It happens that a woman sincerely wants to become a mother and does not see any serious obstacles to this, and her husband does not express obvious enthusiasm for the coming parenthood. Then the woman is faced with the question: "What should I do? Maybe the decision itself and put it before the fact? "However, the birth of a child is a process in which not only the future mother, but also her man and the baby themselves are involved, so it is so important to come to an agreement and make a mutual decision. Otherwise, the consequences can be very negative for both the woman herself and the future child, not to mention relations in the family. After all, it may happen that, being not ready for paternity, but set before the fact, the man will feel betrayed and completely detached, which will affect the psychological state of the woman and the relationship between the spouses (up to the possibility of remaining a single mother). Thus, an important task for a woman who decided to become a mother is to prepare her husband for the idea of pregnancy, discuss this issue and make a joint decision on the birth of a child. It remains to clarify the most important question: how to do this?
Pregnancy for men
First of all, a woman should think about the fact that men, for the most part, are themselves somewhat different: they are more rational, pragmatic, calculating than women. And, perhaps, especially brightly, these qualities are manifested in such a crucial issue as planning for pregnancy. Usually pregnancy becomes the next stage in the development of relations, after the formation of the family (and it is not so important whether these relations are officially formalized), a new peak bringing mutual satisfaction and happiness to the spouses ... However, to the idea of pregnancy a woman often comes intuitively, simply into one a beautiful moment, realizing that she needs a child. A man needs time to think over his feelings and desires, joint future and inevitable changes, it is important for him to weigh the pros and cons, to evaluate and make a rational decision.
On the other hand, when planning a pregnancy, the emotional component is actively included in the stronger sex. A man can be afraid of changes that occur with his beloved, changes in the already established way of life of the family, in relation to him and in intimate life ... Sometimes men are afraid for their freedom and independence, they are afraid of losing their influence and control. And trying to make a mutual decision about the birth of a child, a woman must take into account such features of male psychology, understanding and accepting them. Otherwise, criticism, excessive pressure and pressure, reproaches and daily persuasion will have the opposite effect, removing the spouses from each other and destroying their relationship. Anna and Sergey were married a year ago and were quite happy in marriage. Both are already mature enough and self-sufficient people who have managed to arrange their own way of life and career. Anna began to think seriously about children, believing that in their family there are all the conditions for the birth of a child, but "on the family council" this question was not raised. "I can not talk to him on this topic for the first time - I'm waiting for him to say that he would like a child. But he is silent ... I tried to hint, paid attention to the kids on the street, but he only smiles back and does not react at all. I really want a child, but I'm afraid of his refusal. " Anna became irritable, touchy, quarrels became frequent in the family, and the spouses began to move away from each other. In many families, there is often a situation where the spouses, for whatever reason, can not talk openly with each other, and in most cases this concerns specifically important issues, such as pregnancy. Conversations with hints, ambiguous phrases, "speculation" of thoughts and desires for one's partner, the belief that another person should guess and understand what you want to say to him, lead to incorrect interpretation of each other's actions. In the relationship there is "understatement", distrust and cold. Spouses feel that they cease to understand each other. There is a vicious circle. This is the prospect of the development of events in the situation of Anna, if her policy towards her husband remains unchanged. After all, it is impossible to come to a mutual decision, if the question itself was not clearly and clearly announced. It seems to her that her desires lie on the surface and must be knowingly known to the beloved man, and if he does not hurry to fulfill them, then he does not want to, he ignores. From here and resentment, and irritation, and unnecessary quarrels. However, we are all different people, with different thoughts. The first thing Anna should think about is that her husband may not understand her hints, because she does not think about children at the moment and does not know about her desire to have a child, but that does not mean that he does not want children.
To begin with, a woman should openly discuss this issue with her husband, telling her feelings and emotions, while maintaining the most calm and sincere tone. The main thing is to build a conversation in such a way that the husband appreciates his importance in the issue of family planning. First, you should indicate your desire and emotions, for example: "I have long thought about the fact that we gave birth to a baby, but I do not know how you feel about it. You do not talk about it, and I'm afraid that you do not want it. Therefore, I became so nervous and irritable. " It is very important to remind you how important the position of the husband is, his opinion: "We must take this decision together, I want our child to be a joy for both of us." And most importantly - to say that Anna is waiting for her husband, what she really wants to get from the conversation (men love the specifics): "I want to know how you feel about us having a baby, and would like to discuss it now .. . "Having conducted a conversation on this scheme. Anna will be able to restore a trusting atmosphere in relations with Sergei, bring his wishes to him and clarify his position on the birth of the baby.
