It is worth talking to family forums on the Internet about the father's instinct, and serious battles are played between visitors, mostly female. Moms are arguing that the most correctly describes the notion of a "good father", what qualities this person should possess, someone stands on the position that there is no paternal instinct and the popes begin to communicate with their offspring only when it becomes interesting (you can talk, play soccer, etc.) Other moms call this nonsense and talk with rapture about their own joint births, about how the newly-made father lovingly changed diapers from birth and without irritation got up at night to a tearful baby , HaVaYaH his precious sleep off one half of the shower position "Pope-getter", whose main task -. provide for the family, let alone cope with the child mother herself. Others do not think of family life without the help and support of the spouse in all endeavors: from domestic cares to issues of grooming. If such a distribution of roles is suitable for both spouses, there is nothing to argue about, as they say. But what if the situation does not suit one of the parties?
When will it ripen?
"When our Alyosha was born, I was in the seventh heaven with happiness," Nastya said. "And my husband seemed to be on the sidelines all the time." Will come home from work, eat dinner and go either to the computer or to the TV. I tell him about how our day and my son passed, he nods, but the conversation does not support. As if he is not interested. Recently I asked him to sit with Alyosha while I take a shower. After 5 minutes, he was already tapping at the door, because his son had dirty his diaper, and his father can not change it. "The situation when mothers are with an infant is called a one-on-one is not uncommon. It's enough to read all the same messages on the forums to understand this, but what to do? How to awaken the father's instinct in the newly-born father? Contrary to the widespread misconception, the father's instinct does exist, it manifests itself in ... protecting his offspring In other words, while you and your baby are not threatened , Dad is calm. the diaper, knowing the diaper, alas, does not apply to force majeures that threaten the life of a child, on the one hand, everything can be attributed to physiology, and try to change your attitude to the situation if you can not change it yourself. It's all your eyes, it's your hormones that are raging, and your maternal instincts are hammering all the rest, down to the instinct of self-preservation .This kind of sleeping crumbs you, touches its excellent appetite or good chair. And the husband can (has the right!) Not to share with you your delights, and not because he is an indifferent chump. Let him in his own way experience the happiness of paternity - in pride for his child, in the pleasure to contemplate his achievements, in the belief that you are a good mother and with you the baby is full, well-groomed and happy. Appreciate what the head of the family does for your overall well-being: provides a family, works (where, by the way, probably gets tired), cares about you and the baby.
Do not want to put up with such a balance of power? Act wisely. Begin slowly to pull together the daddy and the kid. And not by changing the diaper, but with much more pleasant things - trust the well-fed and happy dad to crumple daddy for communication for a while, let them play. At the same time, sit side by side and participate in the process yourself, being ready at any time to pick up the baton.
With all tenderness
"Our dad with the birth of Mashka has changed," says Ella. - The whole world now revolves around his daughter: Only I hear: and Mashenka ate? And what are you wearing her for a walk? Why do not you teach her to read? At the same time, the father himself studies books on raising children, he decides when to introduce complementary foods. My friends envy me, and I feel ... an appendage to my daughter. "Indeed, the heroine of the story seems to be happy, and she is unhappy - it turns out that her husband is too actively interfering in everything, leaving no room for maneuvering, and the other might have sighed with relief, shifting all caring for the child to the pope, but there it was, in this situation, some shift or even substitution of roles takes place.The pope, in addition to his direct paternal duties, also takes on the maternal ones, leaving the woman out of work If a woman before the appearance of a baby in this E plays the role of a child for her husband, but now it covers mixed feelings -. jealousy, the feeling of abandonment In addition, such a daddy's activity does not give the woman to fully feel the most like a mother Hence dissatisfaction happening..
Sometimes the daddy shows excessive custody and ... trying to please his wife. Psychologists believe that very gentle fathers are men with elevated levels of estrogen - female sex hormones. From the point of view of physiology, everything is true: there are hormones responsible for certain human manifestations, respectively, if these manifestations in human behavior are observed, then, and hormones in abundance. Of course, in any person, regardless of gender, there are both male and female hormones. Otherwise, "100%" women would be too soft and supple, and 100% men are too aggressive, because the question is not in the presence of hormones, but in their ratio. "The more female hormones in a man, the more feminine qualities are manifested in him. The happy families are obtained where the ratio of hormones in the pair is complementary: for example, with a caring dad, the householder is well-behaved by a mother-earner who is attuned to a career and earning a child neg (in other words, the male hormones in her abundant). To the modern world this exchange of roles is acceptable and common. Problems occur where the hormones are "distributed" evenly. For example, both parents want to be socially active, and so the mother, who after the birth of the child turns out to be "bound by the hand," begins to be burdened with her role, strives to ensure that the responsibilities are distributed evenly, from which mothers can often be heard: "This child and for me the first-born, I also do not know how to take care of him, but if I study, why should not the pope do it ?! " Having reached a compromise, everyone in this family takes turns: they take turns to stand up to the baby in the middle of the night, take turns to feed (if it's not about breastfeeding, of course), take turns walking. And money in the family budget is, as a rule, folded in half.
