The disintegration of the family is always the hardest stress for the couple. Imminent scandals, endless clarification of relationships, mutual accusations and reproaches - all this can not but affect the psyche of adults. But especially difficult situation becomes if the family has children. How do children experience the divorce of their parents? And what should we do to minimize their anxiety and relieve them of suffering? Discuss it? ..
HOW TO SAY?
Probably the very first question that parting spouses ask psychologists: how to tell a child about divorce? After all, to make sure that the psychological trauma inflicted on the baby was experienced by him in the best way is very, very difficult. Of course, there is no universal prescription, but there are a number of techniques, the use of which can significantly affect the emotional atmosphere in the family.
❖ Be calm and do not engage in self-deception. Your nervousness can "infect" an already distressed child. Whatever emotions you experience, you should not transfer them to the baby. After all, in the end, the decision to divorce was taken, including in order to improve the life of the child.
❖ It will be optimal if both parents talk with the child at the same time. In the event that this is not possible, you should choose the one from the parents whom the child trusts as much as possible.
❖ If you can talk to your child about divorce before you really divorce, be sure to do so.
❖ Do not lie in any way. Of course, the information given to the child should be strictly dosed, but at the same time sufficient to ensure that the baby does not have room for imagination.
❖ One of the most important tasks is to explain to the child that the relationships in the family have changed and are no longer the same as they were before. This will help alleviate the trauma inflicted on the baby. It is necessary that the child understand: the reason for the changes in the relationship between the parents does not lie in him. The majority of children suffer from a complex of guilt, having decided that their mother and father are leaving because of themselves, and only such frank conversation will help to avoid this problem.
❖ It is important that the child knows that the responsibility for the divorce lies with both the mother and the father. Constantly use the pronoun "we": "We are guilty, we could not agree with each other, we can not restore relations." If one of the spouses, for example, dad, goes to another woman, it is necessary to explain to the child why this is happening.
❖ No mutual charges! You can not persuade a child to his side, thereby dragging him into conflict. At first this behavior may seem very convenient (Dad abandoned us, he himself is to blame), but in the future it will inevitably lead to undesirable consequences.
❖ It is necessary to inform the child that your divorce is final and irrevocable. This is especially important in the case of children of preschool and primary school age. The kid should know that divorce is not a game and nothing will return to its former place. From time to time, the kid will return to this topic, and each time you have to explain to him again, until the interest in what happened is not exhausted.
LIFE AFTER DIVING
The hardest period in the life of the family is the first six months after the divorce. According to statistics, 95% of children in Russia remain with their mother, that's why she has the lion's share of all worries and problems. After the divorce, the mother, as a rule, is in a state of grave crisis. But in doing so, she needs not only to pay attention to the child, but also to try to solve many other pressing and important problems, for example, housing or financial. It is now necessary to be strong, gathering nerves in a fist, regardless of all external circumstances. She has to be strong, because worrying children the divorce of parents will undoubtedly be difficult. And it is necessary, whenever possible, to avoid the most common mistakes that can occur at this time, namely:
ERROR: Mother falls into despair and shares her feelings and pain with the child, crying out her grievance.
RESULT: For your part, this behavior is unacceptable. A child can not understand your experiences by virtue of his age and, most likely, simply decides that it is he who is to blame for your troubles.
HOW TO BE: Do not be ashamed to accept help from strangers - close friends and friends, your parents or just acquaintances. If you do not have the opportunity to speak out, start a diary or use the free helplines for women who are going through a divorce.
ERROR: Mother tries to replace her father's child, "working for two." She often tries to be stricter than usual. This option is especially true for mothers of boys. And it happens, when the mother, on the contrary, tries to be as soft as possible, giving the baby presents.
RESULT: Feeling of psychological fatigue and exhaustion does not leave you.
HOW TO BE: A sense of guilt always lies at the base of such behavior. Mother feels guilty for not being able to save her family, thus depriving the child of her father. In this case, remember that you decided to divorce is not just, but in order to improve your life and, of course, the life of your child. Do not forget that even in single-parent families, absolutely normal and psychologically healthy children grow up.
ERROR: The mother begins to shift the blame to the child. She is angry that the child wants to communicate with her father, or, for example, she is irritated by the lack of emotionality of the baby, who does not want to share her grief with her.