"I'm not against the child, but ..."
Lisa and Andrew met still very young, and since then they considered themselves to be a family. Together they passed all difficulties, received education, built a career ... A few years later they got married, rented an apartment, Andrei began to do his favorite work. The child wanted both, but waited when they could "rise" and provide not only themselves. Meanwhile, Lisa began to understand more and more clearly that she did not have enough of a tiny creature that could be taken care of, but Andrei still believed that they would not be able to pull a child. First of all, it should be noted that there are some positive aspects in the Lysina situation, from which it will be possible to start later. First, the potential desire to become parents is in both spouses, ie, for the husband the idea of paternity is not knowingly negative. Secondly, we can say that communication in the family is not violated. The couple discuss the idea of pregnancy, the husband is ready to express his position and, what is important, clearly names the reasons that, from his point of view, do not allow them to have a child. That's why the further behavior of Lisa will depend on these reasons. In the described case, the husband calls a barrier to parenthood that is objective enough for a given family - material difficulties. These circumstances are real and in reality can complicate both the period of pregnancy, and the first time of life with the baby, so Andrew shows an adult and responsible position, postponing the birth of a child. As a true man, he strategically thinks over the future of the family, so his arguments should be heeded. However, such a situation is dangerous because in the modern world for the average family, material problems are not practically eliminated in one way or another. The desire of her husband to achieve a good career growth, to arrange the life of the family before starting children, is fully justified and understandable, but Lisa feels that their couple needs development, since together they have been for a long time. Therefore, in this case, the spouses can be advised first of all to discuss what it means to "not draw a child," whether this is really so or many of the blessings that Andrei has outlined are not so important for the baby and are secondary. For example, it would be good to have a stable job and a suitable apartment, even if detachable, to calculate the real costs associated with the appearance of another family member before the birth of the child ... But to delay the birth of a child before the purchase of a car is hardly logical. Lisa's task in this situation is to show what exactly they need for the child, and agree to wait until these goals are achieved, and also to convince her husband that everything else they have will also be, but with the baby.
"He always finds a lot of excuses"
Recently, in the family of Yana, small quarrels began to arise on the basis of future pregnancy: "Kostya constantly delays time. It seems that everything has already been decided, all the necessary analyzes have been completed, and even a healthy lifestyle is lead, but as soon as it comes to the decisive step, he always has some reason to wait. I can not bear this uncertainty any longer. " Most likely, in this situation, the man is not yet ready to become a father, therefore, claiming that he wants to have a child, and even taking remote steps in this regard (for example, medical research in planning a pregnancy), he constantly seeks many excuses, putting off pregnancy "on later". The reason for the search for plausible pretexts is the impossibility to express their true attitude to fatherhood because of the social condemnation of unwillingness to have children and in insufficient confidence in the relations of the spouses. Therefore, first of all, you can advise Yana not to put pressure on her husband, but gently push him to a confidential conversation, when he could psychologically relax and show his true attitude to the idea of the child, and not the accepted in society setting. Then it would become clear in what light he sees paternity, what moments he considers negative in the future pregnancy and life with the baby and what he will lose, in his opinion. It is not important for me to recognize for my husband the right to experience these negative feelings and the fact that he may not be ready to be a father now, we need to give him time to form this willingness. But the fact that the readiness for parenting formed faster, Yana may well contribute.
It is not necessary to put ultimatums and blame the husband daily: so his negative feelings will only strengthen. I do not need to show that her love for Kostya has not disappeared: "I realized what you're afraid of and that you are not ready for the birth of your child, and I'm glad that we found out. But I love you and I want a child from you and I hope that eventually you will change your mind. " I do not need to continue to develop the topic of children, gradually instilling confidence in my husband and creating a positive image of a future with my baby. It is not superfluous to pay attention to those quality Bones that would characterize him as a good father. Unpleasant and disturbing moments for the husband also need to be discussed, but not unfoundedly convincing him that "everything will be wrong", but giving examples of acquaintances, expert opinions, scientific data and precise calculations.
