Age difference
One of the first questions that parents face: at what age a baby will be easier to perceive the appearance of a brother or sister. Psychologists do not advise guessing the birth of the second (third, fourth) child under the first-born. He always comes to this world in time! But to know the characteristics of each age does not interfere.
• In 1,5-2 years
The first-born does not understand much himself, "parrots" the feelings of parents and, most likely, easily and simply will take from you love for the youngest. Usually, children remember themselves about four years old, so it's quite possible that the time when the first-born was the only one will be completely forgotten. The problem of jealousy will not be so deep, as in the 5-6 years of the general favorite. And the crisis of 3 years, most likely, will go more smoothly.
• In 3-5 years
Preparing a child for changes that occur in the family, you need more carefully. To prevent stress from the appearance of the "invader from cabbage," try to make the baby a full participant in the events. You need to listen to his opinion, protect self-esteem, motivate behavior, otherwise you can not avoid jealousy. In doing so, remember that children can play together not immediately. And it is better not to leave the little one alone with each other at first. In this case, the likelihood of injury to the baby is high - not by malice, but by oversight.
• At the age of 6-8
Mom needs a first-born not less than a newborn. His life is changing so much: independence, responsibility. The word "impossible" begins to be replaced by the concept "must": it must learn, make decisions, find its place in the team ... It takes not a couple of months to adapt to the new conditions, as many parents think, but 1.5-2 years. Therefore, you need to properly give the student the appearance of the baby as a new member of the family. And do not make the first child of the second father or mother.
During pregnancy
For a child up to primary school, a newborn in the tummy is like an alien in a spaceship. His attitude to the baby, he will build on the basis of what he hears from others. Therefore, to introduce the children to each other should be in advance.
What to do?
Tell us what the newborn will be: very tiny, unable to walk, will drink milk and cry. Show the baby his baby photos and a baby photo on ultrasound. Let me touch or measure my stomach. Ask the child what he remembers about himself from the infancy period. Tell him that he was in your tummy too, and he also ate from there (let him touch, like pounding his little hands and legs).
What should I avoid?
1) If you learned about your pregnancy, do not hide it from an older child. Do not set the dates for the presentation of the news (after ultrasound, triple test, week, decree, March 8). Your anxiety, uncertainty, brutal appetite can frighten and frustrate the child, and your distrust and unwillingness to share will set him up against this event.
2) Do not dedicate your child to your "plans for children." It is difficult for him to understand at almost any age. Do not ask: "Why do not we have a baby? What if we bought you a sister? "Remember her husband's reaction to such theorizing. Do not plan with the child what you yourself can not plan. It is important to teach the baby to take. Children come for love when they want, and not when they "plan and approve."
3) Wait for the 2 nd child together, but respect the feelings of your eldest. If he is dissatisfied with the fact that a brother or sister will appear, ask what could help them to make friends and love each other. The means for this can be mass. Suggest the kid to stroke your stomach, talk to the pusher, "download" the lullaby to the disk, draw a picture, make a frame for a photo on ultrasound, joke, help to collect a crib, choose a name and much more.
Where did this baby come from?
Among the many difficult questions that children ask adults, this one is one of the most difficult. In search of a suitable answer, there are several rules. It is important to remember that you told the child about his birth. If a child is three to five years old, tales about storks and cabbage are quite appropriate. But be prepared for the fact that very soon a modern child will know the truth, and you can lose credibility. Therefore, it is better to tell how it is, but avoiding physiological details. Physiology can be an excuse for various fears, a child can come up with "monsters from the tummy". The ideal story will be the story of your love and expectations of it (they waited for you just like a brother). Pay attention to your own condition. If mom herself is worried and hides her feelings - it's not clear emotions for the child. Try to explain to him what you think all the time - your anxiety should be divided. And pay attention to what you are translating at the level of words. The child can perceive the task of participating in the life of the baby as too sluggish, and too enthusiastic. Who, if not older brothers and sisters, secretly teach everything that adults prefer to keep silent, or even forbid at all? Teach the child to ask: "Mom, do you mind if I hold my brother?" Or "If I tell him how I fought." Ask the answer: "And you?" Teach the child to avoid the design "Can I?" You teach not to obey, but to negotiate and take on some of the responsibility.
Helpful Tips
Do not conduct educational conversations (that is possible, that it is impossible). Assess the level of independent skills of the elder and engage in their strengthening: he can eat, walk on the pot, go to bed. Gradually introduce restrictions: you need to play more quietly, my mother can not take you in your arms (she is tired). But do not associate restrictions with the future appearance of the baby. Read books where there are brothers-sisters. Focus the attention of the first child on the fact that children protect and protect each other. And they remain "friends for life". Take the older child a role in the preparation for childbirth (look out for new diaper toys together). He can choose and give to his unborn baby his little clothes. Even during pregnancy, teach the baby to spend some time with other adults. For these purposes, invite a grandmother or aunt in advance. Different family members will broadcast positive emotions about the appearance of crumbs, and include the first child in this "game".
