"Why did you marry?" You could not have a family! You absolutely can not cook! You can not keep the house in order! You are indifferent to sex! You are always dissatisfied with something! You are not a family man, you are only interested in entertainment! You do not know how to handle children, you can not be a mother! You always have a headache! "- such or similar phrases, probably, each of you heard on the eve of the divorce.
They hurt us to the core and do not add confidence and optimism at all. We proudly turn around and try to live alone . But the euphoria of freedom passes very quickly. And we begin to feel not at ease.
A woman should not live alone. She is contraindicated. It is vitally important for her to take care of someone.
Having a family is a normal, legitimate desire of every person, because he is a social being. It is contraindicated only to individuals who are characterized by the following features:
• complete rejection of surrounding people, especially members of the opposite sex;
• a persistent allergy to the performance of marital duty;
• inability to compromise;
• Manic reluctance to put up with other people's shortcomings, habits and peculiarities;
• predisposition to antisocial behavior, drug dependence, alcoholism;
• Lack of desire to have a family.
Fortunately, such extremes are rare. Although some of them do not interfere with creating something similar to the social institution, called by the people "marriage" ... in all meanings of this word.
We all need close people and a place where we can come with our joys and troubles and be heard. And nowhere you can not get by.
And when we are unable to create a strong happy family from the first time, we do not lose hope of realizing this desire in the second and third marriage. And right! Only before doing this, I think, it is necessary to understand very carefully why the first attempt failed, and not to repeat mistakes.
The second and third family are often built in the image and likeness of the first. Only with minor changes. And the new partner is similar to the old one even externally. Why is this happening? "Why do I fall for the same fishing rod and attack the same rake," you think. Let's try to figure this out.
• you are attracted by the same type of people, it happens genetically (the future satellite most often looks like a father);
• you have not learned from the mistakes of a previous marriage, and life gives you one more opportunity, something to understand about yourself and relationships with people;
• your thinking is subject to the influence of stereotypes, which you can say goodbye only by strong-willed effort;
• This also happens when you are not clearly determined who you really want in your life, what your real choice and your marriage should be.
• You have not changed at all, your views, thoughts, expectations, activities, habits ... So what do you want from others. The external is equal to the inner. Change you - and the world around you will change.
Sometimes it is insulting and strange to encounter in your new partner with those traits of character that were so annoying in the former. So stereotypes are born, like "all men are theirs ..." depending on what you have to deal with.
If you were given the opportunity to continue the phrase, what would you write on the site "its ..."? The game in the association, as in the office of the psychoanalyst. What came to your mind is your true attitude to this problem. Here and it is necessary to search.
Do you know about such an interesting psychological pattern - the shortcomings that we most do not like in other people and those that we most often struggle with in others, necessarily exist in us? Only they are hidden deep in the subconscious.
In all ways we try to hide them from others. But according to the law of meanness, what you most want to hide is obvious. Never noticed? Think about it at leisure. Be sure to find in yourself the line for which you hate your boss.
Those who most talk about energy vampires or monstrous manifestations of avarice, themselves in actual fact turns out to be bright energy vampires or misers. Like this!
Try sensibly, discarding the previous grievances and thoughts of your infallibility, to think about the causes of your past problems. Only not from the standpoint of a deceived victim, but from the position of a person who is able to critically look at himself and his life. Understand the causes and draw lessons.
When all this, honestly looking into the eyes of reality, suddenly realize - people disappear from life who strain and acts that torment and make you blush. For this, one does not even have to do anything particularly, just realize and accept this in oneself, calmly and sensibly.
What's the use of telling myself that I never change anyone, because I'm deeply monogamous, loyal and devoted person. Great! Faithful, faithful! But is she happy? Hang this devotion in a frame on the wall and admire! Or put a monument in the center of the kitchen. Suddenly grateful descendants will kneel.
And it is weak for you to accept yourself and the world as imperfect, such that there can be treason, and mistakes, and wrong deeds?
Here you are, for example, faithful and devoted, but the "top ten" Aunt Masha, a neighbor, was not given a loan. They regretted it. And remember, on Saturday, when no one was at home, you did not rush around the house with a vacuum cleaner as usual, and did not yell at all that you were tired of being servants, but just lay in front of the TV all day, like the last lazy person with a full tray of pop -corn, which you hate to sweep out of the corners after they are satisfied with your children. Remembered? Aha! So you are not so perfect. And from others, expect some kind of ideal actions and manifestations. Go down to earth, dear! And accept it as it is, imperfect and unpredictable!
And forget about the ideal relationship and family idylls from Hollywood movies. They do not exist!
Life is so beautiful that it is far from ideal!
What will be useful to you in a new marriage
... and surely it will save you from stress and error like this:
• Tolerance . Very useful quality is not given to everyone. Because it requires some effort. For example, how politely and with humor to insist that your husband and children pick their socks off the floor? With a little effort, you can do it. But some of the personal qualities of the satellites will never change. Yes, and it's an ungrateful task to correct someone. You can never be intolerant of the physical shortcomings, psychological characteristics of another person, his weaknesses. Because the attack on weak spots is most painful.
• Sense of humor . Try to look at everything with humor, even when you do not laugh. There is an old song, remarkably illustrating this idea: "Wake up and sing, try in life at least once to not let out a smile from open eyes. Let capricious success, he chooses from those who can first laugh at themselves. Sing asleep, sing in a dream, wake up and sing! "Great, really! Those people who succeed in it, are able to be happy in any circumstances.
• Absence of unjustified expectations and overstated requirements . Do not you think that you are too demanding on your partner. And at the slightest discrepancy to your expectations you fall into despair, get angry, get irritated. Who told you that you have the right. Another person is not created to meet your expectations and requirements. Its value to the world does not depend on your opinion. Remember this. And accept, such as it is. Or do not take it at all.
• Flexibility . Do not be maximalist in a second marriage. Stubbornness and pride, inability to compromise, impenetrability and reinforced concrete, which you might call principle, is really just stupid. And it is possible to break down from tension. Is it not better to learn to be a diplomat, to make concessions, to come to a consensus? It is always better than direct confrontation. Simply put, become softer, more supple and more flexible, and life will cease to expose you to concrete walls, into which you vainly beat your head.
• Goodwill . Try to see in your partner only good, cultivate in him positive qualities. For the kind words he will be immensely grateful to you, and even if something of your praise does not quite coincide with reality, but is only desirable, very soon it will become a reality. Call a man a pig, and he soon grunts. Call the swan, and it will be beautiful. Excessive criticality and rigor do not contribute to the warm atmosphere in the house. But it is to this that we all strive.
Do not despair if the second time does not work, you still have time, until the very old age you can search and experiment. Some manage to get married at 75, 80 years old. It would be a wish!
Never put a cross on yourself. Many researchers have noticed that in a second marriage a person becomes more tolerant and mild. Learned by bitter experience, he no longer seeks to conquer territory and does not fight for primacy. He is trying to live. In agreement with yourself and a partner. The very existence of such a desire is the first step to the success of a new marriage!
Good luck in the field of a happy family life!