One of them usually lives with his parents, almost without feeling the difference between the two parts of his life: before and after marriage. Another, who came to a new family for him, suffers quite a lot of inconvenience, as well as psychological discomfort.
It's no accident that conflicts in such situations usually arise between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, the son-in-law and father-in-law. However, you do not need to go much ahead, let's try to figure out what the main advantages and disadvantages of living together with parents are, what are the most popular causes of conflicts, what to do in order to overcome them, and how to live together with parents. This article will be useful not only for the newlyweds, but also for their parents who want to make the life of their children as enjoyable and simple as possible.
The main advantages and disadvantages of cohabitation with parents.
However strange it might sound, practice says that some peculiarities of living with parents can be both a positive and a negative factor in the development of interpersonal relations. Let's now consider the main points, as well as the reasoned arguments in their favor and against them.
- Living with their parents, the young couple partly or completely live on their material and financial security. Parents of one of the spouses, out of habit, continue to support their daughter (or son). Newlyweds do not need to spend money on renting a separate apartment, decorating the situation, buying household appliances. This gives a unique opportunity to collect more money for an apartment, a vacation, and other entertainment. But such a situation will simply lead to the very real dependency of the just-formed couple, their absolute lack of autonomy in various aspects of planning their family budget.
- The common life of two separate families can fully guarantee mutual assistance and mutual assistance in many problematic situations and controversial issues , which include the education of children, housekeeping, solving household problems. Of course, many people will not refuse to share their problems with someone. Sensitiveness, benevolence, to other people's concerns will only strengthen the relationship of both families. However, it is not for nothing that the familiar phrase "two different housewives in one kitchen will never get along together" is not for nothing. The daughter-in-law can not like at all, as her mother-in-law is nursing with her beloved child, her father-in-law is not satisfied with a TV that has been renovated by her son-in-law - and the sense of mutual aid is not foreseen!
- Parents, as already adults and experienced people can help the newlyweds with wise and effective advice, promptly prompt and successfully send them to the right "channel". It's just fine when a young couple really needs a good advice from their parents and when he is presented in a benevolent and not at all categorical form. A completely different reaction can be caused by a recommendation, which was given in an orderly tone. From a lot of advice that turned into intrusive instructions, when, what and how to do, the young couple prefers to simply refuse, and most likely - just ignore them and do it their own way.
- A good example of warm and almost ideal parental relationships can become useful and necessary for young spouses. It's clear, only if the parents have a strong and amicable marriage, which is based on mutual respect and mutual understanding. Without end, the conflicting parents, whose marriage is bursting at the seams, will be able to impose an unpleasant imprint on the newly emerging relationships in the young family.
- Parental care and care. Some parents who are used to taking care of their dear child are taken out of habit under the wing and his soul mate. Excessive care at first can even please adult children, but over time they will increasingly oppress them. In addition, a similar approach will inevitably develop infantilism among young spouses, as well as inability to make independent decisions and a complete lack of one's own opinion.
- Unobtrusive communication with parents during holidays and during rest will bring pleasant satisfaction under condition of unity of interests, availability of relevant and interesting topics for both sides. The inability to establish communication, the gap in communication will create only new additional problems and further exacerbate the situation.
The main reasons for the emergence of conflicts.
Young couple live with their parents is quite difficult, so inevitably there will be various conflicts, which will have to be decided together. The reasons for the formation of conflicts with parents can be very different. However, as a rule, they are united in most cases only by the appearance of a "stranger" or a new member of the family in the house. Now we will consider the main of these reasons, so to speak, global.
- Subjective dislike , or "I did not want such a husband for my beloved daughter!" Negative or hostile attitudes toward the son-in-law or daughter-in-law that developed before the wedding is one of the main reasons for the emergence of conflicts between parents and children. It can be defined by any motives and have a different level of manifestation: from concealed to hostile. Of course, a young married couple in this case will feel psychological oppression, a chronic emotional tension. Improve contact in this situation is difficult, and sometimes just impossible.
- Household troubles , or "When will she finally release the bathroom?" It is clear that when a new member of the family arises, there will be some discomfort in everyday life. It is very likely that parents will need to make some sacrifices and give up certain habits that were before. The most primitive example: the father-in-law will no longer have the opportunity to sit for an hour or two in the toilet with a newspaper in hand, for the reason that the son-in-law at this time goes to work, and he, too, is desirable to visit the "cherished" place. It is clear that such "harassment" in any case will irritate family members, and this is understandable.
- Significant difference in age , or "Here will live to my age , then you will see." Immortal question of fathers and children, when representatives of different generations simply can not find a common language. And even the opinion of their beloved child has already learned to somehow understand, accept and listen, then a new member of the family will be especially difficult, especially at first.
- Divergences in views , or "But our family will never do so." Usually, a similar problem is formed if the families of young people have different cultural and intellectual levels, are representatives of different nationalities, adherents of different religions, rely on different life priorities. Overnight, it is simply impossible to raise an "outsider" "for oneself", and in most cases it is simply impossible.
- A tangible difference in the material and financial prosperity of families , or "Why should we pay for everything?" The story of a kind and industrious Cinderella is appropriate only for a fairy tale. When such a situation happens in real life, absolutely all its participants have a very hard time. Usually, a young family settles with parents who are better off financially. And later, the latter quite naturally arise small grievances and discontent about the fact that they should take care of children, constantly help, and put them on their feet.
How can you live peacefully with your parents?
- Try to talk more with each other.
- Begin discussion of problems as they arise.
- Try together to find a way out of this or that situation.
- Always respect and consider each other's opinions.
- Children are obliged to respect the experience and wisdom of their parents, and their parents, in turn, must fully realize that young people can already make most decisions on their own.
- Try to change the form of address to your new relatives: instead of "mother-in-law" - say your mother, instead of "daughter-in-law" - it's better to tell your daughter, etc.
- Never raise your voice at each other.
- Try to be extremely polite, attentive, periodically worry about health and mood of each other, always sincerely rejoice in successes and respectfully empathize with failures.
- Do not forget about unobtrusive advice and mutual help.
- Do not let the negative energy accumulate.
- Moderate your temperament, or too much ambition, because - whether you like it or not - now you are relatives.
Is it better for a young couple to live with their parents, or still find a separate place?
And yet, what is the correct answer to this question? Of course, everything depends entirely on the personal characteristics of the relationship in each individual family. And if, after reading this article carefully, you realized that there will be more positive causes of coexistence with your parents, then it is likely that living with them under one roof will be quite pleasant and comfortable for you. However, most family psychologists claim that it is best to seek an independent and independent life. The earlier a young and not yet experienced family embarks on free and easy swimming, the easier it will be in the future to find a job in this difficult life. This will guarantee moral comfort, greater self-confidence, significantly increase self-esteem. Yes, and remember that parents all the time will not be able to help you, and later, on the contrary, you already have to take care of them.