The child sincerely looks into your eyes and ... lies. Mom in horror: how could this happen? Why in our family? Let's try to find a solution to the problem together. Let's first understand what the reason for this behavior. After all, lies are different - from innocent fantasies about flying to the moon before trying to hide bad marks or, worse still, to blame yourself on another. Well, and the second question: if the child suddenly began to lie - what to do? All this will be discussed below.
AT GUESTS AT THE FAIRY TALE.
The mouse ran, the tail waved, and my beloved father's cup fell and broke ... The other day the teacher asked if it was true that you promised to give your daughter for the birthday of a live penguin. And another neighbor heard her son say in the sandbox yesterday that the father had allowed him to drive his car ...
It is difficult for us, adults, to realize that preschool children are not always able to separate reality from fantasies and fairy tales. It seems so simple: here is life, but an invention. And now remember what you say to the kids when they ask: "Who put a Christmas tree gift under the tree?" Did not you happen to assure your son or daughter that if he (she) does not go to brush his teeth, the Queen of Toothbrush from the cartoon will be angry? Did not you say to the little stubborn that because of his behavior he can get into the country "Nechuchuhia"?
It is we - moms and dads, grandparents - first we help the offspring carefully twist the reality and fairy tale, and then we wonder why the kids do not draw a clear boundary between them. But after all, fairy-play techniques often help us explain complex things to the child, teach them something. So the children use the same techniques!
They do not lie, they play, fantasize and sincerely believe that by writing a beautiful fairy tale they will be able to change the reality in the desired way. Most often, children of 3-4 years of age behave like this, but even if this continues to 5-6, there is nothing criminal about the fact of writing. This is such a period of development: there is an awakening of the creative abilities of the child, he learns to generalize and analyze, compare, draw analogies.
How to behave? It is not by chance that the fairy tales, for all their detachment from reality, end with the words: "The fairy tale is a lie, but in it it is a hint." What a hint? What, in fact, is behind the fiction-lies?
1. Listen carefully to what our heir is writing. Sometimes the stories seem to us harmless or meaningless. For example, a child assures that he can fly. Do not convict him of "lies"! Just let me know: you are aware of the fact that the process of writing is in progress. Try to divorce reality and fantasy in different directions. Suggest, for example, come up with a new fairy tale, where you do not fly, real people, but fairy-tale characters.
2. Switch the attention of the little writer to the work. Did he convince his friends that he drove his father's car? Say: "I know that you want to drive a car. But after all, all drivers know the rules of the road. Let's begin to study them now. "
3. Fairy-tale stories that clearly exaggerate the reality, suggest that the child has internal problems, which he thus signals to adults. All the famous character Astrid Lindgren Kid came up with a friend of Carlson, because he felt lonely in the family. A fantasy of buying a wild beast, a leopard or a lion, may indicate that the baby would like to feel more confident in the society of peers.
4. Even if fairy stories are designed to cover offenses, do not rush to punish. The kid 3-4 years can honestly tell you about the mouse, wiped the tail on the floor with a cup, because at that moment I felt that very mouse. In this sense, the story about the mouse-shalunishka from the point of view of the child's perception is sincere and logical - it is important to understand the parents. Say: "Yes, things sometimes break through negligence, and not through malicious intent. Still, I'm sorry that my beloved father's cup is broken, "- show grief, but not fury. Involve the child to harvest fragments or repair things, if it is subject to recovery. Discuss how you should behave in order to avoid such things from now on.
5.But sometimes, the child intentionally tries to hide what was done. Beware of taking punitive measures (deprive sweet or walk), before you make sure that the destruction was made by the child, and not by another member of the family. There is nothing more dangerous than punishing the innocent. It is from unjust actions that the trust between parents and children begins to collapse. The child must believe in your ability to objectively assess the situation.
WEATHER IN THE HOUSE.
Fairy-tale age is behind, and your little liar does not stop. You got a call from the school and asked why the child is already third time traveling to the sick grandmother during the lessons. And both grandmothers are healthy! In response to questions, the son says that for the first time he accidentally sat on the wrong bus, which took him to another area, for the second and third time something else unforeseen happened ... Or you forbade your daughter to leave the house, and the neighbors saw her in the backyard. In short, the child tries to hide from you the violation of your agreements and your bad deeds.
According to experts, this behavior - if this is not an isolated case - is directly related to relations in the family. Here are the most common motives. The child knows that for a misdemeanor will receive at least a verbal cessation, and even be punished, and tries to avoid strict measures. The heir is afraid that he will not live up to his mother's and father's expectations. He is not sure of parental love, because he lies or hides the truth. Adolescents try to attract the attention of parents by lying behavior: they do not care whether it is positive or negative. So keenly they do not have enough heat from their relatives.