Taboo on reckless words:
1) And do not we get ... (the child can not decide this).
2) We'll buy you a brother ... (a brother is not a toy).
3) If you behave badly - let's return back to the hospital ... (do not manipulate the feelings of the child).
4) Well, everything, now you're already an adult ... (he's the same child as before).
5) You should never miss a little sister, she will be quite tiny ... (do not project your fears onto the child).
6) We will still love you ... (do not cause jealousy).
Suitable phrases:
1) Soon your real brother will appear (not cousin, but the same, unique).
2) And I did not have a sister in my childhood ... (there is no one to protect, no one to play with ...).
3) We love you always, we are your family (confirm that it will always be so).
4) When you were in my tummy, you were more (give a sense of superiority).
5) Call the baby "our kid" (emphasize the involvement of the whole family).
Childbirth and first meeting
• Many psychologists advise the mother, at the time of discharge from the maternity home, to let the baby hold the midwife or her husband to embrace the older baby and tell her how glad she is to see him.
• Introduce the children to each other: "This is a kid, look at his little eyes-knob-legs, he's still such a crumb." Let hold and touch. Just do not show panic fear (and suddenly drop it?) And, conversely, do not turn the baby into a doll.
• Photograph the children together in the hospital, let the elder give you flowers. Explain that you have a holiday about the appearance of a new member of the family, and your life will become even more fun and interesting. Be attentive to the child's first reactions to stimuli: the crying of a baby, the struggle for a place next to his mother. Ask, maybe the baby wakes the elder, and he wants to sleep in another room. All small children are conservatives, stability in the family is important for them, and something new is always perceived as stress. Therefore, if you invited guests to congratulate a newborn, ask them to bring a small gift for the first-born. Or make these presents yourself.
Possible problems in mom
If, despite all the precautions and exhortations, you noticed that your seniors are jealous - rejoice. This means that the daily simulator with which children learn to solve conflicts, find compromises, share and make decisions, so that this exercise does not become a daily stress and does not turn your sweet home into hell, observe a simple regime. Do not be nervous for any reason and learn to see what is, and not what you are afraid of. It is up to you to have the obsession that the youngest will certainly not have enough of your love, and the elder will inevitably grow up to be an egoist. Learn to ask. In the answers to the simplest questions "what are you afraid of," "why are you angry now," the solution of the biggest problems can be hidden. Be consistent. If something is impossible, it can not always be, and not that "if you really want, then you can." Do not wait for quick results. Praise the results and let's make a mistake. If you send children for a walk, remember that you both have a walk, and not one walks another. There will be enough time before the elder can provide you with adequate help. Remember that the new feelings of the child in relation to everything new are normal. You admit that he may not like beetroot, sandalaki or Aunt Masha. But there are also obvious "deviations".
Possible problems for the first child:
- return to an earlier period of development (the child starts to lisp, fight for the nipple, refuses to sleep in his bed, does not want to ask to go to the toilet);
- aggression towards the younger and parents;
- hysterics, rejection of the situation, threats to leave the house;
- persistent proposals "to turn the baby back", give, give away;
- attracting the attention of parents (illness, bad behavior, poor academic performance, extravagant antics, lies, fantasies).
What to do?
The older child does not have to grow up with the younger. He is a child like that. The more you say that "he is older and he must", the more vivid the protest will be. Encourage "trouble-free behavior" when the baby is not sick, behaves well, is self-employed. Find time and words to evaluate it. Come up with new rituals; "I understand that now I have increased my worries, but I would like to do something together every evening / morning / Tuesday. Do you think that it can be (cook breakfast for dad, go for yoga, sing karaoke, jump on the bed, get bored, play a computer game ...)? "Explain that you need his support, help to realize the significance, the importance of it help for mom. The form of this help he must choose himself. Suggest options and come up with a deal, participate in what is happening. Choose from favorite activities that emphasize the independence of the baby. Any games are good: "bring the pillows, make a nest." But here, and may be more serious requests: "Collect a briefcase, prepare your clothes," "Please give me a napkin or napkin." Be sure to continue kissing, hugging the first-born, stroking the head. Tactile contact is that inconspicuous sign by which the baby non-verbally determines your location to him. Keep minutes of communication with the baby: keep reading the tales for the night and feed the pigeons in the morning. More attention after the birth of the baby should be given to the older child. Try to involve in all cases that do not require your presence to involve your husband, grandparents. Free time, dedicate the firstborn. Ask: "What would you like to do?" And in any case, do not send the elder child to a grandmother, aunt or five days, so as not to injure him. Nothing hurts like this. Live the difficulties together. Remain still and his mother.