I did not have a desire to work in the orphanage for a long time. I just live very close to this dreary institution, which for the time being tried to avoid it. Their homes are two, and watching orphans - not the best of the existing occupations. Whether you want it or not, whether you feel any guilt or not, but the heart starts to ache, and the conscience - to torment not in jest. But life has disposed of in its own way ... I, a mathematics teacher, did not work well with the headmaster, and my son was ill, making me constantly sit on sick leave. And I had to go to an orphanage, intending to work here only until that bright time, until I settled in another school. Employees in the orphanage have always been lacking: few people have so much heartfelt goodwill that every day to be next to the most sad human grief - children who were betrayed and abandoned by their own parents.
But more than twenty years have passed , and I'm still here in the orphanage, and I do not want to leave these kids any more. That day before work, I had to go to the district hospital, where several of our pupils were treated. Has typed sweets, cookies - not with empty hands to go! From the reception room, a crying child's cry was heard. So crying newcomers ... I can distinguish this crying from thousands of other intonations and nuances of ordinary children's tears. It does not matter how old the new orphans are. Only they cry so bitterly, and in every sob - a terrible discovery. It seems that the child says:
"Why am I alone ?! Where's Mom ?! Call her! Tell me that I feel bad without it. " So it was. In the reception room, the nurse was busy around a small cot. I leaned over the tear-stained crumb: in the form of months ten or eleven, a neat little wit ... It's not like a child of dysfunctional parents. I define the children of alcoholics or drug addicts instantly.
They have frightened eyes , bluish skin, a terrible appetite after domestic hunger strikes. They are very nervous, often with mental or physical disabilities. This kid is from a different category: either the parents have a problem, or a young girl gave birth to him outside of marriage and could not cope with the role of a single mother.
A new acquisition, "the nurse reported. - They call Elvira Tkachenko.
Elvira ... I remembered how, at first, strange or very rare names shocked me by the people who gave them to their children. Angelica, Oscar, Eduard, Constance and Laura ... Perhaps, so stupidly and awkwardly, grief-parents wanted to decorate the life of their poor offspring?
I could not find another explanation for this strange and sad phenomenon. The children's "Angelica" children were not like the famous heroine of the novels of Anna and Serge Golon, "Laur" was not expected by passionate Petrarchs, and it is unlikely that Constantia will experience the violent love impulses of D'Artagnan ... In another way, their life marked by a melancholy stamp early orphanhood.
- Tkachenko? - I asked and froze. "Lord, this can not be!" Can I look at her documents? The error was excluded. Not a namesake, not a sister ... The papers testified that the mother of the girl, Ulyana Tkachenko, in a state of nervous breakdown, was taken to a psychiatric hospital. I grabbed the phone and called my friend from the guardianship and guardianship department. Maria Mikhailovna had to know exactly what had happened.
- Masha? This is Zoya. The girl was brought to the hospital today ... Elvira Tkachenko. I know my mother very well. Her name is Ulyana Tkachenko. Please, could you tell me what happened to her? - Oh, Zoya, it's terrible! See, I'll never get used to these nightmares. No, no ... No immorality, no knifing ... I do not know much. Neighbors paid attention to the continuous crying cry of the child for two days, called the police and the ambulance. The door had to be broken ... Mother sat on the floor and held in her hands some crumpled piece of paper. Then we managed to find out that it was a letter.
