Do we often think about what praise is? Unfortunately, not very much. And in vain, because praise is one of the most important tools for educating and forming in our children the right - adequate - representation about the surrounding world and itself. But every parent (or almost everyone) wants his children to grow up smart and strong morally and physically. And most importantly, that they become happy. And all this can be achieved by ably using the simple rules of raising children for parents, concerning praise in the process of communication.
Praise is an art, but everyone can master it. To do this, you just need to learn a few simple truths and remember them every time you are going to scold or praise your offspring. It is very important to choose the right place and time for praise, to dose it according to the circumstances, to think about what words we set forth the feelings that flooded us. Praise can encourage and offend a person, calm and pamper. But let's get everything in order.
1. Coverage should sound sincere
This, unfortunately, does not always work. The head understands that you seem to have to approve, cheer, and do not feel the heart: for what? For example, we, the adults, remember the very first steps in this life badly. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for parents to imagine how much effort the baby makes while learning to do elementary things: turn over from the back to the tummy, sit down, hold the toy, and then spoon, stand on the legs, etc. Meanwhile, each skill acquired should be praised. After all, the kid worked, and how! Especially when you consider that absolutely healthy kids are not born that much now. And if the child's muscles are not in a tonus, there are manifestations of rickets or other infants complications, each new movement is given by applying literally titanic efforts. And requires the approval of adults. And the smaller the child, the thinner, the sharper it feels falseness in our words, in the voice. Therefore, watching your crumb, try to reincarnate in it, to poke through, how all muscles strain, practicing a new technique. And then affectionate sincere words will not keep you waiting. It is much more difficult to be sincere parents of children who began to learn to read-write-count. Sometimes it seems that your offspring is an impassable dunce and mediocrity. I want to forget about all the rules of education and yell at him or even let go of the back, but you can not! In the learning process, you can only praise, and praise again, sincerely. Otherwise, the desire for knowledge will disappear forever. Here's the way out: try to take lessons with your young schoolboy, being exceptionally in good spirits. It is very difficult for parents, but you can try. Pleasure yourself with something before classes: go to the store and buy yourself a new lipstick, watch your favorite movie, finally, eat something delicious. An even, calm mood is the guarantee of your objectivity. It will be easier for you to see the grain among the tares, to see that very flat letter among the awful scribbles, for which you should praise, hear the word you read without errors. And if you have a black band in your personal or professional sphere, try to find a person who will replace you during classes with the child.
2. Praise should be and only in the case
It would seem that this is elementary, achieved something, accomplished something - get a portion of praise. However, everything is not so simple. Each of us is given a different number of abilities in this or that field of activity. If a child is talented in something, praising him should be very cautious, since the achievement, "gotten" to him as easily and naturally as a breath, is half the achievement. An over-excited genius can unintentionally become conceited, and afterwards it will be painful for him and it is difficult to descend from heaven to earth. However, and to bypass the silence, the successes sent down from heaven are also not worth it. Let's say your child is an artist by nature? Excellent! But, while praising his next masterpiece, gently let know that not everything depends on talent, something you just need to learn, for example, accuracy, some laws of painting, etc. Often go with him to museums and offer study guides, so that a little person realizes that there are masters who significantly surpass him in this art form.
3. Praise-comparison is a very dangerous tool
Use it only in extreme situations, while trying to balance the merits of children compared. If you have several children and the elder often tries to fuss over the fact that the younger ones get everything badly and slowly, try to remind him more often that everything
the same thing happened to him at their age. And besides, try to praise the younger ones for their small achievements in front of the elder, so that he will be imbued with your attitude and respect for their successes. After all, children often copy the behavior of parents and unconsciously seek to imitate them. And the senior one should be praised in front of the kids, so that they want to repeat his successes in the future.
In the event that you, your child or teachers begin to compare several children of the same age, think over every word. Is your child overwhelmed with pride because he received the best grade in the class for independent work? Be sure to tell him that you are very happy for him. Tell me sincerely. Yes, he is assiduous, attentive, quickly grasps, and you are proud of him. But then remind me how you spent the evening with the textbooks together with him. Suppose: maybe the other guys had their parents busy and could not help them how to prepare properly? Hence, its success is to some extent yours.
If the child's success is his own achievement and he, in general, reasonably tries to extol himself over peers, after praise try to remind him that other guys have other virtues that he does not have. Let's say your won in the regional olympiad in mathematics. This is an occasion for parents to arrange a small family holiday. But there is no excuse to tease Petrov for the fact that the mathematician always has triplets and deuces. After all, Petrova was accepted into a prestigious football team, and your child is indifferent to sports, to put it mildly.
