1. Complete unfinished projects and relationships
In psychology, the effect of incompleteness of action, named for the name of the Soviet psychologist Blumy Zeigarnik, is known. She experimentally proved that a person who for some reason did not manage to finish what he has started up to, experiences strong negative emotions, and, most importantly, "gets stuck" on this unfinished action, keeps returning to his thoughts all the time. "15 years ago I had an affair with the man of my dreams," recalls one of the ZhZh journalists. "Although we were in love without a memory, he arranged scandals, then scenes of jealousy, for no apparent reason, then he said that we were not created for each other ... Finally I could not stand it and I parted with it, although it was very difficult. And all these years I remembered our novel with perplexity, bitterness, vexation, resentment. But one day she turned on the TV - and saw on the screen of Him as a guest a talk show on the topic of family relations. He talked about how much he experienced the separation from his wife, and how against this background he did not have relations with women. Listening to him, as spellbound, I realized that it was just about the period when we were together. And finally, I understood what was happening, got rid of the resentment and feeling of vague guilt, "let go" our relationship - and now I almost do not remember about it, but if I remember it, then with a warm feeling. "
Similarly, during the depression of the crisis at the age of 40 years, the woman is troubled by many connections, deeds and projects: the English language course started and thrown halfway, the undressed dress, dusting on the sewing machine, the unfinished project of the reorganization of the department. They must be completed - or by strong-willed effort to give up intentions. "First, make a list of unfinished actions," advises our permanent expert, psychotherapist Alexander Bondarenko. - Now write on a separate sheet all the unpromising, irrelevant cases and projects - and burn it, thereby putting a symbolic point. "
2. Reject unnecessary contacts
A friend calls every month and offers to meet, chat about husbands and work. And we refuse, explaining that there is no time, no mood, we feel bad. This means that in fact we no longer wish to maintain a relationship, we simply do not dare to say about this to a friend, or maybe ourselves. In the modern world, a person has many acquaintances and contacts, and we also increase their number, trying to fill the lack of love and attention, but we get (and give) even less love and attention to everyone with whom we communicate. It is necessary to be able to refuse unnecessary contacts. Rewrite your notebook every year and do not enter into new names those people with whom you do not intend to continue communication. In theory, the interlocutors should guess that you do not want to meet again, when each time you hear the answer: "I'm sorry, I do not have time." But if a friend persistently calls, it is better, of course, to tell her the truth - in the most tactful form.
3. Review important relationships
Communicating with people important to us, we often endow them with hypertrophied significance, which makes it difficult to establish relations with them. Here is a typical example. Often, women, falling in love with the ears, long and stubbornly seduce the object. And although they achieve their goal, the man quickly completes the novel, leaving the partner in tears and bewilderment. If instead of feverish perseverance she showed restrained sympathy, then it is not known how things would turn out. But the passionate perseverance of men is simply frightening.
In addition, we are doing stupid things, trying to achieve a very desirable goal - we are also afraid to go to a conflict, find out the relationship when it comes to really important people for us. Because of this fear, incomprehensions and mutual discontent accumulate. A good way to "cleanse" the relationship, which is clogged up like a sink, is to call a person to a "wellness" conversation. Or write him a letter, even if he lives in the same apartment with you. While he reads the message, he will not be tempted to immediately begin to refute all the accusations and excuse himself, there will be time to think about suggestions and comments ... A letter is a work on mistakes, useful to you and your addressee.
4. Get rid of feelings of guilt
"If you loved me, you would buy me this machine!"; "If you loved me, you would wake up early and cook me breakfast!"; "If you loved me, you would call me every day!" These phrases are just one of the many manipulations with which those around us form a sense of guilt. It is used as a lever of influence to achieve from us the necessary behavior. Manipulation of feelings of guilt arises as a child: parents shame us for having failed or disgraced our neighbors, teachers - because we do not try hard enough at school, society as a whole requires certain behavior from us. Wine can be constructive when it does not allow us to do (or repeat) really bad deeds, but very often it only replaces the action, acquiring neurotic forms of depression of the crisis of the age of 40 years in a woman. Women suffer this more often - a recent study by Spanish psychologists showed that in men the feeling of guilt is generally blunted compared to the ladies. It is especially pronounced in women aged 40 to 50 years: they can consider themselves guilty of everything that happens to them and their loved ones. Serving a sentence for imaginary guilt is a neurotic habit that you should get rid of if you want to gain self-confidence someday. Feeling guilty will not help you. It will only make you a prisoner of the past and deprive you of the opportunity to take any positive action in the present. Leaving a sense of guilt, you elude responsibility for your life today.
You can get rid of neurotic guilt by reviewing your life values and realizing what kind of people - relationships and deeds are really important for you, what concessions and sacrifices you are willing to make for other people, and which ones you commit only because you are not able to resist manipulation. Allow yourself to do what you want - it does not destroy either your life or the life of your loved ones. Even the sense of guilt is no longer destructive if you learn to recognize it. The young woman called the studio and, worried, told him that she had to work a lot, although she had a small son before whom she felt guilty. Another less intelligent therapist might have read a whole lecture about the destructiveness of this feeling, and dreamily said: You know, when I was young my mother worked too, so on Sundays, to make amends for me, she took me to the movies and I bought as much ice cream as I wanted. It was so nice!
5. Withdraw yourself from hyperactivity
Do not be greedy, let the boy ride a bicycle; we must live together, give in to my sister. Since childhood we have been learning to take into account the interests of others - it helps to build relationships and feel respect from others. Problems begin when the motto "Think about others, not about yourself" becomes the semantic dominant of our life.
Refusing our desires, giving partners and relatives more than we receive, we act not out of love, but under the yoke of unconscious fear of being rejected. Very often it happens that the periods of hyperactivity and hyper-care are followed by periods of acute pity for oneself and a feeling that the victim was in vain: "My father and I spent so much energy on him, and you could not even enter the institute!"; "I brought you to the people, made you a man, gave up your career, and you start making mistresses!"
Another harmful phrase that we are told since childhood and which forms hyperactivity: "You can do better!" A person who has mastered this requirement of adults in childhood, sees life in black and white: all or nothing, a brilliant victory or complete defeat. In this case, there is a serious danger that, without achieving 100% success, he will refuse further efforts, fearing "to spoil everything."
To begin to rejoice again in their achievements, one must try to forget about the "objective evaluation". Check not with others, but with your own experience. Remember those moments when you feel satisfied ("I did it!"). Remember how you learned something (for example, ride a bicycle or speak English). By concentrating on these points, one can be healed of the uncertainty and hyperactivity and depression of a 40-year-old crisis in a woman.