Everybody has heard about this. In this all believe. It is said about this. But what, in essence, is a natural connection between mother and child? What does it depend on? At what point does and can it disappear? And how strong is it? Let's talk about this.
Mom just knows.
"When I carried you home from the hospital, I looked at the staircase in the envelope and froze in amazement. You looked at me with such a pervasive and meaningful look that from now on I was absolutely sure - you understand everything, you feel everything, you know everything about me, my daughter! "- so my mother told me when I, a pregnant woman, asked her about his infancy. After these words, many fragments from my already adult life formed in one picture: how my mother once called me from afar and asked how I feel. Because she is sure that I have a fever. And I had, and even what! When it was time for me to give birth, which happened a week before the deadline, my mother was a hundred miles away in the country with her sister's son. My husband and I did not count on any support, but she suddenly appeared on the threshold and, without even saying hello, asked: "The ambulance was called?". How did you know all this? - I tortured her after every such incident. Mom spread her hands: she just knew, that's all.
Best friend.
Becoming a mother, I repeatedly noticed that some kind of wordless understanding between me and my son was established as if by itself. If my bad mood was caused by reasons beyond the control of the child, the baby seemed to "adjust" to me. This became especially noticeable after a year. The child could take care of himself for a long time, especially when I was in such a state that it seemed that everything annoyed me, and it's better not to touch me again. His tranquility was contagious - all my troubles began to seem not so terrible. Becoming older, the son could come up without saying a word, caress me and as if to transfer part of his inexhaustible infant energy.
It's not always the same.
Talking with other mothers and watching their relationship with children, I noticed that they are all developing their own laws of communication. At others, everything is built on nuances, they react sensitively to each other. And some mothers are surprisingly insensitive to the signs that their child gives them. And sometimes, a foreign parent can understand the needs of a baby earlier than his own mother.
We are connected.
It is obvious that between us and our children there is an invisible thread stretched from heart to heart. Thanks to this natural connection between mother and child, we understand almost everything without words and when one of the interlocutors is still unable to speak. The possibility of such a connection is provided by nature as one of the mechanisms of survival, but it may not be formed, suppressed or destroyed.
The Kid was born. It is good, if the maximum conditions for your immediate reunification were created in the maternity hospital. But it happens in every way, and there are all sorts of reasons why a mother and child can be separated in the first days after the meeting. And during pregnancy, women are differently aware of their readiness for motherhood. The ability to feel and anticipate is formed gradually, this requires hours and days.
Maternal bonding (from the English word bond - "bond, bonds") - is part of universal relations, although a special part. Unlike the connection with the father, the connection between the mother and the child is also physiological in nature. There are hundreds of different factors that influence the formation of this connection.
We know that between the two loving, albeit not native, people, over time, an invisible psychological connection is established, allowing to anticipate thoughts, moods, feel the subtle changes in relations, feel almost someone else's pain. What to say about mother and child, whose connection is maintained by nature at the hormonal level. The release of the hormone oxytocin, which is especially aggravated in women during breastfeeding, helps to establish this connection as well as possible. But mothers who have experienced traumatic births or do not breast-feed, this way, although difficult, is not closed at all.
Listen and hear.
The best way to set up your own "communication line" is to eliminate both your excessive control and indifferent looseness from your baby. You do not need to make a child something like your daily schedule, and his daily routine is a way to organize your own life. Harmonization of your rhythms does not tolerate fuss. Excessive excitement, anxiety and throwing about "what I'm doing wrong", especially if you are cultivating them consciously in yourself, this is the first manifestation of your still imaginary irresponsibility. After all, with this unnecessary emotional noise, you drown out the instinctive and intuitive impulses that your body, your mother's body, gives you.
Yes, the child is new to this world. But your child is not the first person on earth. So do not worry - he is supplied with nature in sufficient number of ways to let know what he needs at this moment of his life. The main thing is to have someone "listen" to him.
All the messages the kid addresses the mother. And she can tune in to her child, quietly listening to his breathing when he sleeps next to him, holding his chest in his arms while rocking, calmly and attentively treating the child's natural needs, not "tracing", but not ignoring his slightest movements. Mum learns, often almost at a subconscious level, by external, barely perceptible signs of anxiety, for some internal clock that is common for two, to catch when the toddler needs "ah" or "pi-pi". She learns to distinguish crying from pain or hunger, discontented squealing from boredom.
Trust yourself and the child.
Various materials that we can draw from the literature on childcare, from the personal experience of other mothers, are very important. Accept the recommendations with confidence (if they are worth it), but with a healthy share of criticism. Which is appropriate, if only because the experience of each mother and child not only has common characteristics (otherwise what is the point of generalizing and discussing something, drawing conclusions!), But also individual traits. And it is these "details", hardly noticeable to the outside view, but obvious to a sensitive mother, and make your relationship with your child unique.
Rejoice and seek peace among your worries. Then you can clearly hear the same voice of maternal and childlike attachment to each other, which in time will not drown out any storms of life.