Family psychologist: for and against
Of course, it's not easy to sort out the disputes themselves. The family has a lot of "underwater currents" and invisible to the eye of many icebergs. It is not easy to see them, just like learning to finally talk with each other.
Despair and the inability to understand anything push people to finally turn to a psychologist or a psychotherapist. But if you are more or less clear about yourself, and the problem lies only in the relationship, then the consultation will have to go together. Most psychologists (it does not matter whether they hold consultations on-line or "live") with married couples work only in the presence of both spouses. After all, when serious problems arise in the pair, then everyone, as a rule, has his own truth.
Everyone is right, no one is to blame
The most difficult problems usually concern global issues. Here is just a small list of views of the spouses, causing differences:
- What future of the spouse is ideal for themselves, what they seek;
- Do they want to have children, if yes - how much and at what age;
- Career in the life of both spouses;
- Location;
- Relations between generations;
- Who is the main person in the family, who decides questions, who does what they have decided by the "whole family"
and many other, not very simple questions.
For each of them there can be not only one or two opinions (common spouses, special understanding of the situation by each of the spouses, for several generations). In addition, in addition to voiced positions, there are both representations and latent desires.
For example: The wife works and earns well, but in fact she would like to stay at home and raise children. But she knows that the spouse, even to her assumption of such a life, will already be outraged. And then, for the sake of preserving the family, it does not just keep silent about one's desire, but also persuades itself that the husband is right.
All these questions for the time being, while in the family between the spouses there is at least a small part of the former love, are hushed up. So, they can at any moment become an additional (and very serious) argument in the dispute.
Even worse, this argument is likely to be filed in a modified form - like "You never listen to my opinion," or "You do not appreciate me." Such reproach sounds so general that the second spouse, to whom indignation is addressed, is lost in conjectures. After all, in fact, he appreciates, loves, and listens to the opinion - he only dared to have his own and impose on his family.
Psychologist in Action
Strangely enough, but on-line consultations of the family psychologist are able to give more to both the man and the woman. The husband will be calmer, because you do not have to play by the rules of the wife - that is, to speak. He is shown almost a step-by-step scheme of actions, clarifying his beliefs on this or that occasion.
Despite all the contradictory human nature, a man perceives a family online therapist more positively - because he appeals to logic and reason. A woman often needs support, sympathy, advice and joint reflection on her situation.
Therapeutic sessions with a psychologist in her city could turn into a waste of money for a "waistcoat." And so she gets help dosed, along with calls to talk to her husband about her needs and ready-made recipes, as it can be done in her case.
In addition, it is quite difficult for a man to "get out" somewhere, even to the theater. Not to mention any psychologists there. Denying the problem, a man often outweighs the blame for a woman - "you do not like it, but it suits me." A letter from a psychologist or a question asked by him can call him to meditation and reasoning.
How to "force" it to discuss sore?
A well-known foreign psychologist (by the way, a man) shared experience how to help husbands come to a consultation. Then, after all, there was no Internet, and consultations were only "in-person". So, the husband denied having a problem - "I'm all right." But the psychologist retorted: "You have a problem, if only because your wife has a problem."
In some cases, the psychologist, from the words of the client, described the behavior of the husband in such gloomy colors that he resorted to a consultation at least in order to disprove the opinion of the psychologist.
In the family, everyone leads a "game of their own"
Despite the fact that a man and a woman are different (they are equal, but not the same), each of them leads their own games in the family. And they have one goal - to be a "winner". But this victory is Pyrrhic, as a result of which no one wins anything. The task of the psychologist is to help the spouses come from competition (I'm better) to cooperation (together we are better, more can).
To resolve all the conflicts themselves, to unravel all the contradictions that arise in the course of these non-harming games, the avoidance of clearly stated claims at the beginning of the work helps. Clarification of relations can be postponed to a later stage - after everyone will voice how he sees the current relationship within the family.
Working with vivid emotions, anger, anger (which many couples do not consider correct to manifest within the family) allows you to gradually move to deeper layers - where the person's convictions are rooted. And the woman notices that in her desire to stay at home, she simply competes with her mother or tries to be "like everyone else" in her ideas.
Imagine an online psychologist as a referee
To convince dear and beloved in the need to work with a psychologist, you can tell your husband that he (as you saw more than once), and, of course, you sometimes have different claims to each other. But it is dangerous for friends, and even more so for relatives, to believe family secrets.
So let there be a referee, a sports judge, who will be able to prevent serious injuries in time and at least say "break" to spooked spouses. And then, having learned to pronounce and discuss, you can manage yourself ...