Direction - West
The phenomenon, called "female marriage migration", was noted by specialists in the mid-1990s. After the "Iron Curtain" collapsed with a roar, many ladies got a real opportunity to get to the magic country of their dreams under the common name of Abroad. Our imagination was represented by milk rivers and puddles, on which there are white palaces inhabited by beautiful and gallant princes. We knew for sure: "there" is better. The higher the standard of living, the more inviolable laws, the cleaner the streets, the more delicious the hamburgers. And they knew for sure: "here" - the best women. Beautiful, kind, sympathetic, economic and most importantly - able to be grateful. Mysterious Slavic soul in exchange for the western quality of life - this exchange was considered by both parties to be honest. But it turned out that the presentations of each other on both sides of the former curtain were very attracted with amazement and discovered that the welfare of their husbands is based on economy, bordering on avarice, and it is not accepted to throw money in their surroundings. Well, the foreign princes wondered why the wife is not going crazy with joy, finding in the new house an iron, a refrigerator and a washing machine: was she not deprived of all this in her poor homeland ?! The first wave of euphoria broke out, the everyday stories about destructive divorces, the failures of emigrants in the career, the marriage swindlers, criminal structures on trafficking in human beings poured like a hail ... We became more distrustful, self-sufficient, began to travel abroad and communicate with "them" not like with the Martians , but as with business partners and simply pleasant interlocutors in Internet chats, and all this in order to soon marry a rich foreigner. "Interdevochek" has become smaller, although the flow of clients in international marriage agencies has remained stable for many more years. How to really marry a foreigner - not many are ready to answer this question.
And at the beginning of this year the Minister of Justice of Ukraine Mykola Onischuk, referring to the statistics of civil registration bodies, notes the tendency: every 30th marriage registered in Ukraine is concluded between our compatriots and foreign citizens. Even if we take into account the citizens of the CIS countries - the statistics are still impressive. And, as I was told in the Central Registry Office of Kiev, in the overwhelming majority of such couples, the foreigner is the groom. "Take away our girls ..." - sighed an employee, telling me statistics.
If we talk about the age of potential brides who do not know how to really marry a foreigner and who dream of a happy marriage, two groups clearly stand out among them. The first - very young girls, only that from high schools: 22 - 25 years. The second - ladies with experience, with one or two unsuccessful marriages behind their shoulders, sometimes with children and already developed careers - they are 35 years old or more.
The reason for a new wave of marriage migration lies on the surface. Yes, yes, the most notorious word of six letters, the last "c". Hard times have the ability to activate the most enduring myths in us. And even knowing full well that "there" - their problems and life is not so bright as we once thought, we are eager to go to a place where everything should be better in the doldrums of the crisis. Simply because "there" is not "here". It's good where we do not exist, and beautiful princes in fairy tales do not by chance live only on the far end of the earth, and none in the neighboring castle. To abandon everything and leave is the easiest way to change a life, and the crisis is a push to development, making us more resolute in achieving goals that previously seemed unrealizable.
First, women go abroad for a higher quality of life than here, and for that they want to marry a rich foreigner. And, secondly, they are looking for a different model of relationships, a different attitude to themselves than what they are used to at home. It is no accident that many international marriages are concluded between young girls and middle-aged men. A young wife expects from a marriage of confidence in the future, which, in her opinion, only an adult solid man can provide. Such ideas, of course, are related to the ideal image of the father - this image is created practically by any woman.
And what moves foreign princes on white limousines? By now, they have stopped looking at Slavic wives as cheap housekeepers or a beautiful accessory for going out. Much more important for them is our other quality - more precise than that of Western girls for marriage, orientation to the family, and not to a career. Almost every our woman, marrying a foreigner, plans to have children in this marriage.
External data of the future wife, however, are still important for foreign suitors - the Slavic type of beauty does not go out of fashion not only on the catwalks. "Coming to Ukraine, Western men immediately note how many beautiful girls we have. European and American women have a highly developed sense of ownership.
A man is so much easier to find a wife - not only beautiful, but also kind, affectionate, intelligent. Her young age is an added bonus in a highly competitive environment. " According to Anastasia, many Western businessmen say they agreed to conduct business with Ukraine, under the current unstable economic situation, only because they found a wife here. So export brides do a good job and for the international image of the country - in a crisis it is also an important advantage.
The crisis of expectations
Iridescent ideas about the new life, which, it seems to us, should be better simply because it is new, when moving abroad are often broken - not "about life", like that love boat, but about the cultural and psychological differences between our countries . Disadvantages are, as is always the case, continuations of merit.
