Is not it true that you in your life have met such women who say from time to time that they left their husbands, but their strengths last for a week or two, or even less, and they, like criminals returning to the crime scene, again find themselves close to their faithful? And you just have to wonder why such a lady holds onto a drinking subject, raising her hand, having connections on the side and also losing all the meager salary, playing poker.
You probably will remember that if not uvas, so your mom has such a friend who periodically nazvanivaetpredy nights to report on dramatic events in her life, asks to spend the night, but it is worth her husband to be on the threshold with a bouquet of flowers and something promises, she immediately returns to the arms of the faithful.
Okay else, if this situation happens for the first time, but if the husband for the seventh time in the last two years promises your girlfriends to get a new job, go to the sea or break all ties with a slyubovnitsey, but constantly breaks the word, is it worth supporting such "lovers" and delving into their problems, some of which many are charging the insect? And is it even possible to understand why this is happening and try to give an acquaintance of a woman some kind of effective advice that will help if to solve her problem, at least to reach a new level of understanding?
So, for what reasons are smart, beautiful and quaintly prospective ladies holding onto their second halves, which have long ceased to be a soul?
But what if he changed all the same?
Many women are confident that they will be able to influence the fate and character of a person even without his own desire. As a result, these ladies, trying to raise her husband, fall into the trap: they think that it is worthwhile to put a little more effort and time and everything will change. The husband at the same time from the sofa of the domestic animal, except for the remote from the TV, sports pants with sagging knees and beer nothing more recognizing, suddenly becomes a smart book and it will be a pleasure to accompany his wife to the theater. A domestic tyrant, who does not live a woman or his own children, oppressing thempsihologicheski and raising their hands on them, will turn into an ideal man who will be support and support.
And such a lady, painstakingly portraying herself as an all-powerful fairy, climbs out of her skin, and there have been no miraculous changes, either, or not. Of course, it is impossible to call such a situation completely hopeless, but changes in men can only happen in the process of reassessing one's own values, like children, it has nothing to do with it. But even if your husband decides to change for the better, it is worth remembering that ideal people do not exist in nature.
In the worst case scenario, a woman will be in a stressful situation all the time and it is worth considering if such relationships are necessary at all. Those who are familiar with the works of the famous psychiatrist Eric Berne, know that this type of behavior is called "the wife of an alcoholic". In this case, the woman is genuinely indignant that her husband uses alcohol, does not work, plays gambling, takes drugs, regularly raises her hand, etc., but in every case of his husband's inappropriate behavior tries to find an excuse for him. Raised his hand - it means that his wife cooked a tasteless dinner, lost all the money in the casino - probably the boss saws at work. Ithaca system of relations can take root in the family for a long time. For the same, to leave the vicious circle, one of the partners must drastically change the chain of identical events.
Fear of being alone
Often, men who perform the role of domesticated women act on the female psyche by statements such as "Whoever paid attention to you except me", "I picked you up on the side of life and made a man out of you", "Are you that girl? Look how old you are, how you look. Do you think someone will pozaritsya on you ?! ". And my friends, it seems, have conspired with a cold-hearted husband and they blow one pipe, that you will need someone, if you become a single woman.
On the one hand, in our country, indeed, middle-aged women are much larger than men, and on the other - to the lonely ladies of our society there is also a traditional negative-compassionate attitude. So if such a woman goes, say, to celebrate the New Year with her friends, then most likely, others will come accompanied by their spouses and will look askance at a possible rival who was freed from the yoke of her husband-tyrant.
And what are the complaints of parents, girlfriends and other close people to the fact that a single woman will not have anyone to turn to for help in solving small domestic problems and filing for divorce, she will no longer be able to count on the fact that her husband will hang up shelves in the bathroom, repair the broken meat and a cutlet carry a bag of potatoes from the market. At the same time, few people think that sparing a spouse, a woman, perhaps, will get rid of the duty to cook soups, to think what to cook for dinner. A nail, clean the clogged sewage system or repair the meat can also be done by an employee of the agency that provides services such as "men's hour".
Even if a woman is afraid that if she is divorced by a couple, she can no longer arrange her personal life, one must think whether she is worthy of some stereotypes imposed by society or prejudices, to tolerate the antics of the faithful? If you can not make an obvious decision, you can take a sheet of paper and detail the advantages and disadvantages of the man who is at the moment nearby. Well? Does he have a lot of poles?
