Alas, today not even half of the concluded marriages fall apart, but their majority. As a rule, children remain from these marriages, who later become stepchildren and stepdaughters in the subsequent unions of their parents. Problem? No! Nowadays it is already embarrassing to make a problem out of this ...
Before you associate your life (and your child's life) with a new person, you must prepare the ground for this important event. While you are not yet bound by any obligations, it is necessary to find out many things concerning your future spouse, and also to carry out certain work with the child. After all, the subsequent connection between the father and the child in the second marriage is the pledge of the fortress and longevity of your new family.
Ask the future spouse the following questions (and best of all try to find out by indirect means):
♦ Whether he likes children in principle;
♦ whether he is ready to sacrifice his habits and convenience for the sake of the child's happiness and calmness;
♦ whether he likes your child, whether he does not dislike him:
♦ whether he will be jealous of you towards the child;
♦ Whether his mother will not treat the foster child badly.
If it turns out something unfavorable, it should immediately alert you: think, should you hurry with this marriage?
PUT IT TO KNOWN ...
♦ Let your husband be ready for dramatic changes in his life: describe to him what your regime of the day looks like now, and let him know that with his appearance hardly anything will change, that is, he will have to adjust himself rather than you and the child. In the end, always obey the majority.
♦ Warn him that your attention will not be solely given to him alone and that the child needs your attention no less (let him then be not jealous).
♦ Warn him that the child may not immediately be able to get used to a new member of the family, but at first will show jealousy and even hostility. Explain to your husband that there is nothing wrong with this, and that psychologists consider this to be the norm. Children are much more difficult to overcome the situation, so adults should show maximum patience and loyalty.
♦ Tell him that you are ready to accept the fact that not all men are able to genuinely love a non-native child, but you think that in any case, you should observe courtesy, respect and demonstrate only a good attitude (declare this as your condition for marriage , you can even make a written agreement).
SPEAK WITH THE CHILD ...
♦ Make sure that the child is ready for changes in the family: does not have anything against your marriage in principle and against your chosen one in particular. If you are not sure about this, then it is better to postpone the marriage until all the circumstances are clarified or completely abandon it.
♦ Draw your future life with a new dad to the child, try to prove to him that with him you will all be better (because our father has a different family and he is doing well there, because my mother also wants to have her beloved, like everyone else, because together it is always easier to live and there are more opportunities, etc.).
♦ List specific benefits that arise in his life with the appearance of a man in the house (the boy can play with the new dad in football, watch the sport on TV together and learn the techniques of self-defense, and the girl will feel under reliable protection).
♦ Promise him that he will be able to meet with his own father as much as he likes, and that no one will force him to take a different surname. After all, the connection between father and child is sacred and you are not going to rip it apart.
♦ Explain to the child that no one will demand from him that he loves the new father as his own, but it will be good if friendship between them is established.
♦ Agree immediately, as he will call his stepfather (this unpleasant word, by the way, you can not say). Variants: Dad Lesha, Uncle Lesha, by name-patronymic, just by name. Do not insist that the child calls your husband daddy.
♦ Explain to the child that it is always difficult for a person to enter another family, so it should be supported, not harmful and provoke quarrels.
♦ Let him know that the family of your future husband does not necessarily take him as your own - in that case, everyone should observe at least an elementary courtesy and courtesy.
THE CHILD IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT!
If you notice that your future spouse is not happy with the fact that he was caught by a woman "with a load," consider the option of ending such a relationship, no matter how much you love this man. Ultimately, this union will not bring happiness to anyone, because an acute love passes, and your relationship with the child - for sure for life. If in the second marriage you spoil them through the fault of your lover, then you yourself will hate it for it, which is much worse, and the child's love is unlikely to be returned to you.
HIGH RELATIONS
The mother's task is to build relationships in the triangle "child-father-stepfather", so that they all strive for peaceful co-existence and treat each other with respect. It does not matter how and for what reason you broke up with your first husband - now it's history. We must think about today. The main leitmotif should be a simple thesis: "We are all people, everyone can have mistakes and errors." And one more: "Do not judge, so you will not be judged." This will save you and the child from the condemnation of the real father. And at the same time will moderate the jealousy of your second husband. As a result, you can even become friends and communicate with families. Perhaps such high relations are still unaccustomed to in our society, but, if you think about it, they are quite natural and convenient. And for children this is exactly better than enmity and constant taunts by the eyes.
COMMON FAULTS
♦ Do not expect that the child and husband will immediately love each other: the minimum period of adaptation is 2 years, and the maximum - 7 years.
♦ Do not expect that a man will equally love his or her own and adoptive child - the family is usually loved more. The main thing is to convince the husband that he should not show it to the children.
♦ Do not get hung up on the child: marital relationships are equally important, and you must ensure that everything on the front is in order.
♦ Do not rush to condemnation if a new father does not get everything right away at once (the only thing that should be immediately stopped is the excessive stiffness of the stepfather in relation to the child).
INSTRUCTION FOR THE BEGINNING FATHER
♦ Do not hurry to actively educate the child's wife, especially if it's a teenager (best education is a personal example).
♦ It is not necessary to emphasize once again that it is you who are the head of the family: by this you are unlikely to win the child's trust (better emphasize your affectionate attitude and love for his mother and for him).
♦ Do not resort to punishment: it certainly will not please the foster child, and you can always solve problems by another way (through explanations, discussions and compromises).
♦ Communicate with the child on an equal footing, as an adult, show him your respect.
♦ Be sure to play with the child, go to the theater and to the movies with the whole family.
♦ Take it with you to work so that he can feel how important his stepfather is doing, he saw that you are respected.
♦ Try to attract the child to what you are interested in yourself.
♦ Give up the tactic "I do not see anything, I do not hear anything" regarding the child's pranks, so he can decide that you do not care about him.
♦ Be ready for some time to tolerate aggression and rejection on the part of the child (especially if it's a teenager), show restraint and try to put yourself in the child's place: the children, as a rule, experience the divorce of their parents for a very long time.
OPINION EXPERT:
Elena Nikolaevna VORONTSOVA, doctor-psychotherapist
Creating a family is a lot of work. People, in principle, it is quite difficult to get along together and adapt their interests to the interests of another person. In the case of the wife of the first marriage of the wife of all three (and not only the potential stepfather), the problems of communication between the father and the child in the second marriage are only doubled. The child was already jealous of his mother to his own father, and now the situation for him is even more complicated, since a new subject for jealousy arose. And if the father, either explicitly or implicitly, but expressing his love, it is not known how the new mother's husband will treat a new baby. Children all feel and understand: the elders are fully conscious, and the kids are at a subconscious level. The man himself, although he tries to snobber, but deep in his heart, too, worries and complexes about what might not like the child, will be an unimportant teacher. In addition, he also somewhere in the subconscious is hiding jealousy for the previous husband, and the child acts in it as a constant irritating factor (as a living reminder). And, of course, the wife: she is doomed to be always, between the two fires, as they say, constantly building, adjusting and "repairing" the relationship between the child and the new husband. In a word, there are enough problems. But all of them in most cases are solved, if they, of course, recognize and correctly approach them. The main thing is a man's desire to see his beloved woman happy, and therefore her child.