We mentioned that one of the motivations of women marrying foreigners is the desire for fundamentally different relationships than is customary in our culture. As a result of the victories of feminism, the real and not the declared equality of men and women in the West is manifested not only legally, but also at the everyday level: the patriarchal "husband to the whole head" is replaced by parity in the relationship, both seek to take into account the wishes of both partners. For example, as a result of numerous campaigns to combat domestic violence, men in America and Europe have almost universally learned that if a woman says "no" - that means "no." Even doubts and hesitations are interpreted in favor of "no." In practice, this can lead to a situation: the husband just does not go into his wife's bedroom, if she closes the door at night. The next morning - mutual perplexity: "Why did not you come to me?" - "But you closed the door, how could I come? "Also, many Ukrainian wives are stupefied by her husband's habit of asking her opinions and being interested in her choice: a girl brought up in a strong conviction" to decide a man ", can not always really understand what she really wants, and that express her wishes aloud - is permissible. In general, Europeans and especially Americans are able and willing to talk about feelings and discuss relationships. If your chosen partner has experienced a complicated divorce, he probably also worked through this problem with the therapist and now knows how to talk about such things before they lead to the collapse of the family.
The wide Slavic soul does not always fit into the carefully cherished desire to protect personal space , which Americans are especially different (among Europeans, English, Germans and Scandinavians, and to a lesser extent French and representatives of southern peoples behave so). The society there is so arranged that each person keeps separately, vigilantly guarding the inviolability of his and others' private lives. Someone can fit in, I do not. I appreciate the simplicity and immediacy in the relationship. " Even in the circle of close people it is not customary to invade each other's personal territory - that is why the families of children and parents live separately, the conflicts between "daughter-in-law" and "mother-in-law" arise rarely, and the grown up heirs are "pushed out of the nest" when they reach adulthood, if the desire for freedom does not leap them before. Someone will greet such a model of relations: as the most civilized, someone will decide that this dish lacks a pinch of warmth and soulfulness. But generally accepted relations in society as the weather: it can not be changed, you can only adapt to it.
In Western families there is almost no "war" between relatives, including former spouses: a new park of "former" are happy to meet, spend time with children, etc. - such a model of the family experts called polynuclearny. No jealousy in these cases does not arise - because all the problems have been discussed and worked out for a long time, no one keeps the stones in his bosom. "5" it can cause us to associate with "free marriages", to which we too are ambiguous.
Women's forums are full of complaints about the avarice of foreign suitors: our ladies do not fit into the head how and why wealth is getting along with such inconceivable savings. Why, if the husband's income is one hundred thousand dollars a year, he can not give her five thousand right now? This is even after the husband on his fingers explains to her where exactly these hundred thousand go - taxes, credits and so on. Often brides are faced with the fact that a successful husband does not seek to lead a lifestyle that corresponds (in the opinion of a woman) to his status. One of these heroines of the international novel married a respectable Norwegian businessman and was literally shocked that her husband prefers to lead a Spartan lifestyle, live in a simple wooden house with a minimum of necessary things and spend a lot of time in the gym.
Ukraine is not Europe?
We have nice and kind Ukrainian brides too, than to drive a husband into a stupor. Calculating Europeans do not understand our desire and ability to live beyond our means: "Where do luxury cars come from in the courtyards of Khrushchev?" Why make such a luxurious apartment in such an apartment and get involved in exorbitant debts, organizing a wedding or other celebration? "Skaryna, in the West prefer to live modestly and noiselessly:" Western businessmen say that such noisy and cheerful cities as Moscow and Kiev are perfectly suitable for in order to spend there youth - at a more respectable age they choose less urbanized places of residence. " Foreign wives are also perplexed about our "what will people say?" - they have such a close look at all relatives and neighbors that have been preserved only in small towns.
As for the notorious economy, to which Ukrainian wives hasten to surprise their foreign husbands, in the West it is more often puzzling: thanks to the development of technologies, housekeeping requires a minimum of effort. Why create difficulties for themselves, and then bravely overcome them if all domestic problems can be solved by pressing a few buttons?
In any case, even if the future spouses had time to get to know each other, to go to visit, to get acquainted with relatives and friends - about a year after the move, they are going to adapt to the new situation. And the point here is not in the language barrier (all experts unanimously state that this is the smallest problem possible), but in a fundamentally different environment, with different orders, traditions, habits, the rhythm of life. This is an unavoidable difficulty, you just have to wait it out, not rushing to extremes, and do not rush to immediately pick up your still-undeclared suitcase and jerk home, as many impatient new-arrivals have done. Even if the country seems close to Ukraine - it is impossible to do without an adaptation period. Eugenia, who married in Poland, confessed to me that the first six months were simply unbearably difficult: I did not understand what I was doing here and where I could go. But then, surprisingly, I was helped by new relatives and friends - in Poland they are well treated with Ukrainians, so they communicated very kindly with me.
Judging by how many of these problems pop up with a close look at cross-cultural marriages, we are still not so much Europe as we want to seem. So - we inevitably attract each other. Perhaps, with time, when the crisis is over, and the notorious integration will take place not only at summits, but in the minds, we will be able to see each other not aliens, but just interesting and good people. Because practice shows: the most enduring are those marriages in which the ethnic difference between the spouses does not protrude per minute and does not look out of all the gaps in the relationship. But in this case, perhaps, it makes no sense to talk about the trend: it's just life.