Self-esteem below the plinth
Whenever patience is running out, women who endure the unbecoming behavior of their husbands decide that it's time to end this disgrace. But each time his black business is underestimated self-esteem, because the lady starts to doubt whether she will live without her faithful. Yes, yesterday he was inadequate, having drunk too much, threatened to maim, all this was seen by the children. But today, after all, he is quieter than water, below the grass, tearfully asks for forgiveness from everyone, promises that this was the last time and he was already at the beginning of the path, at the end of which to become an ideal husband and father.
Is it possible not to believe in such solemn oaths that no normal person can seem to violate? In this case, if it comes to a normal man, then the above situations should not arise in principle.
But why do women suffer such attacks, forgiving the mans many times?
The fact is that most of our complexes are located in childhood. This is especially true for low self-esteem. Such a self-confident woman who was brought up by parents who rarely praised a child was criticized for any reason, compared his achievements with the successes of other children, for example, classmates, neighbors, older brothers or sisters. Growing up, such girls can not adequately assess their own merits, they do not believe that they can apply for the best, and the opinion of others around them is much more important than the one.
Guilty without guilt
Women with this approach to life are constantly concerned that the negative attitude of a man they provoke themselves. My husband was naughty, which means I did not turn to him, I hit him, I myself am to blame, I deserve such an attitude.
Here it is worth remembering that both partners are to blame for any incident - it's almost never the case that one is guilty, and the other is only forced to act in a certain way and in no other way. Remember that in the conflict one acts as a provocateur, that is, an aggressor, the other is forced to defend himself . Men, accustomed to living in such a situation, will try with all their might to cultivate in their wives a sense of guilt, thereby trying to justify themselves and remove the feeling of guilt for improper behavior. In fact, a domestic tyrant feels himself the prince of justice, and the victim is attached to him even more through guilt.
This situation is also often a child from childhood, when in order to win the attention, disposition and love of parents or other older relatives, it was necessary to prove by all means that the child is worthy.
Advantageous cooperation
Sometimes, looking at the futile relationship of everyone, the psychologists clearly see that the reasons for the fact that a woman can not always leave a man is rather banal. For example, it can be a different kind of dependence: from emotional, sexual to banal material.
Moreover, some are quite satisfied with the role of the victim. Not figuring out the situation, many are puzzled, what benefits can the lady, who is in the role of the constantly oppressed half, have? If you dig a little deeper, you can clearly see that unhappy women in marriage can count on the support of society, they are pitied by more successful friends. Over time, this situation turns the relationship into an unhealthy union, in which the wife does her best to show how she tries to make a man out of her husband, tries to find him a better job, scandals and persuades him when he takes alcohol, but this does not give any results. As a result, a woman gets used to the fact that all around her they feel sorry for her and this turns into a kind of psychological dependence.
Another factor that does not allow toss the spouse, can be the usual material benefit. Many are ready to put up with the husband's sizmen, his disregard for nothing just to not change the habitual way of life, to receive expensive gifts that the spouse gives to redeem his guilt. True, we should not forget that such relations are exhausting emotionally, and sooner or later one will have to think about what is more important: some privileges, for example, the opportunity to fly to Paris for the weekend or the jeopardy of health and equilibrium.
Dependence on sex
Sexual dependence is one of the types of emotional attachments. Women who fall into this trap sincerely believe that no one but a real sexual partner can understand so deeply her intimate needs and fully satisfy them. On the one hand, it can be associated with a large number of partners with whom a woman had sexual contacts in past relationships, which means she has something to compare her husband with. On the other - to break such a union and relieve the burdensome burden does not give low self-esteem. As a result, whatever a man does, the most ridiculous excuses are invented for his actions, and he, in his turn, is sure that treason, assault, drinking and other offenses will be forgiven him and he will once again be able to return home and continue the relationship as if nothing happened .
Children should grow up with their father
A stereotype about what the father should have is his own father and whatever his attitude to his wife and his offspring, it is better to live in a full family than with one mother or stepfather, there was a Soviet era when it was proclaimed that marriage should be one and on all life. In this situation, the woman acts as a victim, investing all the time and effort in raising children and hoping that in the future they will be able to appreciate all that she has done for them. But the paradox is that the weird heirs, seeing what kind of relations reign in the family, at the very best, ask the parents to divorce themselves, at worst - they lock themselves in themselves, gaining a lot of money.
It should be noted that each family is individual and a woman can hold on to unpromising relationships for one of the reasons listed above, and be bound by the totality of factors at the feet. Naturally, such dependencies are exhausting, making a woman nervous and irritable, and in case she herself can not decide how to act in the situation that has been put in her family, it will be superfluous to consult a family psychologist or psychotherapist. Of course, I hope that after the first reception in your hands there will be an effective instruction for solving all family problems, but you can help you understand the situation and resolve the situation.