RESULT: Possible disruptions, conflict in the family.
HOW TO BE: If at least one of these signs is found out in you - you need to urgently turn to a psychologist. Independently with this problem it is almost impossible to cope, but it is very well solved by experts of crisis centers.
FORWARD TO THE NEW LIFE
Will I be able to create favorable conditions for the child's life? This issue is worried by most women after the divorce. At first it may seem that normal life will never recover. This is not true. After a while, most of the problems will disappear. To bring it closer, you can use the following tips:
❖ First of all give the child time to get used to the situation. He, just like you, is knocked out of the rut and for a while can behave inadequately. As children can have divorce from parents in different ways, be especially attentive and notice any changes in the behavior of your child.
❖ Try to ensure that the baby is as calm and predictable as possible. "As few changes as possible!" - this phrase should become your motto in the first six months.
❖ Encourage the child to meet with the father in every possible way (if the father is willing to make contact). Do not be afraid that the baby will stop loving you - during this period, the presence of both parents is especially important for the child.
❖ If the father of the child for some reason does not want to spend time with the baby, try to replace it with your male friends or, for example, grandfather.
❖ Although, after a divorce, you may be more busy due to financial problems, you need to pay extra attention to the child. It's not so much about leisure and entertainment as about ordinary life: for example, reading a book for the night, working together or just an extra kiss - your kid should know that his mother is nearby and will not go anywhere.
IS IT STRESS?
Even if you are trying very hard to protect the child from conflicts, he still becomes their witness, and often a full participant. And then already what your personal attitude to divorce is - it does not matter. Even if you perceive parting as a blessing, your little one may have the opposite opinion about it. It is impossible to foresee the child's reaction, but there are a number of signs that can be used to determine if he is experiencing severe stress.
❖ Anger. The child becomes aggressive and irritable, does not listen to what they say, does not fulfill requests to do something, etc. Very often behind this aggression there is anger towards himself: the child thinks that it is he who is to blame for the fact that father and mother no longer live with each other.
❖ Shame. The child begins to feel shy of his parents because they could not keep the family. This behavior is especially characteristic of older children, who compare their families with their companions' families. It happens that children begin to hate one of the parents, who, in their opinion, initiated the divorce.
❖ Fear. The child became capricious and depressed, he is afraid to stay at home alone, oh wants to sleep with the light, comes up with a variety of "horror stories" in the form of monsters, ghosts ... There may also be physical symptoms, such as headache, enuresis or abdominal pain. Behind such manifestations lies the fear of a new life and divorce caused by instability.
❖ Misapplication. Lack of interest in the usual joys for the child, drop in school performance, reluctance to communicate with friends, emotional depression - these are just a few of the signs that should make the parent prick up.
Once you have discovered such oddities in your child's behavior, this should be a signal to visit a psychologist. This means that your child has the greatest stress, coping with which will be very difficult on his own.
REAL HISTORY
Svetlana, 31 years old
After the divorce, I was left alone with a 10-year-old son. The husband went to another family and completely ceased to communicate with the child. Initially, I was very insulted in him, I felt sorry for myself, every night roared into the pillow and did not think about the child's feelings at all. My son was shut up, he began to learn worse ... And at some point I realized: I'm about to miss a child because I spend too much time on my experiences. And I realized that in order to help my son, I must somehow make up for the man's attention, which he lost after the divorce. Since I'm a sociable person, I always had a lot of male friends, as well as relatives - my uncle and grandfather, who could partially replace my father's child. In addition, to somehow distract the child from sad thoughts, I wrote it down in several sections, where he had new friends. Now he feels much better. Based on my experience, I can say for sure: the best gift that you can make to your child is your own mental health.
Marina, 35 years old
I think the best thing that divorcing parents can do for their child is to keep good relations with each other. When my husband and I parted, Irina's daughter was only three years old. My daughter was very worried, she could not understand why Dad no longer lives with us. I explained to her that people are parting, but from this the pope will not love her less. The former husband often calls, visits the girl, mostly on weekends, they walk together, go to the park, and sometimes he takes her to him for a couple of days. Irishka always looks forward to these meetings. Of course, she still worries about the fact that my husband and I do not live together, but now I began to perceive this fact much more calmly.