How do you know if your marriage is sustainable?

Sooner or later this question necessarily arises from one of the spouses. And in an attempt to find an answer, we begin scrupulously to analyze petty quarrels, loud scandals of recent weeks, frantically remember how many times we were engaged in this period of sex ... But in many happy and strong families there are conflicts. There, and sexual relations can be as regular as in couples that are not so strong. By what signs can you find out that the marriage is on the verge of collapse? Quarrels - not a sign of an early divorce
The strength of family ties does not depend on whether conflicts arise in this family. Even in quite safe and strong pairs, partners from time to time can quarrel and vigorously find out the relationship. Why do such families live longer and happily, while others after a while fall apart? It would be wrong to think that if the spouses are in conflict, then this is necessarily an unhappy marriage. After all, some like it hot, and such couples can live together a long and stormy life. It is important that the conflicts do not acquire a protracted and harsh nature, so that the partners find a productive way out of their quarrels, they can agree to a certain averaged option, which takes into account the wishes of both sides. In fact, the conflict is a way out, a splash of energy. And when this energy is poured out, the spouses talked and came to something - it's good. But when the conflict is just a splash of energy, it only lowers the tension, but nothing is solved, it is not a productive, bad conflict. With the introduction and marriage everyone has their own vision of a happy family life and expectations that are rarely justified. One of the recipes for a strong and successful marriage is that one does not force the other to buckle. All the stories about how one partner insisted on his own, and the other conceded, often end up in an explosion and the breakdown of relations.

We spend less time together
You noted that you moved away from each other, ceased to feel satisfied with your life together and spent less and less time together ... When the relationship leaves passion, and this happens fairly quickly, this is not a sign of a close divorce. But if you do not already have a spiritual closeness between you, you do not feel warm feelings, trust, respect for your partner - this is one of the signs that your couple is at risk and you need to take urgent measures to save the marriage.

We are well together, and apart
How much do you know how to keep the border of a partner, and he - yours? Can you defend your position in a dispute with your spouse? The strength of our relationship depends on this ability. When we marry, we do not cease to be an individual who has his own interests. Therefore, it is so important to be able to be married, to remain a partner in partnership. The outcome of those marriages in which one of the partners sacrifices themselves, alas, is well known. In this situation, we have to balance between personal interests and the need to create a community with a spouse called "we."

It is about how partners know how to feel the boundary of another. As far as we understand, how close we can go to another, observing the boundary of compatibility and separateness.

This means that each of us needs a personal time, when you can do your favorite thing separately from a partner. If it does not, then sooner or later an imminent explosion will occur.

Rare sex
Your intimate life has ceased to be intense and intense, as before. Does this mean that your couple is at risk? This is partly true. After all, moving away from each other without experiencing more emotional intimacy, you lose interest in sex with each other. But to unequivocally assert that the rare moments of intimacy are a dangerous sign, it is impossible. In large cities, for example, such as Moscow, couples who have long been married, not so intense intimate life. Often, such couples come to a therapist and talk about not having sex or doing it very rarely. But during the conversation with them it becomes clear that the partners do not have any time or energy for this, because the rhythm of life in the metropolis exhausts us all. Sexual relations in such marriages are resumed only on vacation. The important thing is that if both partners do not have a desire, there is nothing to worry about. But if one has one and the other does not, then this is already a sign that your marriage is in danger.

Symptoms and signs of an early divorce
Leo Tolstoy had the imprudence to write: "All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Family psychotherapists believe that the writer in the second part of the famous phrase ... was mistaken. The same road leads to the collapse of family life. The same conclusion was reached by the American family psychologist, professor of psychology John Gottman. For 16 years in his laboratory he talked with couples, recorded their conversations. Based on the collected material, he formulated signs and symptoms, based on which, it is possible to accurately - up to 91% predict not only whether a particular pair will divorce, but even when it can happen.

CRITICISM
If your dispute begins with harsh criticism and it does not matter, the partner criticizes you or you attack him. In the event that the dispute is dominated by a hard start, it inevitably ends negatively. If the dispute is to choose between criticism and complaint, then use the second. This line of behavior is preferable.

CONTEMPT
In the course of the dispute, the parties use sarcastic and cynical remarks, which indicates disrespect for each other. This offends the interlocutor and poisons the relationship, because one of the partners understands that the other is disgusted with him. It's not just about words, but about facial expressions. Even the picture rolling of the eyes can lead to a deepening of the conflict.

DEFENSE
The most logical in this situation is to take a defensive position. But such tactics rarely achieve the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down and does not apologize. Paradoxically, defense is, in fact, a way of accusing a partner.

WALL
When the escalation of the conflict reached its climax, then at some point one of the parties is no longer involved in the proceedings, sitting, looking down and saying nothing. A person in a detached state behaves as if what the interviewee is telling him does not interest him. He stepped back, built a mental wall, closed himself. He no longer wants to talk and negotiate.

LANGUAGE OF THE BODY
Our body reacts to the conflict. One of the most obvious physical reactions is a strong heartbeat, more than 100 beats per minute. For comparison, the standard heart rate for a 30-year-old man is 76, and for a woman of his age is 82. In addition, hormonal changes are noted, the release of adrenaline into the blood spurs the escalation of the conflict ... But even when it seems that everything is over, marriage can be saved. The key to reviving relationships is not how you resolve differences, but how you relate to each other in everyday life.