I did not react to others at all . Doctors say that in this state she stayed for a very long time. Yes, and it was clear from the child: the girl was completely wet, cold and hungry. Crawled on the floor next to the crazy. That's all. Mother was sent to a psychiatric hospital, a child to a nursery. We'll find out where the baby's father is. "Thank you, Masha," I breathed out and embarked on the work with exasperation. This medicine has been tested for years. If the heart suddenly contracted, it became hard to breathe, and there was no way out in the foreseeable future, I tried to plunge into the work. In any. It helped. But today, thoughts were constantly returning to Ulya, Ulyanka, Ulyana Tkachenko, whose daughter is now in the reception room of the children's hospital and is continuously crying bitterly. I perfectly remember the face of Uli when she first crossed the threshold of the orphanage. She was four years old. Huge frightened eyes, tightened into the fists of thin handles. She was going to really defend herself against the new disaster that fell upon her. Kroha got used to this necessity, being in constant fear from the ramparts of alcoholic parents. But this is already in the past. In the eyes of the little ones, they drank to death with technical alcohol. The girl was here, because the next of kin ... just refused to take care of her.
But you can not order your heart . No matter how I tried to treat all children carefully and smoothly, but Ulyanka liked me more than others. Surprisingly, in this girl from a dysfunctional family there was so much worldly wisdom, kindness, cordiality, incredible dedication. Once we with the kids were preparing for a festive morning performance, and Ulya sat and gazed out of the window of her forced orphanage.
"What are you dreaming about, Ulyanka?" - burst out at me, although I remembered the unwritten rule: in no case can these children be asked about their dreams. Taboo! For we know the answer beforehand. Only one dream for all orphans, and even that - almost always unrealizable. Fata Morgana.
"I dream not to be here," answered the five-year-old child. - I dream that I will have a mom, dad, brothers and a big dog. I want my house!
I pressed her to me and began to tell me something to distract me. But it was simply impossible to do it.
One night I heard a rustling in the bedroom and went to her bed. The girl was lying with wide eyes, large tears streaming from her.
"Why are not you asleep, Ulechka?"
"Aunt Zoe, take me to your room," she whispered. - I will do everything at home, I will be obedient. And I will not offend your children. They are not evil, are they? And your husband is probably the most kind in the world. Come on, I'll be your daughter. Children can not be without a home. In fact, the truth?
"Do not you love our common home?" - I asked, taught by the experience of communication on this topic. "We gathered children, of whom there is no one to care for, and we try to make you feel good here ..." Ulyana did not react to my words, and I continued even more convincingly.
- Well, think: we are only twenty teachers and nurses, and you are more than a hundred. And new children come to us. You see, really, Ulechka? Could we love you if you were in different places? No! We would never have had time, and someone would have remained hungry or in trouble. No, you and I should live together: here, in our common house. Take care of each other, help ...
"I love everyone here: children, teachers, nannies ..." She looked at me, and tears rolled from her eyes. "But we will not tell anyone that you will take me." I want to be only your daughter. Can?
"Then I will see you less than now." I'm always here. Sleep, Ulechka. Tomorrow we have a lot of interesting things, "I softly tried to persuade the child.
"So, you will not take it," Ulyanka said in a broken voice and turned away.
I tried to pay a lot of attention to this touching girl. And she remembered just this: small, fragile, with huge eyes ... Our children's home contained preschool children, and when Ule was seven she was sent to another orphanage. The boarding school was located in the district center, about a hundred kilometers from the city. We promised to write to each other. The bus stood at the threshold, and she sobbed, clasping me with delicate handles. "I will write all the time, Aunt Zoe ... Do not you forget me, just do not forget!" I'll write, "she would say, like a spell.
"Of course," I told the girl, making incredible efforts not to burst into tears. - You must write to me, because I'm worried and I want you to grow up happy, no matter what. - I'm gonna be happy. I promise you ... How she tried! Her frequent naive letters ... I keep them until now. Here is Ulya in the first grade. Curves of letters, the line creeps. "Dear Aunt Zoe. May I call you Mom Zoya? I'm studying well. Soon I will grow up. I will have my own house, and I will invite you to visit. " Oh, you poor thing. And so in every letter.