Your offspring does not know how to take responsibility for the deed. Emotionally, it does not correspond to its real age. The rules that exist in the family prevent the teenager from enlisting the authority of peers. Say, friends are not limited in pocket money, but you demand a report for every penny
How to behave? First, find the cause of the child's lies and eliminate it.
1. Perhaps, with the grown-up child it is time to change the system of relations and prohibitions. Find out if there is a serious conflict with the teacher behind the lie, which may be wrong. It happens that it is high time for parents to intervene, but the child is afraid to ask them for help.
2.If you know that the child has violated the ban, do not pretend that you do not know anything: do not provoke a lie! Otherwise, he will once again be convinced that there is no trust between you.
3. While discussing the incident, keep calm and allow the child to explain. Stop not on the fact of lying, but on discussing the way out of a difficult situation.
4. Having declared that you want to hear any truth, it's just not a lie! - do not make a scandal when you hear about a deuce in a quarter. You wanted to know the truth!
5. The honest story of the misconduct is worth it to mitigate the punishment or even to abolish it altogether. The child is much more affected by the fact that the father and mother are upset, rather than the fact that he was deprived of a trip to the cinema.
6.To 11-12 years explain that he himself must be responsible for their actions. He said that he was preparing for the control, and he was driving in the yard? Refuse to discuss this action. You agreed that he would get the bike, if only he finished a quarter without triples. Let him decide what is more important.
PATIENT FANTASY.
Other science fiction writers never dreamed of the stories invented by your offspring! You can not understand what inspired the son or daughter to such inventions? Sometimes you have to find a way out together with a psychologist.
The girl of 8 years has come on a visit to the girlfriend and has told to its parents, as cruelly exploit its own parents: "I as Cinderella! The dishes for all my clothes, I have to vacuum every day, I clean the clothes for the whole family. There is no time to do lessons! Parents do not care. All my homework was thrown at me. " My friend's mom knew this family and realized that nothing like this can not be! It turned out that the mother of the young dreamer entered the correspondence institute and could no longer pay attention to the children as much as before. The eldest daughter was sorely missed by Mama's caress and care, and she tried to provoke such a provocative way at least a sympathetic woman's feelings.
The boy of 7 years was afraid to stay in the hospital without a mother and said that the doctor would operate on him and it is not known if he would survive, so he asked to buy him the machine he dreamed of. Hospital walls are unpleasant to adults, but they cause fear in a child. In this case, support the son and follow his request.
Give a personal example.
Words are not so convincing as actions. If you want to teach the child something, give a personal example. Yesterday you also complained to your husband about your bored girlfriend, and today you smile sweetly to her. The child will learn your model of behavior. Think! Hiding part of the information is also a kind of lie. You conspire with the baby: we will not tell my dad that my grandmother was ill, otherwise he will be upset ... One day the child will use this method against you. For children under 5 years old, tickets are free. Parents 6-year-old boy before his eyes deceive the ticket: "We are 5 years old!" And do not pay for the ticket. So great is the temptation to save! Be sure: the boy will repeat your number on occasion. The conclusion is simple: never do what your beloved child does not want to see.
What is hiding behind lies?
As a rule, deceptions and incredible stories of junior high school students indicate that the child is sorely lacking in your love.
Most often, fictions and lies with a twisted plot are given out by children whose parents work too much, which grandparents or nannies raise, who do not know well the child psychology. Here is an example: a 6-year-old Seryozha grandmother sent to a bakery. However, the child returned without bread, and without money, saying that the bakery was closed forever, and lent money to his neighbor Uncle Vasya. Sergei just bought candy and ate
them - in fact because of Seryozhin diathesis the grandmother strictly forbade the boy to eat sweet and close the buffet to the castle. Having received money, the kid could not resist the temptation. And my mother, the only wet-nurse of the family, who was always lost at work, just had no time to figure out what was going on. Children suffering from chronic diseases, who have recently undergone surgery or a serious infection, also tend to include imagination to their fullest. They quickly learn that a sick child gets more attention than a healthy child. And if attention suddenly becomes less, the dreamer tries to get everything back to square one. Can tell, for example, that he has a tunic in his stomach, because the doctor left a scalpel inside the operation.
Particularly attentive parents should be to drastic changes, sudden changes in the behavior of the child-from calm to violent, from secretive to sociable. This may conceal the rudiments of a future lying, hypocritical nature.