly hurt his pride, accidentally stepping on the "calluses". For example, if you envy your appearance and success with the opposite sex, generously share the happy moments of your personal life. And if the envious person is not burdened with male attention, start out about the oddities and the unenviable share of "blue stockings". The psychological law works: the stronger the emotions a person experiences, the harder it is to keep the chosen line of behavior. And our chances of winning are increasing. However, this method is suitable only for those who genuinely love multi-stage theatrical intrigues. And if you do not enter into their number, it is better to reserve strength for more constructive tasks.
Another option is to try to distance yourself from the envious person instead of defensive position. That is, to bring this person beyond the boundaries of your interest. The point is not to amplify the negative emotions of the enemy with your own response irritation, but to dissipate them. Treat envy as ... to very bad weather. You do not lose your temper when it rains, but just take an umbrella with you. If it is possible to establish an internal distance and forget about the aggressor, then the most important thing happens: we cease to be an attractive victim for him.
And most importantly: do not judge the envious person. Yes, this feeling can not be called pleasant, but it is natural and inherent in all people. And it's very good to learn how to manage it. Because, if you think about it, the alternative of envy is the world of fantastic novels. Its inhabitants are robot-like creatures with a single set of opportunities and talents. This is where there is no place for envy. However, this is hardly an encouraging alternative, is it not?
Jokes for the sake of note that the patients who appeal to us do not always disingenious. Sometimes they just do not realize that the reason for their internal discomfort is precisely this feeling. Here is an illustrative example: the girl complained that she quickly gets bored of any activity - whether it's new projects at work or dancing. And with a sociable and benevolent character she can not maintain a long relationship with people. We have come to the conclusion that the basis of her experiences is unconscious envy. When in a new kind of activity she could not take a leading position, she began to experience negative feelings toward the one who succeeded. Also threw employment. It's the same with friends - information about their success was intolerable for her. " But if envy - a feeling so subtle, then, how to deal with it?
Find and neutralize!
The signal of what jealousy says in you can be the awareness of one's own deprivation against the backdrop of other people's successes. In other words, when you are suddenly overcome by a spleen from the story about how A. had extremely successfully spent shopping in Milan, and K. finally decided on the design of the new apartment, and her friends seem at the same time with reckless dragonflies who "all the world sang" and you - damned unlucky, tired of the whole ant, then, most likely, this is it - the theme of our narrative.
I must say that envy is not so harmless not only for mood and vitality, but also for health. And it is quite capable of plunging the envy into a real depression. You can, of course, leave everything as is, hoping that "by itself will resolve." However, psychologists say that our problems, with which we do not find the courage to truly understand, spoil the character, forcing to see everything in black.
Therefore, if you are undermined by the rust of envy, it is worth taking certain steps as soon as possible. And the first of them is to realize that one must be envious with profit. If, of course, consider it as an excuse to become more successful.
First of all, stop jamming in yourself this "wrong" experience. If it is, then it is worth to recognize it, after all, no one requires you to repent in public. Remember that envy is a normal feeling, it is absolutely natural and does not envy anyone and nothing is impossible. Having ceased to convince oneself that "envy is the lot of losers", begin to translate emotions from the negative channel into a positive one.
Every medal has a downside. It would be useful to talk to the "object of envy" about what is behind these or other benefits. Career friend quickly skyrocketed? But think about how often you have met her in the last month. Therefore, sometimes it is not unreasonable to ask yourself the question: "Is it really necessary for me?" If the answer turns out to be positive, then it is necessary to pass from the passive position to the active one.
Formulate what you are jealous of, and evaluate your opportunities to get the same. Try to determine under what circumstances you can achieve this result. If this requires additional education, business contacts or a more well-groomed appearance, you will agree, all this is entirely within your power.
Now get down to business. Divide a piece of paper into two columns. In the first, designate what makes you jealous. Make a step-by-step plan of action and put it in the second column. However, it is necessary to be critical of your desires. In the end, no tricks will not help you to catch up on growth with Naomi Campbell. Be realistic!
If your dreams are still pretty bold, there are two ways to put up with the situation. The first is to concentrate on your own winning sides, having ceased to constantly compare with someone. The second is, oddly enough, the way of Ellochka the Cannibal, when for a sense of victory over the "accursed Vanderbildih" it was only necessary to repaint the rabbit in the Shanghai leopard. And from this extravagant trick, there and then feel happy. And while we look at Ellochka as the incarnation of a mindless "bimbo," psychologists, by the way, applaud this example of plastic psyche and positive envy.
If you are overcome by black envy, it is worth trying to cool emotions and direct the course of reasoning in a practical way. Imagine that your friend's new car was stolen. Which you personally will benefit from this? But in the past you could rely on her vehicle if necessary. Yes, it sounds a bit cynical. But sometimes in order to escape from the shackles of unpleasant feelings to us and go their own independent way, it is worth doing such frank exercises. And to stop endlessly, compare yourself with others, more often refer to those who love you for who you are.