Researchers from Oxford confirmed: women really speak more men. We pronounce 20 thousand words a day against their meager average of 13 thousand. I wonder why with such an acknowledged talent, it's still difficult for us to say "about this" with our man?
Most likely, because during the day we hold several negotiations, we manage to discuss the personal life of our mutual friends at dinner with a friend, and in general we do not let out the telephone receiver from our hands, solving the shaft of various questions. It is not surprising that by the evening, being in bed, we have neither the strength nor the words to speak about the most personal. Such an explanation would be quite useful, if not for one "but": even when we had a rest, we still do not find words suitable for discussing intimate life. So what are the words you need to talk about sex?
The theory of three calm
Probably, the genius Lomonosov tried in vain, when he created his theory and thought out which set of language tools would be better suited to this or that situation. Despite the fact that his contribution to the development of the literary language is invaluable, he has not benefited from oral speech. Well, there is no such means in the great and mighty, thanks to which we all could calmly discuss the difficulties of an intimate character.
However, experts in the field of psychotherapy believe that the people unconsciously invented their "three calm", thanks to which we at least try to voice each other's desires. We are forced to use either medical terms, or courtyard vocabulary, which is rather rude. Not quite a worthy alternative to these options - the so-called language of women's novels. It's ridiculous to imagine: here you two are, the evening, the muffled light, the romantic atmosphere. And then he says: "Honey, I'm worried that our sexual acts have become less passionate and more rare." And you say: "Yes, my cave for some reason no longer wants to take your jade rod." Attempts to at least somehow soften the clumsiness of such speeches, as a rule, lead to the same result: you begin to lisp, and this manner of communication, frankly speaking, not even all babies like what to say about adults.
Why not ?
Not only is it difficult for us to find the right word, there are other factors that in principle prevent us from talking about sex. Contemporary society sends conflicting signals: many erotic scenes are shown on TV and on the Internet, while it is difficult to find a film or series whose characters would discuss intimate life in an open with each other. Directors and producers seem to be broadcasting a message to us: you can do it, you can not talk.
The topic of sex is really taboo, even if we manage to find the right words, we are not likely to dare to say them out loud. In the West, public attention is attracted to this problem: the appearance of "Vagina monologues" is not accidental. We continue to remain silent and faithful to traditions.
Those lucky people who do not care about public opinion are experiencing a different kind of difficulties. So, one of the main reasons preventing the couple from conducting a dialogue about sexual life is a stop in the development of relations. Some lovers at first are cautious in words, afraid to offend each other. As the convergence approaches, fear usually passes, but sometimes couples get stuck at this stage. And, sometimes become indifferent not only to sexual issues, but also to the emotional life of each other. Over time, such an alliance risks becoming formal.
Talk about sex and prevents perfectionism. This illness of the heroes of our time influenced self-esteem, peace of mind, and now it also puts happiness in private life under attack. People are afraid that by remaining themselves, they will not be so interesting to the partner. For example, men are afraid that they do not always want and, accordingly, can. And they develop a syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure. In women, however, interest in sex decreases, and with time, even disgust may develop. While we were not interested in such prospects from going to the monastery, we urgently ask specialists: what to do?
A difficult dialogue is much easier to conduct with an emotionally close person. Therefore, the first thing that sexologists recommend is to learn to open each other. Lovers can get close, telling the other half not only about how the day went, but also if they share secrets. Even secrets from childhood will do. As trust increases, the tension in the pair, in most cases, decreases.
And only after you have gained confidence, you can start creating your personal sexual dictionary. Precisely because none of the tools offered by our language is suitable for discussing an intimate life, each pair must find the right words by trial and error. Mastering the language of love is a creative task. It is important not only to create your own definitions, but also to fill them with meaning and emotions that only two of you understand. On the one hand - it's interesting, on the other - it's quite difficult to perform, because there is no ready-proven algorithm. But let it still does not scare you. As in any small group, certain slang is automatically formed, and your sexual "memes" will appear in your pair over time. The main thing is not to avoid the problem, do not soak it only because it is difficult to find the words. And if possible, treat sexual conversations as easily as possible. After all, only artisans are seriously engaged in their business - they have a ready mechanism, a template, which they follow. We need to be as open as possible, understanding, careful with respect to a loved one, so that we can gradually learn to talk about sex, and then start to understand each other at a glance. By the way, this usually happens, scientists from the University of Missouri found: married people can say without words about their desires and intentions to each other.