A lot of diseases are claimed for the title "ailment of the 21st century". Fortunately, most of them are curable. With the exception of loneliness, the infectious disease of civilization, which at the speed of the epidemic affects the inhabitants of large cities.
On the origins of this feeling, about loneliness - the psychological illness of a person alone and separately, the ways of overcoming it we will tell you.
It would seem that when people gather under the roof of a big city, people should feel unity. Why do people in metropolitan areas especially acutely feel that he is alone? The higher the level of development of civilization, the more acute people feel their loneliness and the greater the number of suicides. Previously, in order to survive, it was necessary to have a common content of life (the tribesmen hunted together mammoths, engaged in gathering, performed ritual dances). People, in fact, survived only because they united. Today, money, information, the wonders of science and technology make us independent of others. Perhaps someone somewhere for us does something, but, as a rule, remotely. We get the finished product. Loneliness is a psychological illness of a person, it is the common misfortune of civilization.
What is the child's loneliness - the psychological illness of a person is different from an adult?
The most painful loneliness is experienced in adolescence: it is at 14-16 years of the highest rate of suicide. In these years, involvement with his family ends, now the teenager must go beyond her and the prototype of such a family to organize with strangers. The spirit of development drives a teenager to communicate with his own kind. Something similar is happening in the population of higher primates. Young individuals can not prove themselves in a common school, until they are trained in a group of young animals. Here they receive independence, their position in the hierarchy and, having earned this experience, return to the population, compete with the elders. People do not differ much from them.
A young man or a girl leaves the family, is brewed in a group of teenagers, feels in her himself in his place - this is a natural, natural phenomenon. But this breakthrough of going out and searching for a similar company is very painful. If a teenager does not succeed in finding such a group in the classroom or outside it (by interests), he is very worried - hence doubts, insecurities, dramatic and traumatic situations that can result in suicide and loneliness - the psychological illness of a person. Particularly affected by loneliness - a psychological illness of man who are not lived in his youth period of independent life, left to himself. If this loneliness was lived in 19-27 years, in later life a person will greatly appreciate his partner, much to forgive him.
Over the years, we are less likely to make friends. Friends of student's years are really close. Does a person lose his friendship skills with age? The period of building close relationships with people - children, the elderly, the opposite sex is formed from 18 to 25 years. If during these years the student diligently studies, sits at home at the computer - he has no friendships. In this period it is important to "go out into the world", go to another city, settle in a hostel with strangers, learn to find a common language with them, cooperate and spend time with peers - they will remain friends for life. This is the best time for forming friendly contacts. After thirty years, all new relationships are relationships with the use (we use a new acquaintance, he uses us). In youthful contacts a lot of trembling, personal, intimate. These people know a lot about us, and we know a lot about them. With them you can share your aspirations, fears, live some important events. They are witnesses of our life. When we meet with them, we always feel a surge of energy, even if we have not seen each other for a long time. It is important to establish such groups up to 25 years.
Why does time go by , and it does not appear at all?
In our time, parents are very much in charge of children. An important and necessary period of separation - the breaking of the psychological cord with the family - does not happen. Young people are forced to live under the same roof with their parents, asking for money at a cinema - this very much throws off the feeling of adulthood.
If the father and mother bring their daughter to the disco and wait at the exit in order to drive back, with which guy she can get acquainted ?! It's extremely difficult for a domestic girl to choose a partner: after all, he must be governed by the whole family. One seems not smart enough for the pope, the second is not a gallant bar - for the mother, and the girl, being dependent, can not ignore the opinion of relatives. Supervised daughters sit at home a period when you can actively communicate, live extreme, stressful situations, learn to feel confident in them.
Where do the sources of loneliness come from?
This feeling of loneliness - psychological illness of a person has deep psychological roots. Being in the womb, a man was a part of something more than himself, he felt good, he felt protected. The memory of this beautiful state constantly drives us to find people and situations in which we would feel ourselves a part. That's why you can sing with such pleasure in the choir. And have sex! Intimate communication allows us for a while to escape from the chilling feeling of disunity. But only for a while. Perhaps a person would have lived his life quite differently, had he clearly understood that he was completely isolated. In fact, we all sit in the bins of our consciousness and can not connect with anyone whatsoever. There are moments of enchanting merge with other people, but this is an illusion. As fingerprints or drawing on the leaves of the same tree do not look like the same, people never coincide with each other - the feeling of intimacy will be temporary. A sense of permanence comes only when we are learning the flexibility in a relationship.
