Resentment is a strange feeling. On the one hand, this is a fair (as it seems to us) reaction to an unfair act. On the other hand, from the corrosive feelings of resentment, we suffer first of all ourselves, not the offender. We blame someone for something, get upset, worry. We scroll through the memory again and again an unpleasant situation. Although it is difficult to forget the offense, the advice of a psychologist is unambiguous - it is necessary to do this.
Take offense or not?
"I'm not offended, I just do not forget" - this statement is equivalent to what you could not forgive. Resentment is a feeling that will leave you only if you do not periodically resurrect in your memory. Who does not take offense? Yes, probably, there are none. This is inherent in us by nature, we thereby defend our "I". We aspire to feel ourselves as a person who does not allow anyone to hurt us. Only here is one "but": this feeling, protecting, can destroy you yourself. After all, the first reaction is to respond in the same way, and this psychologist is advised not to do it at any time!
Every day we in our life encounter people of different views, values. Sometimes, what is acceptable to us, do not allow others to live in our lives. You refused someone to help and think that this is normal, since you do not owe anything to anyone. But for another, your action was a psychological trauma. After all, he was waiting for help. In this case, you can say that you should not expect anything from others, there will be no offense. One of the reasons for the resentment of others is in fact our expectation that someone will do the same as we think is right, according to our views, our upbringing. But everyone has their own truth, so should it be offended if the world is so arranged?
Yet there are also different grievances. It's one thing when you were pushed into a crazy crush on the bus. You are uncomfortable, but you are unlikely to be offended by this, because you understand perfectly well that this is not on purpose. Undoubtedly, another reaction in you is, for example, the unfair behavior of close people. Anger, pain, desire to take revenge - this is only a handful of those emotions that we have. But they are enough to deprive you of the strength and joy of life. If you let the offense go free swimming, then with time it will be harder to cope with it and more difficult.
True forgiveness takes place in our life not so often. One of the reasons why we should forget the offense is that by our action we take precedence over the enemy. Thus, we replace the role of the offended one with the winner. It would seem that it should become easier, because we took revenge. But still the feeling of heaviness does not leave. Yes, all because vengeance has nothing to do with healing forgiveness, having experienced that, we feel happier.
Forgiveness, which brings you inner freedom, will come to you when you realize that you are not a judge. So, it's not up to you to make a verdict to someone. The sense of resentment is too useless, and from its victim it is also able to make an object for general pity. I think you do not need this.
Forgive and forget
Forget grudges without any reservations. Undoubtedly, it is much easier to nail the offender morally to the pillar and it can be said that even in something more pleasant. In fact, we thereby nurture our wounds. And sometimes even we can provoke occasions for stamping others - thereby feeling superior to them. So, you either need to forgive, or do not forgive at all and learn to live with this feeling further. But psychologists advise to adhere to the first option. The middle here does not exist.
Forgiveness, which is rooted in your wound, as an untreated disease, will periodically make itself felt. You can eventually start thinking about your nobility, and after that the idea that the object of your generosity is due to you is drawn. And the offender can not think. And to create things at your discretion, which again you can inflict another wound. Why, then, develop this spiral and spend your time on such an empty and ungrateful business. Let's learn to forgive. Prepare for the fact that the transition from resentment to forgiveness will not be quick. And that's what psychologists tell us.
- The first thing you need to start with is understanding the causes of the conflict. And suddenly you made a molehill of an elephant. In a fit of quarrel and emotion, there is not always the ability to adequately accept the situation. Stay alone, try to calm down and reevaluate the situation again. You can even write some things on paper, this technique will help to look at what happened from the side.
- Release your negative emotions. Only the object of splash should be not the surrounding people! Better go in for sports or creative activities. The best option is not to accumulate a grievance, but to express everything in time. But no matter how it is, healing comes through awareness. In our case, the realization that you are angry and offended.
- Ask yourself why you do not allow forgiveness. After all, if serious, the reasons can be self-serving for you. For example, explain the reasons for their failures, the offender is to blame for everything. Or raise your self-esteem, causing another person to feel guilty. He repents, but you do not forgive him. Admit to yourself in the true motive of your protracted resentment, only in this case you can talk about "recovery".
- Try to understand your abuser. Maybe he did not want to hurt you, and so there were circumstances. Or he tried to convey to you what you did not know. Simulate a conflict situation in your imagination and try to look at it by an outside observer. The transition from the desire to revenge to forgiveness will develop in you a good feeling - empathy. That is, try on the thoughts and deeds of another person. If the harm was done to you on purpose, then nobody asks you to love or make your best friend. It is only about forgiveness, from which it becomes easier only for you.
- Believe me, you will not lose anything if you decide to go first to reconciliation. After all, it is clear that if you can not forget the offense, then the person means something to you. You can not be sure that the offender does not torture you with guilt and fear to approach you. Take the first step, so it will be easier for everyone and, first of all, for you.
- Do not forget that in every person there are both negative and positive sides. When we have anger, everything good is closed by a screen. And in my head the scenarios of previous negative actions are scrolled. If you want someone to forgive, then focus on the positive features of your offender. Let him open up to you, and who knows, maybe you will discover a lot of pleasant and new.
- Once again, forgiveness is important for you. Do not make a gesture of generosity from this act, and certainly a favor. The latter will be an indicator that you decided to just live with illusions without offense.
- There are also cases that seemingly impossible to forgive. And the first salvage elixir we find revenge. But revenge is just another attempt to amuse your wounded pride. This is not an option! And vice versa - a thread that can bind you to the offender for a long time. Once you are recruiting yourself, you will finally be freed from bondage and get the long-awaited inner freedom. If you know how to forgive others, then you yourself deserve forgiveness.
Another important point: know how to forgive yourself. Repenting and grieving over past mistakes is useless. This is a sign of a weak character. By wisdom they come through mistakes. All people are not without sin, and we are no exception. If you decide to forget your grief once and for all, you need to listen to the advice of psychologists. And then the process of forgiveness will pass quickly and painlessly for the wounded feelings.