Where does the roots grow from?
The first about the influence of the order of the child's appearance in the family on the formation of his personality began to speak Francis Galton, the English anthropologist, back in the late XIX century. At the beginning of the 20th century, Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychologist, formulated the theory of "ordinal positions", stating that the nature of birth is determined in the order of birth and the presence or absence of brothers and sisters (in the language of psychology - siblings). In the 1970s, Dutch psychologists Lillian Belmont and Francis Marolla advanced another theory: the greater the child's older siblings, the lower his intellectual ability (they say, parents pay less attention to everyone). However, practicing psychologists the dependence of the order of birth and the level of IQ did not confirm.
Senior: "monarch without a throne"
"And I was the first born!" - says my elder, Andrew, with undisguised pride. On this basis he considers himself always right and teaches his brothers at every step. You can rely on him, but sometimes he overstrains the stick. Yes, there, he sometimes points to some educational mistakes. He himself does not accept criticism. Quite typical behavior for the first-born, who also knew the power of parental love (after all, he was an only child for a while), and the burden of their mistakes, anxieties, uncertainties. "On the older child, young mothers and fathers will test educational systems (copied from their parents or their own), expecting maximum returns and results. Figuratively speaking, the first-born is like a "blotter", which is first applied to a blob and which absorbs most of the ink, "notes Elena Voznesenskaya, Ph.D., a senior researcher at the Institute of Social and Political Psychology of the National Academy of Sciences of Ukraine. - But the older one has a "rival" (brother or sister), and he feels thrown off the throne, he dreams of regaining parental love, becoming the best (hence the roots of the perfectionist typical for the first-born). Parents often unconsciously strengthen this tendency, saying: "You are the elder, give in, be an example!" In addition, the father-mother is hung on the elder part of the responsibility for caring for the baby: feed, read fairy tales, take away from the kindergarten, etc. Here not to adopt parental functions? Advantages of the elders include ambition, conscientiousness, perseverance in achieving the goal: both in the traditional and in something new (the first-borns often become the continuers of the family business). They achieve social success, high status: according to statistics, half of US presidents are first-borns.
There are also shortcomings: conservatism, authoritarianism, intolerance to mistakes (both one's own and others), heightened sensitivity and anxiety: the load of expectations does not allow you to relax and just enjoy life. And with the throne! The right of first-time (throne, property) to the eldest son is known since ancient times. Perhaps this tradition was associated not only with anthropological reasons ("shortage" of men, short life - it is important to "transfer"), but also with the psychological characteristics of the first-born (reliable, able to manage)? "Partly yes. The elder from early childhood, faced with the need to control themselves and others, so hand in his hands the reins of government - a reasonable move. In addition, the first-borns, as a rule, honor family values, "- says Natalia Isaeva, a psychotherapist, employee of the Institute of Consultative Psychology and Psychotherapy. The famous seniors: Winston Churchill, Boris Yeltsin, Adolf Hitler.
Medium: terra incognita
"Serednyachok" does not look like brothers even externally. He is calm, diplomatic and sensitive, always doubting (what do you want me?). This "duality," however, strangely attracts to him: he is considered "very nice" by him a bunch of friends. Alfred Adler (being, incidentally, the second child in the family) said that "average" is difficult to describe, because it can combine the features of the older and younger. That's why it is difficult for him to self-determination - there are no clear guidelines. Being under pressure from both sides (it is important to catch up with the elder and not allow to overtake himself to the youngest), he fights for his place in the sun and must "jump high" to be noticed. However, this situation gives bonuses: the development of socialization skills, diplomacy and the formation of the position of a peacemaker, attractive to others. Medium, communicating simultaneously with different social groups (adults and children), immediately goes to the most "right" level - "Adult", on which, unlike "Parent" or "Child" can easily agree. "Pros" of the middle - a calm character, the formation of which contributes to the absence of excessive parental pressure (excessive expectations, hyperopeak), as well as high communication skills (the ability to listen, convince, negotiate). Among the "minuses" is the lack of leadership qualities combined with the desire to compete (sometimes, without evaluating objectively their capabilities, the child puts unreasonably high goals, and the probability of failure increases). The desire to please everyone, too, can play a cruel joke - refusing to take unpopular decisions, the "average" sometimes hurts himself. Deprived of the rights of the elder and the privileges of the younger, he feels more sharply "the injustice of life." The golden mean
Our experts categorically did not support the classical theory that the position of the middle is the most loser. A child's position can only be made by parents who have not worked their own childhood traumas, which repeat the "jammed" scenario once. Lacking love in childhood, now they give her "portioned", that's the child and have to fight. In my psychotherapeutic practice, such did not even occur. Probably, they are the most healthy: they just live and are happy. Famous averages: Mikhail Gorbachev, Vladimir Lenin, Gustave Flaubert.
