Love is, of course, a wonderful feeling. But, as practice shows, the form (married or not) ultimately proves to be more important than the content. This is one of the most painful women's themes, which we discuss with fervor with my friends and mothers who are worried about the fate of their beloved daughters. It's time to figure out whether the merits and dangers of civil marriage are exaggerated. Let's turn to the leading psychologists for advice.
Marriage is a good thing
First let's define the terminology. The word "marriage", contrary to common jokes on this subject, comes from the verb "to take". Of course, obligations are implied. In "witnesses" God is called (in the church), the state (in the registry office) and significant people in the life of the couple - relatives, friends, colleagues. Such a "system of approval from above" plays an important social function, like any ritual - whether it be enrolling in pioneers or awarding a diploma. From the age of 3 a person realizes that he is built into a certain relationship with the outside world. Our self-esteem is also a reflection of what is being encouraged in society and what is not. That is why there is a tradition to celebrate the wedding as widely as possible, meaning, on the one hand, the approval of society, and on the other - the public imposition of responsibility. The higher the status of a person, the more "obligatory" he should be in marriage. That's why there are no single or divorced presidents. And everyone understands why. But most of us are ordinary people, and the issue of registering a relationship causes internal contradictions.
So what do we consider a marriage? When a man and a woman live together, they share a household and ... love each other. But it happens that after a while, when all the passions are extinguished, we suddenly notice that the partner is too short for the Ideal suit and it is impossible to put up with the revealed shortcomings! In this sense, civil marriage is an excellent option. You can check how comfortable you are with each other emotionally, in everyday life, sex, etc. And without complex paper red tape to disperse to find their true happiness. And if everything suits, then the main thing is the feeling, the formal formal marriage - it's the tenth thing! A wonderful and honest scheme, is not it? But experts note that, with all the convenience of such relations, "civil wives" are much more worrisome than "legitimate" ones. The term of 4 years is considered critical for civil marriage. Cause? We will try to consider the typical difficulties (but we do not exclude that a civil marriage can become the basis of a happy family).
Women's Logic
At the physiological and psychological level, the woman is designed to be given to a man. And she needs guarantees that she invests not just. The future must be traced. In a civil marriage, the final is open, as in Eugene Onegin. Freedom in relations is proclaimed. Freedom as a shield from "bytovuhi." But after all, in fact, the couple still have to organize a common life, just as in a registered marriage, decide who will wash the dishes, take out the garbage ... As a result, there is one interesting thing: the partners avoid investing in their life and comfort. The question is whether to buy a new iron, not to mention the big expenditure - the car, the apartment - hangs in the air. From a legal point of view, too, there is no guarantee that your property rights will not be protected by the Family Code. And for years the couple can live as students, trying not to think about tomorrow. The second difficulty is freedom as an unconscious opportunity to simultaneously "taste" other partners. After all, the point is not set, will the "same" person suddenly appear? (In a registered marriage adultery is also enough, but there sex on the side is more likely to be considered an "outlet" rather than a search for the second half). As a rule, in a civil marriage, one of the partners feels "free", and the other is afraid to hear a reproach: "You push too hard on me!" For the reasons described above, the weak link is more often the girl.
Men's logic
So why do men not rush to the crown? It is unlikely that the mass of infantile modern macho - old bachelors is not so much. And men who chose civil marriage as an alternative to official marriage, still officially marry (though not always in their "civil" spouse). Yes, he is satisfied with "everything as is". And he, frankly, would not like to change anything. But he has serious fears that for his beloved girl after the wedding "everything will change." Before the wedding, the girls are inventive - stockings, candles, from the relations bleeds with freshness, albeit with uncertainty. (It is noticed that married ladies watch themselves less than they do before the wedding, and are less anxious about "romance"). In our country, the stereotype is still in full blossom: a woman-wife is more like a mother-woman (for good reason, we often call males "children" in conversation with my friends and mothers). The mother-wife, like her own mother, will constantly educate him, imposing a sense of guilt. The second trouble is this tedious wedding ceremony, when the beloved and her mother want to play "groom-and-bride-tili-tili-dough". The question arises: "What does she really need - to show everyone that she is finally married, or am I still?"
Why is he categorically against marriage?
Children's experience always plays a decisive role. Mother, please note! The causes of fear of official marriage among men on your conscience!
1. Lack of stability. It's not just about the constant scandals in the family, but also about when parents, not in conflict, live their own, separate from each other and the child's life. In both cases, the boy may develop uncertainty that he really needs someone and is able to win deep affection. From such a guy you can often hear: "Go to mommy!" It's easier for him to predict the collapse of a relationship than to worry that one day a girl "will see what I really am."
2. Hyperopeka. Many mothers are too authoritarian, they are sure that the son needs not only to control, but also to do a lot for him, trying to find out his thoughts and feelings. In adulthood, he has a fear that the love and care - even the most beautiful girl on earth - can swallow him whole, depriving him of the independence that he has so long won.
3. Coldness. It happens that mothers do not devote much time to their child, they are not always at home, and the grandmother brings up the boy. Mom is cold and demanding. Since he does not have the opportunity to communicate closely with his mother, he can split the image of his beloved woman, which no real girl can match. That's why then he will be in the eternal search for his princess.