Let's sum up the results
Daddies, like mothers, are different, and it is simply unacceptable to sum them all together. The family is a living organism, and any changes in it must be oboyudozhelannymi. And, of course, if you stand on a position, "I'm out of criticism, and you, as always, an idiot," you do not have a good result. Look for compromises, go towards each other, and not shut yourself off. But first think about what type of pope you can include your head of the family.
• Dad is an earner. This dad works a lot and is at home a little. And when he appears, he is tired and his "it is better not to turn." If you want to have a quivering father and a sensitive husband next to you, you ... will have to change a man. And is it worth it? Not the fact that, having got such a companion in life or "Remaking" the already existing, you will be satisfied. After all, it may turn out that instead of earning money, dad would prefer to sit with you in the sandbox. And who then will provide for the family?
• Daddy-hen. He gently fiddles with the child, reads books, plays with him and talks about life for a long time. Any "hack-work" in the evenings and weekends, he undoubtedly will prefer family leisure.Without such a man you will always feel loved.If dad's earnings satisfy family needs and ambitions, then such a conjugal tandem can only be envied.This relationship is ideal for spouses, You should only make sure that your father does not replace your child.
• The alien father. He seems to be with you, but as if he does not understand anything. It is much more interesting to be with friends than in the family. Dad is always on the sidelines, and it can not be said that he is active in social life - he cares about the welfare of the family day and day. Such a model is often found among men who became fathers "involuntarily" - not having developed psychologically to paternity, being a child himself, a man resists, as it may, fallen to him responsibility.In other words, he simply runs away from her. Alas, this phenomenon is often found on our latitudes, and it is almost unknown in the West - where they get married late and have children only when they get ripe for it internally.What can you do in such an already existing situation? Try to help your spouse grow up. But not with reproaches, but on the contrary - with admiration What he does for you and the baby, say that you are happy for how caring and attentive he is, how he helps you (even if it is not so!). Having got used to the fact that he is the father for everything in the answer and perfectly with all this cope, the head of the family can become them and in practice.
• Dad is a child. Such a father with great pleasure is engaged in children, but only that. that fun and interesting to him. Play with the child? You are welcome! Yes, with pleasure! In a child daddy, as a rule, children do not like chaos, he organizes hikes, thinks up interesting games, allows you to eat candy with handfuls, and abolishes mother's punishment. and dad, and Dad - a person-holiday .On the one hand, it's great, the children have something fun, and on the other - it's unlikely that the "bad" mom will like it. Is it necessary to slightly correct the behavior of the pope, having agreed with him not to make a "bad cop" from my mother, and, perhaps, join their gay games? And everyone will be satisfied!
If dad lives separately
Sometimes it happens that the family disintegrates during the woman's pregnancy, or she plans to raise a child alone. How can we compensate a missing member of the family with a child in such a situation? First of all, we must accept this situation and do not treat it as something flawed. Being tormented by a sense of guilt in front of his own child because he grows up in an incomplete family, a woman lays a mine with a delayed effect in the relationship with the baby. First, feeling my mother's negative, a child already from the very youngest age can learn that something is wrong with him. Focusing on the situation itself, my mother as if tells the child: "We are not like everyone else." And if the separation from a man happened not at the will of a woman, then her negativity can be sustained by her own insults to her husband and claims to life. What can you do in this situation? Take for yourself the rule: a happy mother is happy and her child.If you treat the circumstances as a disaster, the child will perceive it the same way, because he looks at the world with your eyes. Yes, the situation Mr. is ideal, but this does not mean that you or your baby are in some way bad, just so it happened! Secondly, it's worth taking care of the fact that there are men in the environment of the child - grandfather, beloved uncle, your friends. model of behavior, soak up this part of life.Thus, his picture of the world will be formed holistic and correct.In this case, the sex of the child is not important.The presence of a man in the life of the child is also relevant for boys who learn from them to be men, and for girls, assimilating variants of interactions I am a strong half of mankind.