Junior: Pet and Sly
He is forgiven all - for a penetrating look (like a cat from "Shrek") and tenderness, for which - he does not stint. Although he is not a child, he always comes out of the water. Arseny is five and, it seems, he will never grow up (his brothers at this age were already definitely "big"). So being small is profitable? It's hard for me to answer his question: "Mom, why was I born last? .." The younger was lucky: he did not experience the shock of "depriving the throne" and has parents "with experience", inclined less to teach and bestow unconditional love ("education through one big heart ", according to Olga Alekhina). He is always surrounded by attention (parents and older children). And in this trick! Those who are more mature, unconsciously seek to delay his becoming ("let him be a toddler"): giving fewer assignments, condescending to misses, doing for him what he has long been able to do himself. Therefore, the need for something to achieve the younger is not enough, and self-esteem is often understated - comparing yourself with the elders, the child always loses. "He runs slower, something does not know how to do, he worn out the clothes of his brothers and suspects (like the Kid, Carlson's friend) that this will spread to more global things," notes Elena Voznesenskaya. However, such a position involves opposing oneself to older siblings, jealousy and ... cunning. The younger always has the experience of fighting (often behind the scenes) for his place in the family. And in general his school of life is quite severe. Positive features of the younger: carelessness, optimism, ease of communication. As a rule, these are extroverts, which draw energy from communication with people and are not afraid to take risks. Of these, artists and scientists who "turned the world" by their discoveries and revolutionaries usually grow up (according to the researches of the American historian Frank Salloway, who studied the biographies of seven thousand historical and scientific figures). Negative: a weakened sense of independence, leading to a violation of the boundaries of the personal space of other people, as well as difficulties with self-discipline and making their own decisions, so their career achievements often "limp". This is facilitated by the conviction of the younger ones that they "must help".
Is it a fool?
Why in fairy tales does the youngest get this unflattering label? Firstly, as Natalya Isaeva points out, before the seventeenth century, all the younger children in the family were called fools (which meant increased naivete and childishness), and Peter the Great gave a negative connotation to this word (a synonym for stupidity). In the epic, the fool symbolizes the original meaning - childish simplicity, truthfulness and openness. Secondly, with each successive child, the level of expectations of parents decreases. "And if you do not" fascinate ", then there is no disappointment - even the most modest success of the younger will be" the norm ", - says Olga Alekhina. In such circumstances, the "kid" has to be more inventive and seek his own, different from others, the path to success and maturation. Perform a feat, for example. Those tests that Ivan the Fool is going through are a kind of initiation, after which they take him into the world of "big ones". The lesson is this: even relying on "childish qualities" and remaining yourself, you can succeed. The famous juniors: the biblical prodigal son, Elizabeth Taylor, Bernard Shaw. The order of birth is not a "fateful seal" that determines fate. But there is a grain of truth in this: children, according to the French analyst Françoise Dolto, have ... not the same parents at all. Mom in 20 years and in mum at 35 - vary: the first only knows the basics of motherhood, the second - the wise. This leaves an imprint on many aspects of the educational process. Other factors are important: the atmosphere in the family, the material situation, the distribution of functions between parents, the attitude towards children ... If the context of the family situation is supplemented by the natural inclinations of each child, we obtain a certain "how many people, so many fates." It does not matter what you count, the main thing is to feel yourself in your place. I asked each of the sons: "Do you like being older (middle, younger)?" The firstborn replied: "Of course! What is the most pleasant thing? Power! "Serednyachok noted that he is" special "(there are few average children at all), besides, he always has partners in games. And the kid asked his crown: "Mom, why was I the last born?" Then he thought and said: "I like it. I'm the youngest! "