The reasons why you can not refuse
1. Fear that a person is offended or angry
Most often, we do not know how to deny people because of this fear. Only it is not clear what a person should be offended: by your employment or the desire to relax, etc.? Believe me, you will be understood if you clearly explain the reason for the refusal.
2. Fear that you will no longer be loved, respected or just treated well
Honestly, this situation can happen, but only when you try to manipulate. So, to fulfill the desire of another, to succumb to provocation. Do you really need this? It's better to spend free time on yourself: get rid of complexes and feelings of insecurity.
3. The axiom learned in the childhood: to refuse the help - roughly and rudely
It's one thing when an old neighbor asked to run to the store for groceries, because it's hard for her to walk, and quite another - when a colleague at work tries to shift her part of the work to you. It is clear that in the first case it is a matter of conscience, and in the second case a vivid example of manipulation. In a word, you need to understand well in which cases your help is really needed.
4. The fear to say "no" is sometimes imposed by the society itself
Ask yourself two very simple questions: how often do you ask for the service of others and ask at all? Are there people in your environment who do anything only as a service for a service? Having answered them, think about whether you should be so afraid of refusing. Maybe you generally rely on yourself in all cases, but people who help only in return for something, why they are needed at all. Do not succumb to the manipulation of society, do not be afraid: there will always be people ready to help for no reason.
5. The position of a person with a low self-esteem is this: the needs and desires of others are more important than mine
In this case, ask the question: "Why can not I deny people? Is my business so petty and insignificant?" Most likely, you just need to accept yourself as you are and understand your own importance to the people around you.
Effects
But whatever the cause of fail-safe behavior with other people, remember: nothing good will come of it. First, you forcibly force yourself to do what you absolutely do not want. And, as you know, if you work in any kind of coercion, you will not get any positive charge of energy and useful skills. After its end, you will find a strong fatigue and a feeling of complete devastation.
Secondly, constantly indulging the desires of other people, you risk becoming a victim. This means that soon your surroundings will get used to impose their work, interests, point of view, overwhelm with requests and favors. In a word, he will try to manipulate. And the result will take for granted. But it's only half the trouble, worse, if a person intentionally becomes a victim. His logic usually boils down to a simple thought that fits in one sentence: let everyone be happy, let them not appreciate me now, they will understand when they lose. This is such pride that elevates a person above all others.
Thirdly, a constant sense of guilt. As often happens, you give a promise, which due to some circumstances you can not fulfill. As a result, you have to lie, dodge, hide. All this leads to one - a sense of guilt, in front of yourself and others, not to mention the spoiled relationship with a person.
Fourthly, much to our regret, more often than not faultless person gets reputation of unreliable and loses trust of associates to himself. And all because he can not and does not know how to refuse directly and clearly. Instead, he promises to fulfill the request, and then hides, bringing such a person's behavior.
How to learn to deny
It is still possible to learn how to correctly deny a petitioner his constant requests. To begin with, it should be understood that you are simply manipulated, that is, they are used for their own purposes. Remembering this fact, you can safely answer "no" without fear of offending a person, and do not get excited with a sense of guilt for it. Do not forget that you have the absolute right to refuse. Just like another person you can not forbid asking for a favor or help. But it's up to you to decide what to say: "yes" or "no." And remember, the closer and dearer the person, the more mild will be the refusal. So, you need to be able to refuse. So where do you start?
1. Aloud, loudly and clearly, say the word "no" several times. Do this until it becomes familiar to you.
2. Model and scroll in your imagination situations in which you find it difficult to answer "no." But only with the difference that you are not afraid to refuse the applicant and do not make excuses. And simply inform the interlocutor that you will not be able to help him.
Z. For the purpose of training, start with trivialities. Pay attention to simple and insignificant situations in which you can say "no" gently but surely. In the future this will help to make the right decision in more difficult situations.
How to refuse correctly
1. First, show your interlocutor your attitude to the request. It can be a variety of emotions, from irritation to regret. You still do not refuse, but show your feelings to your partner and explain what exactly does not suit you. This is an excellent preparation for a person to refuse without prejudice to his self-esteem.
2. Say no. Clearly explain the reason for the refusal.
3. The main purpose of the refusal is the opportunity for you at this time to do the right thing for you. Think about it and offer the applicant an alternative solution to the problem. This will help you avoid unnecessary hassle, and people will see that you are not indifferent to his problems.
4. Be sure to listen to your partner, do not interrupt him.
5. If, after the above arguments, you still did not change your decision to refuse correctly, repeat your idea anew, only taking into account the words of the interlocutor. Again, name all the reasons why the request will not be executed, consistently and aggressively.
Learning to deny people is very important. So you will gain time and energy, which you can spend on yourself, you will be able to maintain good relations with surrounding people, to receive deserved respect.