My house ... When Ulya graduated from nine classes, she left even further, to the neighboring district center. I entered the vocational school, I studied tailor. A sweeping handwriting, funny words ... "Hello, Mom Zoya! I already have my own bed! You understand? Its own real bed! I bought it on the sale of old furniture, I spent the whole scholarship. Will have to starve, but is this important? I'm lying on my bed and dreaming. Soon I will become a real dressmaker, I can sew everything: clothes, bed linens, and even little things for babies. Girls say that good dressmakers always earn a lot. I promised you, Mom Zoya, that I'll be happy, so I have a lot to do. I'll manage with them, and I'll have my own house. Prepare to visit me. "
She was possessed by this dream , and nothing could stop her little brave and sick heart. It struggled desperately, only to escape from the terrible orphanhood and loneliness. And then she met this Robert. I did not even see it in my eyes, but something that was imperceptibly unsettling was in Uli's letters, and I was very worried. "Zoya's mother! I now have a young man. He loves me very much, and without him I simply can not live. Now I finally believe that I, or rather Robert and I, will have our own home, family, child. I want my child to have the happiest destiny, and he would never repeat mine. I would not even know what it is: to feel "worse". Robert says that I'm too demanding to look at life easier. But he just did not survive what we and you, Zoya's mother, encountered in your life! We know what's worst when you are betrayed ... I can withstand any tests. But do not betray me! If in my life, at least someone else leaves me, as an unnecessary thing, I'll go crazy. We in fact with you understand, that to treachery there is no pardon ... "She and wrote -" we with you ", and I once again marveled at wisdom of this fragile little girl. She alone was able to understand that it's unbearably difficult for us, the teachers, to bleed daily with our heart, soothing the unhappy orphans weeping from misery.
At last the day came when I saw Ulyan's chosen one. She called me at home and shouted with happiness in her voice:
"Zoya's mother!" I'm getting married! Without you, there will be no wedding, because you are the most welcome guest. Robert and I are waiting for you! You must see what a beautiful wedding dress I made myself! In it, I'm such a beauty, just like an artist!
And I went. The Cape of the Hive was not seen for twelve years, and if it were not for the photographs that she sent me occasionally, I would never have recognized my pupil in this tall beautiful girl. Next to her - a man of about forty with a frowning face. Lysovat, plump, running eyes. Oh, orphan, where did you look ?! But she did not seem to notice all this. Her glance at her future wife expressed admiration. I did not tell Ulyanka about my suspicions. Yes, and how would it look? The girl is in love with her ears, her eyes are shining, and I'll whisper about her intuitive sensations? This I will only make it worse, because she can think that I want to destroy her happiness. And I'm the closest person to her ... But Robert still did not like me, even kill! And it was late to say something, to advise: Ulyanka in the wedding dress is already signing the document and becomes the lawful wife of this suspicious, in my opinion, type. Although she kept her maiden name. "So you will not lose me," - laughing, Ulyanka explained to me her action.
After the wedding, letters from Ulenka began to come much less often. They were short, nervous and deliberately optimistic. But in them - no, no, yes and skipped the alarming questions, to which, despite my life experience, I could not always answer: "Zoya's mom! Now I have my own house. What I dreamed all my life, finally came true. But for some reason I'm not very happy. It turned out that the house is not all that a person needs for happiness. On the contrary. The house is not the main thing. Sometimes I want to live with a loved one under an evergreen bush, only to know that love will never leave you. Do people really not understand this? "The most joyful, but at the same time, the most disturbing letters from Ulyanka came at a time when she was expecting a child. "Zoya's mother! I'll soon be a mom myself. I feel dizzy with happiness when I put my hand to my stomach and feel the tapping of the baby's legs. I am sure that a woman who is blissful from this simple fact will never abandon her child. Maybe my real mother, therefore, drank all my life, that I did not put my hand to my stomach when I was carrying it under my heart. I'll crash, but my sun will never get to the orphanage!
