Psychologist's advice: how to avoid conflict between parents and children depends largely on your child's sex. It is an interesting fact that conflicts with daughters arise much more often than with sons, for the reason that a daughter needs to communicate more intimate space than for her son. From this we see that conflicts by their nature do not arise from the fact that family members are too far from each other, but, on the contrary, from their close interaction. Therefore, if you have conflicts - do not panic or blame yourself, it is entirely normal phenomenon that everyone faces. In order to avoid conflicts between parents and children, it is necessary to understand the essence of this concept, the reasons for their occurrence, and then consider ways how to solve them.
How do conflicts begin? First, and above all, this difference of interest. At the same time, satisfaction of the desire of one side infringes upon the interests of the other, in other words, simultaneously these desires can not be fulfilled, and the situation arises "either ... or", in which one needs to choose one of the interests and desires.
In this situation, there are two wrong and one correct way of solving. Unfortunately, most parents choose the wrong way to resolve the conflict, provoking other problems of character formation and upbringing.
Consider ways to solve a particular conflict pattern. For example, guests should come to the family, and the mother should forgive her daughter in her room, to which she responds that at the moment she needs to finish a program that she must throw off to one of her guests, say, her cousin, that she promised in last time. There is a conflict situation, where each of the individuals needs to fulfill their desire, and each of them must be fulfilled simultaneously.
The first wrong way to solve the conflict, in which the parent wins. The mother orders her daughter to abandon the unfinished business and immediately perform what she said. This method carries command and aggression, only develops conflict. First, the child subconsciously learns to satisfy only his desire and suppress the desires of others, which he will perform for the rest of his life. Secondly, we have a secret malice of the child, the relationship between him and the parent is increasingly moving away and deteriorating. If you apply this method to a girl from childhood, she will either grow up aggressive and rough, or, conversely, too passive.
Another non-constructive method is the child's gain. If you give him a constant win in conflicts and give in to him for the sake of "his own good", then the "child" develops selfishness, inability to organize oneself, to solve conflicts in other situations, outside the family. We see that in each of the non-constructive methods of solving the conflict, the child accumulates certain negative features and improperly shapes his character, and in the future he will also solve conflicts wrongly.
The correct method will be a mutual compromise, a win both. In this case, psychological methods of active listening, "I-messages" and also empathy are used, such as compassion, understanding another person and putting himself in his place. In case of conflict, listen to the desire of the other, take it into account in resolving the conflict, guided by the fact that both desires are met. In order to resolve the conflict with the help of a compromise, it is first necessary to assess objectively the situation by both sides. Then, with the help of empathy, to guess the desires of both parties, which decision would be better suited to each. The third step will be to compare both desires and derive several solutions to the problem - the more, the better. After this, each of the parties chooses an acceptable method of conflict resolution.
In this case, both the parent and the child remain in the win, the conflict is resolved, also, each of the individuals learn to solve conflicts outside the family.
But there are other causes of conflict in the family. For example, a misunderstanding of the other, excessive importunity, high demands on one side or the other, violation of the child's personal space, the fear that the interests of one of the parties are violated or the possibility of satisfying one of the desires is blocked. Just conflicts arise from the simple inability to communicate, the excessive temper of one of the individuals, the inability to express one's desire and explain it to another.
Being in the position of the listener - do not interrupt the other, focus on it your attention, do not give assessments to the child, do not criticize him during the conversation, like his decisions. Do not give advice, be tolerant. You can apply various directive psychological techniques in order to let the child understand that you are actively listening to it. For this, involve non-verbal communication, gestures and facial expressions. If the listener is you, then do not blame the child, speak calmly, not on elevated tones, explain in detail your position and desires, taking into account also the desire of the child. Show him that you understand him, and do not be defensive, but do not press him.
So, the advice of a psychologist: how to avoid conflict between parents and children what they are? The psychologist advises not to spill the experience and negative state of the family members. If you are not in the spirit, try to deal with your problems on your own, not at the expense of your child or parent, by producing conflict situations in this way. If you are a parent, be careful not to humiliate a child, discriminate against him, not understand and injure him with a word. Insults in such cases will not only lead to conflict, but also significantly spoil your relationship.
In any case, accept your child as he is, let him know that you want only the best for him, and also, love him, accept his desires and position, learn to communicate, so you will learn together not only to decide , but also avoid conflicts.