And, on the contrary, if your child goes forever in tears and lamentations about something that lags behind his surroundings, try to find (together, of course) some area of activity where his successes will be higher than those of other children. For example, a hobby, which is often told to friends. Finally, try regularly to praise the child for his work, for trying to get closer to the results of more talented classmates or friends. Explain that all abilities are different, but people who are mediocre simply do not exist. If necessary, go to kindergarten, to school and try to discuss all this with the teachers. Praise-comparison requires balance!
4. Do not overlooked!
Of course, all of us, at least, very many, are sure that our child is the best. But someone conceals this thought in the depths of his soul, but tries to be objective on the surface, and someone demands recognition of the superiority of his child from everyone. And praise the child in every way in his presence before others, ignoring all the rules of education. This approach is fraught with two dangers. The first is to devalue the praise. A small man, and especially a teenager, who is accustomed to constantly hear rave reviews in his address, will get used to them so much that he ceases to be considered a reward. In this case, at some point you will find that you can no longer use praise as an incentive to continue efforts in some direction. And at your disposal there will be only a material incentive, and this is not always justified and useful.
The second danger is more terrible. It's no secret that some people fall into psychological dependence on praise, as a drug. And when life turns its course in such a way that mom and dad can not be constantly near, and others will not endlessly admire this person, it will be very, very hard. And this kind of stress is far from being possible for everyone to survive without special moral losses. True, in a morbid dependence on praise often fall and people of a completely different category, so move on to the fifth commandment.
5. Unhappy children is as dangerous as praising!
Particular attention should be given in this sense to children, timid and shy by nature, and also to those who have already begun, for some reason, to form an inferiority complex.
It so happened that the vast majority of people in one way or another are dependent on the opinions of others. And for the child, the approval or censure of the parents is the measure of their love for their offspring. And we often forget about it. For example, a rather timid, but capable or even talented child needs a greater portion of verbal approval from the mother and father than the child of average abilities, but quite sociable, self-assured. And parents look at this sometimes from a different angle: there are no problems with the child, and well. She studies normally, behaves decently, means she copes and corresponds to the "norm", which is another reason to pester him with "veal tenderness"? For some children this policy of parents is perceived as punishment. Do not praise, then I'm not good enough, I did not try very hard. They climb out of their skin, just to get approval. And they feel moral comfort only in those rare moments when the parents, at last, express their approval.
Unappreciated, shy, but capable children - this is the second category of people who most often fall into dependence on praise. Growing up, such people often represent a sad spectacle: all of their actions are aimed at "kicking", by any means to achieve praise and admiration from others. Because otherwise life will seem gray and ruined, under the motto: "Nobody loves me!" And to those who are constantly taking pictures with them, at some point bored to endlessly praise and listen to what "feat" this " man, and they just stop talking ...
6. Think what to say and to whom.
Or, as teenagers sometimes say: "Filter the bazaar!" None of us will ever think of telling a one-year-old child something like: "I got a huge moral and aesthetic pleasure, watching the way you paint!" But moms and dads quite often allow themselves in relation to the already grown-up children of the phrase: "Umnichka!", "Molodchinka!", "Ah, you are my good!", "Excellent, baby!" And the child receives negative instead of positive emotions. He simply does not hear approvals in these words, only one thing is clear to him: his parents still consider him small! Well, then do not be offended. In order to properly build your dialogue with an adult child, try to communicate with him more and listen to the words that he uses. Let them sometimes throw you, but this is the slang that the child understands, not only with his head, but also with his heart. If you do not hope for your memory, write down your conversations with the child a couple of times on a tape recorder (tape recorder), and then listen in a relaxed atmosphere. There is nothing horrible about the fact that one day you instead of the attendant: "You are my youngster!" You will give something like: "Klevo!", "Just Otpad!" (Or, how do you prefer to express it?) Adolescents always appreciate the desire of parents to understand their aspirations and interests.
Well, if you are not capable of this, remember the phrase that everyone understands - from 0 to 99 years: "I'm proud of you!" Only say it sincerely, with feeling. Make a little effort on yourself and soon you will feel how great it is to talk with your child in one language! In addition to the rules of raising children, parents need to remember about a simple understanding with the child and about sincere, unburdened love.