But why do we like somebody or other people? Why do these people often look so similar? Why is the fate of the joker replaying the same plays in different scenery? Mystic? Only so long as the search for explanations is not taken by psychologists. Take advantage of our helpful tips for relationships with men.
Unfinished romance
Have you ever noticed that all your fans in a certain period of time subtly resemble each other? To look back and understand that the conclusion "all the peasants - (substitute any insulting word)" is dictated by the strangeness of your experience, in which for some reason you were left with only these very ones, worthy of only offensive words? And women who choose you as confidants, do not they look like one another, beginning with a kindergarten girlfriend? With such a glimpse of consciousness, a difficult reflection may begin, which usually rests on a dead end, because otherwise, than in mystical "jokes of fate", this can not be explained in any way. Why is it so, that we are being persecuted for life by "various not those"?
In a story with similar to each other, my friend once pleased me, and only stopping and thinking, she realized that in fact all these men reminded her of a man in whom she had been unrequitedly in love for a long time. The subject of her feelings was married, and she did not consider herself entitled to destroy the family and suffered in silence. But only why did men appear in her life, who reminded of the novel that had not happened? Would not it be more logical from the side of fate to throw variants ahead of time? Useful tips for relationships with men will help you to develop the right tactics for further relationships.
In psychology there is such a well-known phenomenon - the "Zeigarnik effect" (after the name of the Soviet psychologist Blumy Zeigarnik, who first described it). Unfinished actions are remembered better than completed ones. At the same time they can go into the background of the psyche, become invisible, but gradually organize the person in such a way that he unconsciously searches for himself situations that repeat the one that was not completed. In your example, obviously, the girl did not finish the relationship with an important person for her, and she organizes the space around herself so that people get into it that would help her to this situation and finally finish it.
The mechanism of organizing space is largely intuitive and is not recognized as useful advice for relationships with men. These are, for example, non-verbal signals, which - again, on a subconscious level - are tracked by people who are trying to approach us, and serve as a guide for them further actions: whether to continue the rapprochement, whether to retreat to a safe distance or completely disappear into the fog. In the relationship of a man and a woman, such "dances" are so ancient that they are recognized unerringly even by the inexperienced in the affairs of flirting. Looks, unconscious gestures, intonations of the voice - do we not know how easy it is to tell a man: "Pouch for me!" Or "Go away, you are not welcome here"?
And the destiny, to which we write off such frills, from the psychological point of view, is what we ourselves do with it. People appear in our lives only insofar as we admit them into it. And by the way, the number of "mystical" coincidences is much less than we think. Here there is another psychological phenomenon - a picture of the world.
Anyway , we see what it fits into, and do not notice that it does not coincide with it. Or maybe we just prefer not to remember our attempts to get closer to other people and in other situations than our repetitions so beloved by us. Useful tips for dealing with men will help you to disassemble in any emerging situations.
Not always incomplete situation is repeated literally, as in the example from the beginning of the article. Sometimes we transfer it to other relationships on the principle of similarity. Natalia Kravchenko told me the story of a girl who repeatedly repeated the same pattern in relations with men: they met for several months and then parted, and the girl was sure that the break was due to her fault, that she did something that pushed away partner. The case that started the process of this "running around in a circle" - the death of her father, occurred when our heroine was a teenager. The loss was so sudden and severe for her that the girl could not understand her feelings and take the departure from her life of an expensive person. She was forced to repeatedly lose the same event of separation necessary to her.
Go till the end
From the "Zeigarnik effect" it follows that we remember the unfinished action as a certain matter, to which we will necessarily return afterwards. If we accept this hypothesis, it turns out that our psyche does not recognize incompleteness at all - everything should be brought to the logical end, sooner or later.
By the way, from the desire of the psyche not to leave unfinished business, the popular psychotherapeutic direction - Gestalt therapy - has grown. Its meaning is in accepting and realizing one's own feelings, and then finding a way to close the situation, if not literally, then metaphorically. Narrative therapy (from the word "narrative" - narrative) and psychodrama partly serve the same needs.
There are several useful tips for relationships with men, how not to turn your life into the film "Groundhog Day" - if possible live any feeling, any relationship to the end, to the last drop. But it's not so easy. Any complex feeling in its development passes through several stages, and it is easier to get stuck on each lung. Say, grief, whether from the death of a loved one or from parting with a loved one, develops from a primary shock through denial ("this can not be," "this could not happen to me"), a sense of anger ("how could you leave me? ! "), Guilt (" I could fix it all "," it's you who are to blame for his death ") to a more or less prolonged depression and, finally, taking a loss with the appearance of a light, light sadness. Jam at any stage is fraught with serious psychological, and even physiological problems.
Why do not we let ourselves go beyond a certain stage of feeling development? One of the reasons is that we do not allow ourselves to experience these or those emotions, as our parents did not allow us to do. Remember: "A good girl should not be angry with her mother!"; "Do not rev, everyone is looking at you!"; "Envy is a bad feeling!" This is how we develop the notion that there are feelings of "good" and "bad", and we try not to test the latter so as not to upset our parents. More precisely, we do not recognize the person who suddenly felt something "wrong".
Emotion that does not find an outlet is "canned", and its latent energy becomes a fuel on which the mechanism of repetitive situations works, again and again provoking us to release the feeling outward and "round off" our history, or rather, every time, a completely different one, substituting for itself the real cause .
Of course, the need to express one's feelings does not at all mean that we can openly manifest, say, anger or hatred in public. But, at least, it is necessary to recognize the presence of these emotions in yourself and others, and also be able to talk about them. To parents - to "inappropriate" feelings of the child to react not with prohibitions and punishments, but with something like: "Well, you are angry, and you have a right to it. Probably, and I would be angry in your place.
Let's think together about useful tips for dealing with men, and what can be done so that you will not be so bad this time. " And do not be afraid of possible conflicts - they are very productive and necessary for the relationship. "When they say to me:" We never quarreled in our family! "- I am immediately alarmed: how much in such a family there should be hidden problems, unanswered questions, unclear relationships, unconceived feelings, how difficult it is to live in this family, then one of the family members suffers from physical, i.e., somatic (or rather psychosomatic) illnesses.