Starting to live together, we often imagine an idyll: candlelit dinners, coffee in bed. However, we are greatly astonished. The first time we find ourselves in the midst of a passionate quarrel. And the second, when we understand that conflicts can be and are useful. Moreover, family disagreements can go not only for the benefit of relations, they often bring us closer to the desired proximity. However, the scientists found that newlyweds and wise-spirited couples swear quite differently. Which strategy of dispute management is better: to strive to find out everything to the last detail or quietly keep silent about important things? The choice of tactics depends largely ... on how long you live together.
Any married couple goes through important milestones of their journey: and it does not do without the emergence of controversial situations, which in some cases are solved amicably, while in others they grow into grandiose scandals. But gradually sharp quarrels get smaller and the heat of passion is not the same. This conclusion was made by scientists who studied the emotions of married couples. During the study, 130 pairs were interviewed and recorded on the video, and they were asked to discuss some questions on the given topic. The subjects were divided into two groups: the first were those who lived in marriage for 10 years or more, in another - less. As a result of the study, it became clear that those who have lived in marriage for many years, quarrels are much less than newlyweds. Moreover, according to scientists, such dynamics - from frequent disputes to peace and harmony - only strengthens the marriage.Quarrels as an excuse to get to know each other
If you competently approach the process of quarrel, then this is an excuse not only to throw out your negative emotions, but also beneficial material in order to better understand and understand each other. You can, figuratively speaking, say that this is an excellent occasion for closer acquaintance. According to the scholars of the Edinburgh Institute of Practical Psychology, quarrels have their own important family function. It is to manage anxiety states and maintain a balance in a married couple. The severity of the conflict depends on the degree of cohesion of the spouses and on how much they experience anxiety. Avoid conflicts, because they are an integral part of married life. With their help, the family checks whether it can survive various acute moments, constructively resolve controversial and ambiguous situations, comprehend contradictions and draw conclusions.
Under what conditions are the conflicts particularly acute? When partners react emotionally to each other, their thoughts are focused on (as they see it) stubbornness, indifference, unreasonableness of the spouse. In such a situation, the conflict can break out due to a minor cause and quickly reach high incandescence. At the same time, we do not miss an opportunity to remind the elect about the injuries inflicted on us, which only aggravates the situation.
However, there is also a positive side to family disagreements. With their help, we clarify the position - our and our partner. We have a wonderful opportunity to adequately express each other's accumulated negative emotions. Moreover, conjugal conflicts make it possible to introduce positive changes in the family system.
Scream louder
The most emotionally complex period, full of conflicts, is the first years of family life. The cause for high-profile proceedings among young couples are fundamental topics. Why? Roman and life under one roof are completely different things. Until a new family system, characterized by a common territory and the most important signs of intimacy - joint sleep and eating, did not cause serious conflicts. But as soon as the family has developed, everything changes immediately.
In any pair of newlyweds there is a stage of so-called lapping, on which a lot of contradictions between the partners come up. There comes a time when a dreamy falling in love with pink glasses passes and you realize that you and your loved one are different people, and many suffer greatly from this. Husband and wife grew up in different families, with different ideas about what can be done in marriage, and what can not, what is permissible and what is not. In addition, each of us expects something new from the newly created family.
Many of the conflicts that arise in young couples are related to their adjustment to each other. Disagreements can happen on any issue: from banal life to the plans of spouses to spend their free time and even a way of expressing feelings.
All in an adult way
The acute phase of lapping is usually replaced by a more balanced and calm segment, when all conflict issues have already been clarified. In the relations of couples who have passed through a period of clarification of relations, and then managed to agree and come to an understanding and compromise, a long-awaited balance and peace is being established. In this case, the couple learns to recognize some shortcomings in the partner and accept each other as they are. They understand that there are things that can not be changed in a person, that's why couples who have lived in marriage for a long time, quarrel not so explosively and flamboyant as recently married wives. They already have no reasons for big scandals and finding out the relationship.
However, it often happens that we deliberately try not to quarrel in the open. Because quarrels are bad, we think. We are afraid that during the clarification of relations we can not cope with our emotions, and therefore lose control over ourselves. Therefore, we often prefer not to enter into conflict and keep silent about what does not suit us in a partner, just not to quarrel. However, this situation can lead to very adverse consequences. If you constantly accumulate dissatisfaction in yourself, it only increases the distance in a couple, the relationship begins to cool. But sooner or later the accumulated negative will break out, which can cause a huge emotional scandal.
Getting closer
On the other hand, if even after more than one decade of spouses continue to argue, say, about who to take out the garbage or to walk with the dog, then for them confrontations become a kind of ritual. The reasons for this may be several. Deep lack of satisfaction from the partner, the desire to get rid of the excessive accumulated tension or the desire to regulate the distance. Psychologically, this confrontation has two phases: the conflict itself and the subsequent distance.
It also happens that conflict situations alternate with the moments of flashes of warmth and intimacy, then the scheme becomes even more complex: affinity-heat of passion-alienation-quarrel. Suppose a married couple came from a vacation, where they were very close emotionally. In everyday life between us, there are a lot of psychological barriers: work, friends, hobbies. And when we are on vacation, we can fully concentrate on our beloved person. Many are unable to receive such a close emotional communication, and therefore returning to their home, they try again to distance themselves to a safe psychological distance from their partner. And in this case, quarrels become a convenient reason to once again return the right distance.
There is also the opposite situation: when the spouses are not initially close, and emotional contact is still needed. Therefore, in order to feel that a partner is interested in you, that he is involved in your emotional life, a scandal and clarification of the relationship is arranged. Moreover, often one as if specifically waits, when the second will make some mistake and make a mistake. Then, in a quarrel with the use of screaming, the spouses find satisfaction and the desired emotional intimacy.
How to competently swear?
Do not start a conversation at the moment of irritation. It is better to go to different rooms and write down your claims to a partner. And after a while, when the emotions are settled, calmly talk.
It is important not only to speak out for yourself, but also to give an opportunity to speak out to your partner.
Do not take the words of a partner with hostility. He has his reasons for saying those things that you heard. Try to understand what the chosen one wants.
Do not try to push your decision, but do not go on about the partner. Agree to the third option, in which you both have to compromise.