Sooner or later, no matter how wonderful the relationship is, we are faced with the need to show our boundaries. Saying "no" to the offer or even to the person, we all think how to say no and not feel guilty . But where does this sense of guilt come from? Are we not right in defending our opinion, what is important or expensive for us?
The most natural answer, dictated by common sense: we simply can not say "yes." Many actions and decisions in this world contain only two answers: either yes or no. It is simply impossible to dodge.
And in this case, the inability due to a sense of guilt to say "no" clearly and immediately - it's spent time, money, spoiled relationships. Leaving the answer, we take on the full responsibility for the fulfillment of the assigned "mission". And then they will accuse us of ... anything! How can I say no and do not feel guilty?
Where does wine come from because of the simple word "no"?
Avoiding the answer is not the answer. Or it can be regarded not in your favor. But answering as it is, you might endanger the relationship ... or not?
In fact, everything is much more complicated. Most likely, to fear of destroying relations there are certain prerequisites - this feeling did not take "anywhere", but was formed by your experience. But shirking from the answer, suggesting "to do tomorrow" or answering "I will try, but I do not guarantee", you put relations on strike even earlier.
Each unopened "Maybe another time", said from the desire not to hurt the interlocutor, deceive two people at once. One is deceived in expectations, his time is simply disrespectfully spent. He counts on help or support, attention or resolution of his problems. And you are perching on yourself an additional burden - at least moral. After all, when the interlocutor leaves, you will be tormented by doubts and "gnawing" yourself.
As a result, both you and the interlocutor, two people immediately spend their time, instead of immediately dotting all the "i". The most striking example is an invitation to a date. A girl gets invited from a man who is certainly not very interested in her. Perhaps she convinces herself that one day he will be interested in her ... Yes, and it is impolite to immediately stop such pleasant claims for his time ...
But even if she replaces the unequivocal "no" instead of saying "Today I'm busy" or "Maybe another time?", This will not change the facts, and she will have a feeling of guilt.
From refusal we are not insured - neither in attitudes, nor in business, nor in own family. Realizing the fear of failure, which we are so familiar with, we are not in a hurry to "please" a person. Quite often we are encouraging people, instead of moving on.
So it turns out that the desire to be good is not optimal. However, for such people there is another way out - to contact intermediaries, extreme measures, and even lawyers ...
From a young age, the word "no"
Among the first words that children learn, there is the word "no". Did you notice such a feature? It has its own important function. It builds the boundaries between man and other people, between man and the world. All that "nizya" is unsafe or ineffective. Saying "no", my mother protects the baby from everything that he does not need yet. And at the same time, almost every "nizya" the child has his "ZYA!"
Only becoming older, we are timid before the power of this "no." Do not try again and feel, to put it mildly, uncomfortable. But as the asphalt very clearly says "no" to the knees of the child, so we, if we are sure of the correctness of our "no", we have the right and even should refuse.
Such different "no"
But not all "no" are equally sad or painfully perceived. And if you want to say no and do not feel guilty, try to start thinking about the nature of the word "no". Here are just a few examples.
- - Warm outside? - No. (A natural natural fact, there's nothing to be done, you'll have to dress warmly according to the situation)
- - Has your mother already arrived? - No. (A train or a bus can not be "driven" with just one desire, so that a person can arrive soon)
And, finally, sacramental:
- - Do you love me? - No. (And this is a fact of life: "Making you fall in love back" will not work anymore, apparently, it's worth letting a person go)
The easiest, of course, is the answer "no", if it does not carry in itself neither positive nor negative. As an answer to a simple question. But all questions concern us, otherwise we would not ask them? Whence in one "is not present" it is so much emotions, and in others - a quiet statement of the fact.
The answer is simple: do not bring anything superfluous into your "no", and you will not have a destructive feeling of guilt for nothing.
There are many wonderful ways of saying "no" and not feeling guilty.
- "I can not now" (meaning that later it will be too late). If you add an apology, then the questioner himself can not be angry with the person who is disappointed with the need to refuse.
- Thank a person for what you or your skills (strengths, skills) are important to him. After that, the refusal will sound much softer.
There are several incorrect ways to say no.
- "Another time" - do not hesitate, they will turn to you.
- "Talk to Basil (Natalie)" - they will try to convince you of your omnipotence, albeit specifically in this issue.
- "Maybe later" - a person will still make more than one approach, so that you will deal with his problem.