We are talking about family scenarios, life scenarios - parental scenarios, which are familiar to those reading the works of the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Bern. "The scenario of life - the parent scenario" - is an unconscious plan of life, which the person in the main features creates for himself in childhood under the influence of parents, important people and events for him. More "scenario" "prescribed" by the age of 18, and ... it is fulfilled all life, provided that a person does not want to understand it and make meaningful changes. "Scenario matrix", with which the script is created, contains messages from parents about how to live, how to behave in certain situations, what are the prohibitions and permissions, what behavior patterns, norms, morals, feelings, etc. are acceptable and "Wrong and forbidden," and, of course, information about how parents behave, what they do, what they say, and what they keep silent about, hide. Here you can recall and family secrets, which are silent, but which are felt in the field of the family. It turns out that we can inherit not only certain models, patterns (patterns) of behavior in those or other situations, but also "move reality" so that it is in such stories and fall.
Family tradition , like some aspects of the "scenario of life - the parent scenario," is different in that the true reasons for its appearance have gone to the background a long time ago, often more than one generation ago, and the set of actions has remained, although from the outside it may seem completely meaningless. Natalia Kravchenko told me a parable, which describes quite precisely where and why the scripts appear. A man once noticed that his wife never fried the whole chicken, but always cut it into pieces. He asked why she did it, and received the answer: "This is how my mother always prepared." He went to the mother-in-law, asked her the same question, and received an answer: "This recipe came from my mother." The restless young man got to his grandmother, and she told him: "Yes, I really always cook chicken just like that. But this is only because in my youth I had a very small stove, and the whole chicken on it simply would not fit. " Everyone has their own ways of making chicken. Only we, unlike parents and grandmothers with grandfathers, have a choice: cook as taught from childhood, or try another recipe, because we have a bigger plate! However, we do not always notice this choice from our picture of the world.
The simplest and straightforward embodiment of the scenario of life - the parent scenario - is the repetition of the "line of life" of the parents, and the girls repeat the fate of the mother, and the boys - the father or other significant adults, if the family was incomplete or the parents were present in the life of the child episodically. But most often parental models of behavior in the new conditions are refracted in an original way. Say, a mother, wishing her daughter a successful marriage, inspires her that family happiness depends on the woman to the extent that she is wiser and able to gradually control a man, and a strong sex is just boys who are not intelligent. The girl grows up, gets a good education, makes a scientific career - and it turns out that she simply can not find a worthy companion of life, because according to a mother-planted installation, a priori considers males to be more stupid than herself, tries to point male colleagues and acquaintances at every opportunity his own intellectual superiority, and he tries to manipulate his fans with varying success. She will have to learn by her own or with the help of a psychologist a different behavior more appropriate for a modern society departing from the patriarchal model of the family, from which "secret female wisdom" comes (when the power in society belongs to men, the woman tries to gradually take her at least within the narrow framework of the home hearth).
Children are much better at remembering what their parents are doing than what they are saying. And mom and dad often contradict themselves or each other, causing in children almost schizophrenic duality. For example, a mother inspires her daughter that a woman in order to take place must marry and have children, and she herself refers to her alcoholic husband, to put it mildly, without respect. Most likely, the daughter in her sincere desire to fulfill the instruction of the mother will choose men who are similar to her father, and likewise build relationships with them that will fall apart each time. The situation will certainly repeat more than once and not twice, leading the woman to the logical, as it seems to her, conclusion about the worthlessness of the whole male sex. By the way, many lesbians have a similar scenario of life - the parent scenario determined what they chose as partners of women, disenchanted with men.
Another typical reaction to the scenario of life is the parent scenario - an attempt to turn it around, to do the opposite, not as taught: to meet with men who do not resemble their father, to get a profession from which parents are horrified ... But the antis scenario, as he wrote Bern, is the same scenario, just with a different sign. Neither one nor the other will make us happy, because both the script and the antis scenario do not take into account our own desires, unique, not similar to parental, often even contradicting them.
Although the antis scenario is a normal stage in the construction of one's own (and not the parental) plane of life. Usually anti-sexual behavior is observed in adolescents.
The fact that this or that model of behavior does not belong to us can be noticed by the inconvenience that a recurring story inflicts on us (as if you were wearing a coat from someone else's shoulder and it is pressing you), or already on really serious problems, sometimes on a somatic level. Sadly, most often, only such troubles make us look at our life at an unusual angle and see the same repetitive situations or similar people who "visit" us time after time. However, attentive attitude to events and observation such repetitions help to track down. And to understand that if history repeats itself, then something is wrong in it, and it is necessary to realize what it is, and to correct it, if necessary, with the help of a specialist. After all, our life is too short to afford the luxury of wasting time on the same mistakes.