His and others'
Child surveys conducted in one of the Moscow schools showed that many living with their stepfathers speak of them even better than those with a full and family. And 20% of the children expressed a wish that their mothers would not drag along with divorce and find themselves "someone else", because they were tired of constant quarrels and tears. And yet it outweighs the percentage of dissatisfied children who want to return everything back, live with their dad and not hear from their parents the word "divorce." It is interesting that those who received a new dad before three years, absolutely sincerely consider him a native, even if they communicate with the real biological father. These children are probably the luckiest ones, because the "changing of the guard" took place at such an age when memory is guarding children's interests and erasing all negative, if such was. Simply put, they forgot their infancy, a man who married their mother, for them there is both childhood and adolescence, and if you're lucky, and youth. Older children, of course, will remember family rearrangements, and it depends only on adults how painful for them will be the transition from one pope to another. This group of children from three to seven is the most unprotected and, according to experts, the most vulnerable.
Daddy the opposite
Psychologists insist that the arrival in the family of a new member - for the child is always stressful. Old dad with a new dad is related only to sex (as a rule). Rarely is a mother looking for a new man in a clone of the old: a completely different person appears in the family, the exact opposite of the existing one. Moreover, my mother can radically change: she used to take the side of the child in all pedagogical disassembly. If she took her husband's side, they might not have divorced (a large percentage of divorces occur after the birth of the baby due to different views on his upbringing). Now mom is on the side of the new husband. Even if she does not speak out loud, she thinks something like this: "He took me with a strange child, it's hard for him, he needs to get used not only to this child, but also to convince me and my parents that he is no worse than her former husband. And he will not offend the non-child. " And my mother accepts the side of a new spouse, often unjust to a child who is not guilty of anything, did not participate in the casting of new popes, and did not give consent to the residence of someone else's uncle in the house. Psychologists say that such children often "go into themselves", they begin behavioral problems, which can be remedied only by a specialist. And this is also understandable: they get out of the fire and into the fire, from the eternal quarrels between Mom and Dad to the "betrayal" of Mom and the new uncle, who must be obeyed. But, fortunately, the percentage of such complicated relations with the "new pope" is small and accounts for the share of "disadvantaged families", where a low level of culture and low prosperity do not withstand the delicacy of the situation. Often grandfather and grandmother come to the rescue, who take their grandson to themselves for a while and give his mother to calmly deal with her personal life. This is not quite a pedagogically correct, but a vitally good option.
And the eternal battle
Older children, in whose eyes the above-mentioned family events occur, can behave quite aggressively. And this poses a certain threat to the repeated mother's marriage. Especially if the child is not bad about his father and does not want any changes. Specialists say that because of the rejection of the new mother's man, in 20 cases out of 100 this man does not get accustomed to a new family and leaves it during the first year of living together. "War" with a child of 9-10 years in most cases ends in a complete victory for the child. He can actually take revenge on Mom's "betrayal." This is how some of the interviewed children understand their role in trying to separate them from those they used to see at home in the evenings and with whom they spent their holidays. Even if there were often quarrels in the house, and even if the native father unjustly offended them, the children are on his side when they understand that his mother is going to part with him. Alas, these children's victories heavily respond to their health. Whenever the places of parents are changed, the endocrine system begins to rebel in children, often too much fullness appears, or the child, on the contrary, sharply grows thin. Children begin to get sick, the immune system changes them just as they have recently changed the stability of their habitual life. Pediatricians can talk for a long time about the health problems of children in such "dysfunctional" families. But how to be something? Everyone has the right to make mistakes, and mistaken marriages are a matter of everyday life. The question is how to protect the child from adult problems.
What to do to my mother
If the child is not more than three years old, try to make the "exchange of dads" as less as possible. Accustom the baby to a new member of the family gradually, without separating sharply from his father. Children matured have to explain something, but do not try to explain to the five-year-old thinker that "life is complicated, and everyone wants happiness." It's easier to say that "dad left" if the former spouse moved to another house. In this case, the infrequent appearance of a new mother's friend at the beginning will be regarded as the appearance of a friend and nothing more, and the chain will continue to painlessly build up: the pope comes and I go to him, and at home my mother's friend lives with us, he's having fun, and he's kind . But the "big" children can and should explain everything in an adult way, without trying to cheat and deceive. They will go to contact much more quickly if they see that they are mistaken for the equal and do not decide the fate of the family for them. And here it's important not to fall for the mentor's tone, for screaming and for insults. Your grown-up child has every right to know why he takes away the cozy corner of his childhood, why he should share the small meters of a city apartment with a stranger and yet incomprehensible to him. Naturally, not all children react so sharply to changes in the family, but almost every child experiences it. By the way, in those families in which the mother was always inclined to communicate with her child on an equal footing and was not lazy to explain the incomprehensible, the adoption of a new pope is much easier than when the child was not allowed into adult territory and insistently protected from non-child problems.
What should the new father do?
Much is said about the torments of my mother, who is going to tell her baby that another person will soon settle in the house, but few think about the feelings of an adult man trying on the role of the new pope. He, too, has a hard time! Not only does he come into the house with already established traditions and foundations, he still has to prove that he can be considered "his own." And how to do it? First, you need to clearly understand that he takes as his wife not just a woman, but a woman with a child. And if there is even the slightest doubt that he will love this child, you need to stop and think carefully. Secondly, act calmly. Real feelings are visible to the naked eye. If a child realizes that this person really loves his mother, he is unlikely to resist adult relationships. But if all the same the conflict between the new father and the child has arisen? Again, you need to behave with dignity: the child does not touch, do not climb into the soul and not be led to his provocative attacks. Take courtesy. Say hello, say good-bye, answer questions in a detached and skillful way to translate topics. Adults know how to do this, and a "harmful" child is just a child and it's quite possible to replay it. Such a policy is called disarmament policy. Sooner or later the baby will get tired of waging a cold war. Here it is possible to change the line of behavior and unobtrusively try to go on friendly relations, having learned during the time of communication, what he is interested in and what he is fond of. With some children, you can immediately switch to a friendly note and spend time almost more than with their mother, you just need to understand whether he is waiting for it or not. Children, including those who are harmful, are more simple-minded and more understandable than adults, so it is more difficult to find a common language with them, they have not yet learned adult diplomacy and do not double-talk. But this is their quality is wonderful for those who are going to live with them side by side, to become, if not a replacement for their own father, then just a good friend and adviser. You need to be patient and understand that the marriage in which the "ready-made child" is waiting for you is not so simple and waiting for miracles is meaningless. They need to create themselves.