The program can be put into the machine, which is a clean sheet. With a person this is impossible, because even babies have innate properties that distinguish them from other people: the structure of the psyche, health factors, traits. Canadian scientists have studied more than 100 pairs of identical twins and revealed a huge number of differences in 85%, although, it would seem, these children should look like each other like two drops of water. The well-known psychoanalyst Stanislav Grof believed that intrauterine life, childbirth and the first experience of "earthly" life lay the core of a person's personality: his ability to respond to difficulties, confidence in the world, optimism or pessimism. That is why modern humanitarian psychology believes that programming should be strictly individual. And the task of parents is first of all to understand the child, his interests and inclinations and only after that give an emotional orientation to success. Otherwise, the program may not "catch on" or even harm the child.
ERRORS IN THE SCENARIO
On a popular level, drawing analogies with fairy tales, the well-known psychologist Eric Berne told the world about parental programming. In his book "People who play games," he showed how a person's life scenario is formed. According to his observations, many blindly copy the life program of their ancestors or "built in" someone's script. The disadvantage of this way of life Bern believed that people experience internal discomfort. He saw salvation in psychoanalysis, which would help a person understand what he wants himself. Bern believed that most parents do not interfere with psychological counseling, because, being in the swamp of their own scenario, they will not allow to raise their child successfully and give him to become the creator of his life.
The second common mistake programming psychologists believe is the desire of parents to educate the child from the opposite: give him something that the parents did not have enough as a child, or do not do what is traumatized. If it is a question of rejecting such evil as beatings or alcoholism, then the decision is certainly correct. But when it comes to: "I did not learn English, and my life did not work out, so you must do it" or: "I was not allowed to go to the dances, and you will definitely be doing them", then this can lead to sad consequences. Psychologists say that negative experience teaches us how not to, but does not give an idea of how it should be done. As Mikhail Zhvanetsky once remarked: "... in general, my life, my son, was not successful, the only thing I have is life experience, and that's what I want to tell you ..." Therefore attempts to educate from the nasty enslave the child no less than any life scenarios.
The third problem of parental programming is a careless adherence to authorities. School requires - obey. Grandmother is afraid - do it. Studies show that 70-80% of successful people were unbearable rebels as a child. And school pets often vegetate in average positions and complain of depression. As in Petrosian's miniature: "The troika has an apartment and a car, an excellent worker has a bald head, glasses and a gold medal for graduation." And the point here is not that it is harmful to study. Just a child who has been deprived of his will, is deprived of independence and sharpness - in adult life, he has a hard time.
As you can see, the main mistakes of the parent programming are that the child is willingly or unwittingly trying to integrate into any system without regard for his interests. Through these barriers only true fighters make their way, and even then with losses in terms of self-esteem or health. Let's program children, then right.
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT LIKES
First of all, psychologists advise to understand the interests and inclinations of the child. And do it best with the help of a specialist, because the parents themselves in the shower already see the son or daughter as an athlete, lawyer, artist ... If your child has just gone to school or does preschool, it's too early to talk about how to raise in your child success. You can choose only the direction of the activity interesting to the child. What do you need to watch for sure?
- In what occupations is the child tireless? Usually even preschoolers show their inclinations quite clearly. You can notice such interests: decompose and sort; organize games; build constructions; act out ... Be careful: writing to artists of all drawing lovers is premature. Look at what exactly the child is depicting. Creativity is often just a way of splashing emotions.
"What will he not do for anything?" Do not relate the reluctance to read or play sports with laziness. Find an interesting book for your child, a suitable sport (there are children who are not capable of some kind of group or individual species, this is the norm).
The psychologist will help correctly interpret your observations, and also supplement them with the help of special techniques. Begin to develop in the child exactly what he is inclined to. Do not be afraid that he will grow lazy if he does not succeed in doing what he does not. It is difficult to become an expert in the "alien" field, why waste precious forces on it?
To develop a child's abilities is not to remove him from other activities. For example, a chess-capable boy still needs to go to school and engage in physical sports. Simply give the child the opportunity to choose and try to keep his enthusiasm morally and financially as much as possible: buy and read books together on a favorite topic, visit museums, go to sports matches. The "side effect" of such a targeted development will be your mutual understanding.
AVOID NEGATIVE INSTALLATIONS
Psychologists work a lot with their parents in order to teach them to follow their speech. Which of us did not break out in our hearts: "Why do not you understand anything?" Or "You can not do anything!" Polls show that 90% of people feel insecure about their abilities precisely because of such attitudes. Psychoanalysts say that most of the losers have their own "key phrase", which the parents put in the subconscious, and it presses on people when they need to make a decision.
Learn to "catch yourself" before a negative attitude has broken from the tongue, and ... tell the child what you think, calmly, with the help of "I'm a message": "I'm afraid you will not be able to do it, because I, too twice threw the section and so did not learn anything. " This form of "I think I'm afraid" is perceived as information about you, and not a program for the child - it's important. Limit the instructions with the "not" particle. Teach yourself instead of "not shawls" to say "behave yourself calmly." NLP specialists say that in 95% of cases, children do not hear "no" and do not perceive the program. In addition, the indication "what to do" is always clearer than "what not to do."
SPEAK WITH A CHILD IN ONE LANGUAGE
NLP and other areas of human knowledge argue that people have strong and weak channels of perceiving information. It is easier for someone to perceive the setting in the form of an oral logical argument. Someone prefers a bright emotional example. Other children gain knowledge only from personal sensory experience. Watch the child: do you speak with him in different languages? A classic example is such an anecdote: "Mom:" Son, come on, I believe in you! "Son:" Mom, believe in something that does not exist. " And I exist. "Mom operated with emotions, and the child with logic." She should have said: "You've prepared well for the competition, I'm sure you will win."
How does the child try to get anything from you? Caresses, convinces, affects emotions. Try to adopt his "language". Emotional child in colors paint how they will all be admired. Logic explain the causes and consequences of his behavior and answer the endless "why?" and "and if?". Give an active child "feel" the result of efforts, work with him. The solution to the "language problem" is the path to success.
SUBMIT EXAMPLE
Even if you found out that you and your child have diametrically opposed interests and different "languages", this does not mean that you can not raise your child successfully. The famous psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto wrote in her book "On the side of the child": "The best thing parents can do for a son or daughter is to show that they are very happy." So the personal success of parents and close people best gives the child the belief that success is possible. Please be happy!
HOW ARRIVED IN ANCIENT
One of the oldest programming languages was rites. All nations had special rituals dedicated to the birth of a child and his entry into puberty. Peoples who had to live in difficult conditions always separated the mother and the newborn child, while the mothers were forced to express colostrum. So the children were programmed to distrust the world and increased aggression. Similar customs are fixed in cannibal tribes, mountain Indians and barbarians. Some European and Oriental peoples had a tradition: lay out to the baby objects symbolizing different activities, and give him "choose." It is clear that the choice of crumbs was quite random, but after this ritual, parents began to think about how to cultivate a successful approach to life in their child. It began with a small age to program on the "chosen" path. The man accepted this unconditionally - the rite was part of the culture. The rites of initiation took place in different tribes in different ways. For example, many Indians drugged the young man with a drug. The hallucinations that they saw and retold the shaman gave an idea of their inner world. Shaman chose a young man's name based on such stories - this is a vivid example of an attempt to find each person a suitable place in society. Some African tribes sought unconsciousness in young men and women, causing them physical suffering. In this state they were given installations to rely on the will of the spirits (read - the shaman). So people were programmed to obedience.