7 rules of marriage without marriage

Most girls naively believe that their ultimate goal is to get married. But for sure rummaging in your head, they will understand that they were not so much striving for a stamp in their passports as for a long and happy life in marriage. But who said that "on the other side" will be easier than in free from marriage ties ties? But the devil is not so terrible as he is painted. There are several rules, observing which you can keep and strengthen your relationship with your husband. Let's compose them into the seven postulate.


Theory about the phases of love

Do you remember how your knees buckled before each date, what kind of fire kindled unexpected and long-awaited sex, as one would like not to depart from the partner for a minute, but to hold his hand round the clock? Yes, yes, early or late sharpness of all these feelings fades, but not because the love has passed and it has not become less, you just came to the end of the first phase. This was the "symbiosis" phase.

The next stage, which is one of the decisive in the possibility of the future of your relationship - this is the phase of distancing. Men are slightly distanced, restoring their former relationship with friends or pursuing their favorite hobby. It is important to realize that he had his own life before you, just like your friends were with you. And he does not have to cross out his whole life, because you will not be able to become a full-fledged replacement for a male company (even if you learn everything about football). Leash, which you already imperceptibly threw on the neck, should not be too short - so you will not achieve anything. Women, in fact, do the same thing, only by other methods - they begin to quarrel with an adolescent or excommunicate him from the body, that is deny sexual intimacy.

Then begins a real war for power in the family (and incidentally, the establishment of rules and boundaries). The main characteristic of this phase is the desire of both partners to autonomy and the formation of personal space. Unfortunately, at this stage, some couples come to a decision that it's time to finish the relationship. Others stay together, but they do not leave the thought that in any moment they are ready to break these bonds, this moment may not come, but live the start-ups , carefully collected by the subconscious, does not deliver pleasure. Thirdly they consider once a loved one as a rival, who must necessarily win, having proved his authority and having established his domination. To moderate pride, the main weapon is compromise and diplomacy.

Mergence and distance, dependence and autonomy, intimacy and fear, the possibility of betrayal and the feelings associated with it: jealousy and shame - all these phases fit into the natural cycle. No matter how different we were, as a rule, all relations go along one planned path. And each of these phases is necessary for the partners to reach the next level of relations.

What to do: the crisis is for everyone - do not be afraid to shout and argue. Emotions, in a reasonable amount, are good. The main thing, remember that a cry is just an attempt to be heard, but no way of expressing a negative opinion about a partner. Do not use tenentormative vocabulary, try to do without mutualobeds and do not even dare to say "you do not love me, since you behave yourself", do not threaten to leave and do not offer to leave. What is said in the hearts, can come against you. Disputes and quarrels - this is normal! Spore on health.

Woman, she and Africa woman

At the beginning of the relationship, both the man and the woman blossom, because they feel that they are desired and loved. This is not strange, because communicating with the second half, they receive compliments, as a confirmation of their femininity or masculinity. And your blossoming attractiveness is noticed not only by the partner, but also by the surrounding ones, so self-esteem grows in leaps and bounds. But the contemporary passionate admiration of the beloved is becoming less and less, the passion is gradually subverting - in the end, it goes to self-esteem. At this point, girls need to be strong. Do not beg yourselves for compliments. Remember that the recognition of your attractiveness should be well deserved, not reclaimed.

What to do: do not leave your sex appeal and attractiveness only for the beloved. Force yourself to use what nature has given you. Nobody pushes you to polygamous attitudes, but light flirting (stress on the word "easy"), shots with eyes, dresses that emphasize your sexuality, must necessarily be present in your life. Going out to people, show that you are still in the game, but at the same time your team already has a partner. Remind your loved one that you are still a woman, even if engaged in it, but still like other men. The main thing is not to overdo it.

We prioritize: first, "I", then "We"

If you think of yourself rather as a half of the whole, called "We", then in these relations, the part is dependent. The more you feel that you do not have life without your partner, the more you are jealous, the stronger your second half feels that he was tied up with strong ropes and wants to get out of the home "prison" (and sometimes all dreams are not limited to). Everything can be and waste to the contrary - your partner without you can not take a step, so that you always feel that you are on a short leash.