"He does not want a child"
For Igor, marriage with Natalia is the second attempt to create a family. They have been together for about five years, but so far Igor has been categorically reluctant to have children. For Natalia, this topic became especially painful after a visit to the doctor, who said that the chances of having a healthy child in her are fewer and fewer. "I know that Igor was originally against children, and before that I was happy with it. But now I understand that I really want a baby. I love my husband, but I do not know how to convince him ... "Usually the decision to give birth to a child is a natural desire of the couple at a certain stage of the development of relationships, when the" absorption "of each other is somewhat extinguished. Then the spouses feel the need for further development, the continuation of their love in the child. If, after a fairly long time after the formation of the family, one of the spouses is ready for the birth of the child, and the second does not want it, it is necessary to find out the reasons and try to find a compromise for further relations.
If initially both spouses planned joint children, but then the position of one of them (more often - men) changed, and in categorical form ("I do not want to have a child"), this may indicate a discord in the relationship. It often happens that a woman, unconsciously feeling the growing tension in the family, seeks to give birth to a child in order to strengthen the marriage, but a man who also reacts to changes in relations can not decide on such a step. In this case, the woman needs to understand that the child is not a means of solving the problem, and in the growing conflict situation, its appearance will only exacerbate the tension. First you need to establish relationships in the family, independently or with the help of specialists to restore a comfortable atmosphere, and then raise the issue of children.
In the situation of Igor and Natalia, the man pre-stipulated the moment of pregnancy planning and warned about his position, so he can not be accused of "deceiving expectations" or "destroying hopes." And first of all, Natalia should explain to her husband what has changed in her attitude to this issue, in addition to feelings, including objective facts, such as a doctor's conclusion. It is important to inform the man that they can lose the very opportunity to have a child, and how much it will be difficult for Natalia. If in this case Igor remains adamant, most likely, he has serious reasons for such a decision. Perhaps he knows about some of his unfavorable heredity, which can be passed on to the child, or had a painful experience of paternity and is afraid of repetition. In any case, Natalia can be advised to delicately find out the reasons for this position, not only for Igor himself, but also for his relatives, to try to find out the history of his previous marriage. It is important to reorient the husband from the position "I will not have children" in the position "I have reasons not to want a child", then these problems can be coped together. Natalia should talk with her husband not only about her desire to have a child, but also about his feelings, to convince him that she understands them and is ready to seek a compromise, but she hopes for the same understanding of her needs. Perhaps the couple should put off talking about children for a while, so as not to aggravate the conflict situation in the family, and at this time to visit specialists who could help understand the reasons for the unwillingness to have a child (psychologist, geneticist, family planning specialist). Also Natalia can be advised to ease the pressure on Igor, but ask him to go along with her to her doctor so that he can get the information "first-hand." The opinion of an authoritative expert may for the first time make a man doubt the correctness of his point of view. The main thing is to start the further resolution of the issue of children.
Basic Errors
Very often from women you can hear this phrase: "My husband does not want a child, how can I persuade him?" Here are a few principles that women should take into account in their behavior:
• It is important to try to understand what motivates your husband, accept him as he is, and show him your understanding.
• Do not threaten what will happen if the husband does not agree with you, it is better to draw a beautiful picture of the future that awaits you if he will meet you.
• Do not wait for instant results. It takes a person time that your position, initially alien to him, becomes his desire.
• Rigidity and categoricalness are bad helpers. Be flexible and look for compromises. It is important to find those points in which your interests coincide with your husband at least partially. For example, if your husband now dreams not of a child, but of a new car, consider this as preparing for the birth of a baby and arrange for the purchase of a family car. And even if your point of view with your husband about the child is radically different, for sure you are both interested in preserving and improving your relationship. Therefore, agree on a time limit for which you are ready to postpone plans for pregnancy. The birth of a child is a huge happiness and a huge responsibility, therefore, in order for pregnancy to give pleasure to both partners, and the child was born in love and harmony, it is worth to make considerable efforts! Now we know what to do if the husband does not want a child.