I'm not specifically interested in the child's sex beforehand: I expect a surprise from nature. And although Robert categorically wants only a boy, I think that there will be a girl. And even a name I already thought of! My little girl will be the very best! " Woe ... What a grief! I carefully fold her letters and remember the little Elvira's face. How do you look like your mother, honey! The same huge eyes, the same kind smile. And the worst thing is that you do not even realize that you can become an orphan. How afraid of it your strong and such a fragile mother! ... I did not have to find out in which hospital Uliana was lying.
"Psihushka" - one for the whole of our region! A strict nurse led me through a chlorine-smelling corridor, opened a gray-and-white door ... Yes, it's Ulyanka! She motionlessly looked at one point, not paying any attention to everything that happens around. In his hands - a crumpled sheet of paper.
I tried to take this sheet from her hands , but she burst into wild weeping and pressed the paper to her, looking around fearfully, as if afraid that they would take away not just a piece of paper, but life itself ...
"It's impossible to take it," complained the elderly nurse. "Only this piece of paper is for her, poor!" That's how he sits all day and holds it in his hands.
- And what's in there? - I ask.
- Yes, a letter from her husband. Just a few lines. When she was asleep, we carefully took the letter and read it. Guys - bastards. The eunuch muzhichok writes: "You are lost, the orphan is mistaken! I will not live with you! Do not look for me! Robert". And what kind of Robert was she so caught up in it? Maybe a singer, which one?
- What singer ?! The worm! - I cried out sharply, trying to hide, suddenly ran up tears. - You better say: what do the doctors say? Will she get well? Maybe I need some medicine, help ... I'll do everything, just to make it easier for her. She's got a daughter ...
"They say bad things," the nurse admitted. "What is there for her, poor fellow, to live until the end of the century?" Well, if, of course, a miracle does not happen. It can be any way. I've been working here for a long time. Has seen. Here there are kind of light patients, and stick out for years, but there are those that are a hair's breadth from death, but they get out ...
Here it is, your happiness, Ulechka! I could not resist that you were abandoned again, betrayed ... But what about your daughter? Why did your wisdom fall asleep at that moment? Why did not you save yourself for crumbs? She's now exactly where you least wanted her to be! Is it possible that you dreamed about such a fate for your little one and prayed for higher forces to save her from trouble?
I returned home and, choking with sobs, told my husband everything. Described the difficult fate of her pupil, recalled all her tests since birth. And in my head the plan slowly developed. When I finished my confession, I told him decisively:
"I want to take her daughter home." It is impossible in another way. I can not ... It's my duty.
"Take it, of course, we will manage," the husband replied and embraced me, and I burst into tears with a new strength.
Well, why did not poor Ole come across such a reliable and strong person as my husband? Why did fate throw this rogue Robert to her? For what, for what sins? In the morning I told the tragic story of Uli to the head of the children's hospital. And she allowed to take Elia home the same day, saying:
"Under your responsibility, Zoya." Documents start to make out today. If someone from the department of guardianship and trusteeship finds out that I gave you a girl without documents, without a refusal of my father, I will lose my job. And you too. They will also serve in court.
- Today! - I swore, but it was not with this. Immediately I took Elvira home, where my grown-up children and my husband did not leave the baby for a minute. And she rushed to the "psychiatric hospital" for Ole.
- Yes, you're wasting every day, - the nurse regretted me. - As sat, and sits. No changes.
"I really need it," I said. Ulyanka was sitting in the same position as the day before.
Wobbled from side to side , looked past me in only her led distance and squeezed a letter in her hand. I leaned over to her, stroked my head and whispered as a spell:
- Ulyanka! My daughter you are my daughter! Elvira did not come to the orphanage. She is all right. She lives in my house now and is waiting for you! Rather get well, Mom! We really need you ... I will come to you, and tell you about my daughter, and you gain strength. We are now a family ... Ulyanka was still swaying, but it seemed to me that tears flashed in the corners of her huge eyes. No, my little girl! Do not give up! Your happiness, rosy-cheeked and smiling, is waiting for you. You can do it! You will throw out a vile letter and you will certainly return ... And we will wait for you! I believe a miracle will happen!