After risking , being exposed to some kind of adventure is much more difficult - there are no skills to live independently, feel your person, find your groups. The drive to go beyond the boundaries of your family is very high by 15-17 years, and if the family gives the child the opportunity to leave, he will grow up very quickly, start thinking and taking care of himself, his parents. Under the oak of oaks does not grow - this is the main condition for growing up.
Around the women (by no means beauties) are constantly crowded by men, others - smart and beautiful - are sitting alone - the psychological illness of man. What's the secret? The way a person will develop relationships with the opposite sex, very much depends on how the child was met by the parents, whether he felt their acceptance. The ability to love and understand others is based on the mother's acceptance of the child, and is called the basic trust in the world. It is formed up to two years - up to this age a person learns to love, sympathize, empathize. And if this happened, we are confidently going through life, embedding ourselves in the fates of other people. But it happens, the relationship with the mother and the child are lined up difficult. Then a person grows a daffodil - at the heart of his personality traits lies the firm conviction that he is the center around which everything else moves. But life does not revolve around each of us, it goes on as usual, and we either take part in it, or we do not.
So, single people by nature - daffodils? At least, among them there are other daffodils. Narcissism is a tragedy of the 21st century, a psychological state, when another person is needed only to emphasize one's own uniqueness! While he looks me in the eye, he compliments - I'll be with him, as soon as the delights are exhausted, I regretlessly find another. Such people go through life, never approaching others, they use them, manipulate them. At critical moments, when you need to change yourself, change those who are next to them. Their lives seem very intense, but she is terribly alone.
Among us there are many who can not admire another person, feel his uniqueness. And this is a curse, because if we do not see beauty in other people, we paint the world with black paint - there is nothing interesting in it. And then we have very little love, we do not become attached to anything and do not know how to harmoniously exchange energy with others. We put ourselves in prison and sit in it without a mind.
There is an opinion: in order to create a new relationship, you need to vacate their place.
Is it true?
The most terrible loneliness is the psychological illness of a person - this is loneliness alone. If two are married, rarely someone appears between them. Such are the customs: after all, they promised each other their time, care, their lives. And no one knows how lonely this couple is. They may not be able to communicate, they grew from each other, but stay together. In order for new relationships to emerge, a person must understand that he is free. Marriage is a framework that violates the search process (you are limited: about what, with whom and how much you can communicate, at what time to return home, how to explain your later return). And it's not even the presence of a stamp in the passport. It is important to feel internally free from the other. Once I had a client in counseling, for which the civic husband did not offer marriage for a long time. It turned out that her former husband had taken a lot of her life, they parted well, often met, discussed common matters. But one day during a regular meeting with him a woman had a question: what am I doing with this person? Killing time! And the next day her man invited her to marry him. To start a new relationship, you need to finish the old. Although this is not a dogma. Some people have enough hearts and love for many: after all, we love each person in different ways.
How to break the chain of single days?
To begin with, you need to understand that you will always be lonely and not completely understood by another person, and you yourself will not understand the others completely. The second step is awareness: since you are so alone, then all others are as alone as you are. You can approach anyone and find a common language, if only because you are united by loneliness. The third step - since we are all so alone - let's together come up with something that brightens up our gray routine. We need to get out of our closed space - to take the first step towards someone and together with someone to start doing something. Once, on the eve of the new year, a young girl came to me for a consultation. She complained that she was terribly lonely and forced to celebrate the New Year with her parents. I asked her: "And many of you at work are those who do not know where to celebrate the New Year?" It turned out, not a little. And I suggested: "So make them the New Year!
Gather together , go to five more of the same. Organize the trip, go to learn how to dance salsa, take your leisure - bring them an idea. " Exit from any state - in action. In the West, there are many beginnings that break this circle - volunteering on hotlines or a popular endeavor - to become a godfather or mother to some child. Americans are pragmatic, but they understood: the contribution of time and money to such relationships ensures longevity. The more plans and concerns we have, the more energy.