What to do: there is nothing bad in the equation "I" + "I" = "We". That's only in contrast to the mathematical analogue in your example from the permutation of the places of the terms, much can change, and for the better. Believe me, the expression "everything has to be decided by a man" can not be taken in such a literal way, just like the expression "I'll deal with everything myself." "We" makes sense only when it really is two people, not one that expresses an opinion, and the other who agrees with him.

It's wonderful that you and your spouse have built their relationships so that they could become not only lovers but also friends, but from time to time it is necessary to tear up your "we" and find support on the side, it is, of course, your own circle of communication .

Your husband is not psychic

There is such a woman's attitude "If he loves me, then he knows me well enough to guess what I need." It is known where the feet of this expression come from, and from where the rest of the "vanilla" comes from - romantic comedies. Girls, remember, your spouses do not have extrasensory abilities, he does not know how to read minds, but it's difficult to understand you, sometimes even to yourself, not like your men. Especially acute is the problem of misunderstanding in the sexual life of partners. When, fearing to offend one's halfwoman do not say that something is being done not quite as they would have wanted. Because of patient silence, as a result, women begin to "hurt their head", and men "get tired at work". As a result, the intimate part of the relationship is ruined.

What to do: it's easy to talk here. But to talk not about what you do not like, but about what you like. Offer your options, listen to what your partner says. As soon as one of you starts to open and the second will also support the relay race. Why should not we begin first? In no case do not turn this conversation into a statement of the claims, let it take place not in the format of the "Complaint Book", but in the style of "Suggestions and wishes".

Put the rake in the corner

After analyzing all the quarrels with your husband, you will notice that they all develop according to the same scenario. When a couple scandals, the mannerisms of the spouses are the same. As a rule, only the cause of the quarrel changes. Quite often, starting, for example, with unwashed dishes, in the course are prohibited methods, such as: "Do you remember last summer ...". You start to list those sins of a friend of yours, which already became a reason for a quarrel, and it seemed that this problem had already been solved, but no, you again returned to it. No one else can so "prick" a word, like a loved one, and all because he knows how to beat. The development of such a quarrel is quite predictable - we are "exploding", and then also angry with ourselves for having allowed ourselves to react to provocation.

What to do: by and large, a quarrel is just an excuse for attracting the attention of a spouse, a way to achieve his love. In this situation, you need to turn to the eastern philosophy, which says that the best fight is the one that did not start. Remember that during a quarrel the strong one is not the one who is loud, but the one who managed to keep calm. Refuse the usual version of the unfolding of events - do not attack. Do not try to prove your rightness at the time when it is already said a lot, because your voice is lost in mutual rebukes. Listen to what your man wants to tell you, then to force him to listen to you.

Thoughts away, turn on the feelings

Woe from Wit. We tend to constantly analyze everything and think about it in other words - to wind ourselves. This is fine, but only while the matter goes to personal life. On the one hand, there is nothing wrong with the fact that in your life all aspects are perfectly organized and laid out on the shelves, but on the other, forgetting to switch to the senses mode, during closeness you become like a machine.

What to do: rational thinking can completely kill all romance in a relationship, so sometimes, when the logical conclusions push you to a particular solution, stop. Breathe deep, let your thoughts free, let the brain for a moment relax. And now think again, only by another body - the heart. If your "love", "appreciate", "understand" can cross out all rational arguments, then this is the only correct decision.

This is your choice and you will live with it

Sometimes, during a family crisis, you look at your spouse and think: "And where were my eyes when I chose it." This is the moment when all the most wonderful and bright things that were in your relations evaporate. Quite often at the same time, friends begin to add fuel to the fire, repeating one voice "while we said."

What to do: mentally sit in the "time machine" and return at a time when you were up to your ears in love with this person who is now snoring funny while lying with you in bed. Recollect, than he vastogda bewitched. Save this feeling and return with it now!