It is generally believed that a divorce after 5-10 years of relatively safe living together is the most difficult test for a woman. In any case, the practice was confirmed by the fact that the beautiful half of humanity needs professional help. Men, as well as it is necessary to a strong floor, ostensibly adapt to new conditions of a life. However, about 10 years ago, psychotherapists began to remark with surprise that divorced men in the majority feel not so comfortable, as all are accustomed to believe. How does a man behave after a divorce, and how to behave with him to us - women? ..
WITH THE FIGURES IN HANDS
In order to correctly assess the scale of the phenomenon, which will be discussed - the male perceptible syndrome - first let's talk about how to transfer the forced freedom of women. For example, one of the largest specialists in psychotherapy, Norman Farberou, argues that virtually none of the fair sex after the divorce and collapse of the union that existed for several years does not return to the previous level of mental and physical health. In any case, every eighth divorced lady, according to statistics, is trying to settle scores with life. Every fourth person turns to a psychotherapist for help (although more than half of the ladies who have freed themselves from family ties experience a pronounced depression requiring treatment). And more than half of all antidepressants sold in the so-called civilized countries are acquired by women who are in a state of divorce for less than a year!
For men, at least in the beginning, it is really easier. And this is confirmed by research: 65 percent of divorced men remarry within the first five years. All this is understandable from the point of view of psychoanalysis. The fact is that every man already had experience of breaking up with an important woman - mother. At the age of 5-7 years, the boys are psychologically reconstructed. They gradually cease to feel like a part of the mother and, as psychotherapists say, they transform into the male subculture. Therefore, the second break with a loved and loved woman is much easier. Another 15 percent of the stronger sexes acquire a new family between 5 and 10 years of the second stage of bachelor life. But the remaining 20 percent now constitute the object of close scrutiny of psychotherapists, since they create a new family (or acquire a permanent partner) only 20 years or more after the dissolution of the first family.
IN PINK GAMES
In order to understand why such a large number of men experience numerous psychological (after them and physical) problems, being "at large", one should mention the hopes they are experiencing in an effort to divorce.
♦ Most men hope that, having freed themselves from their legal spouse, they will meet a more worthy woman - more beautiful, sexy, kind, caring and more often younger. That is, fatigue from everyday conjugal sex warms up the flight of fantasy, which helpfully draws fantastic pictures in imagination and promises vivid sexual sensations, and with different partners.
♦ And the second, often no less important motive to break off relations with the family is the desire to get rid of responsibility for the household. Or at least reduce this responsibility.
ILL-TERMED ILLUSIONS
However, the intoxication of newly found freedom in men lasts, as a rule, only a few months, and sometimes even weeks. And then, slowly, but surely, frustration begins to creep into the soul.
Having appeared "on freedom", the man behaves absolutely not how he would like himself. Representatives of the stronger sex are trying to realize first of all their wildest sexual fantasies. As a rule, several partners appear at once: one is permanent, the other is temporary. And most often these short-term (two-three-hour) impulsive connections bring most disappointments. Although it is on them that men also have the most hopes. The fact is that married sex has one very important feature. We are talking about the so-called adjustment - psychological and physiological. After several years of living together a special sexual (emotional) attraction, the couple, of course, do not feel, but the excitement comes soon enough, without long preludes and sentiments. Intimacy occurs stereotypically, but the level of pleasure is usually high, discharge begins quickly - within 4-5 minutes. And all this in combination gives a feeling of comfort.
But an intimate life with new and often unfamiliar partners requires from the man much greater psychological and physiological costs. First, the partner should be inclined to intimate relationships. Secondly, it needs to be caressed long enough. Thirdly, the sexual act itself is longer and "energy-intensive". According to statistics, during intimacy with his wife, the heart rate in men increases by 8-10 beats per minute and keeps at this level within 3-5 minutes after the climax. If the partner is new, the male heart beats an average of 30-40 strokes more often than usual and "calms down" only 10-20 minutes after reaching orgasm. There is also a fourth nuance: after the sexual act with a new partner you need to continue communication, and very often also take her home. Of course, such closeness brings a lot of joys, but it takes away a lot of strength, reduces efficiency, the desire to show initiative, etc.
The most curious, albeit sad at the same time, is that, according to studies of psychotherapists from different countries, most of the divorced men within a year and a half after the divorce significantly reduced sexual activity. Many of them even reject explicit sex offers from women, often young and temperamental.
In addition to problems in his personal life, problems arise that are purely social. Yes, the need to take responsibility for the family need not have disappeared, but the other man's shoulders lay on the flimsy men's shoulders - responsibility for himself. And now, to such a turn of events, many representatives of the stronger sex are absolutely not ready. First, there is no one to consult with in difficult times, there is no one to complain of trouble. After all, a mistress, even the most benevolent, is not as close as a wife, so not every man will open up before her. And not every mistress will listen to her gentleman complaining about fate.
In addition, after several weeks of bachelor life, many men find in themselves a lot of destructive impulses, such as: the desire to drink excessively, the desire to eat deliciously and too abundantly, including overnight, etc. Women have fewer such impulses, and, being more social and better organized, the sexes more easily suppress provocative desires. By the way, at the subconscious level, men feel this feature of women and often marry in part to ensure that the wife helps to contain destructive instincts. Unfortunately, this fact is not postponed in the mind, therefore, the newfound responsibility for oneself turns into serious stress for many members of the stronger sex.
Thus, all the above features of "free" life often lead to the fact that many men about a year and a half after the divorce begin to feel depressed, confused, they have a noticeably reduced interest in the work. Abuse of alcohol (most often beer) and food are the most common symptoms of the post-mortem syndrome in members of the stronger sex. In addition to reducing the sexual desire, which has already been said, other disorders in the intimate sphere are often manifested.
FORMER WOMEN ON THE NOTE
There is a certain tendency of how men behave after the divorce. In the middle of the second year after the severance of relations, every third divorced man begins to think hard about returning to his former family. And every fourth eventually gets remarried with his former wife! True, some men try to escape from their loneliness, having acquired a new family. However, two thirds of them after a while are convinced that the first wife was better than a new or constant girlfriend.
Therefore, if a woman is not happy about the divorce that has happened and wants to restore the relationship back to normal, you need, first, to try to calm yourself. Secondly, one must have patience. But to run after the ex-husband should not, as well as self-confidently repeat it: "You will still come back to me!"
Men - beings are very proud, therefore it is very difficult for them to return home with a guilty head, even if there is a great desire for it. To morally facilitate their return, try not to lose even friendly relations after the divorce. When a man "ripens" in order to start a family at first, he will not have to look for a special occasion to come. He just looks in a friendly way for a cup of tea and stays.
LOVERS FOR THE NOTE
If you are destined to meet a divorced man on your way, remember some simple rules, observance of which will help you to build with him a strong and serious relationship.
♦ Even if your romance develops the best way, you meet regularly (2-3 times a week) and you are well together, do not insist on living under one roof, if a man avoids this in every possible way. Understand that he divorced his former wife, not in order to immediately create a new family home.
♦ The fact that your fan has lived in a fairly happy marriage for several years does not mean that he is morally ready to act as a good head of the family. It is possible that your friend refers to the 20 percent of men who are capable of spending alone after the dissolution of the first family union for about 20 years (if not to the end of their life). So do not limit your contacts to one potential groom.
♦ If your gentleman divorced recently (less than one and a half years ago), most likely, he will have other women besides you. Protest against this is useless. Just take this circumstance into account and have patience.
♦ Practice shows that women who meet divorced men tend to occupy one of two polar positions: they either surround their partner with excessive care, or communicate with utmost restraint, hoping to show their best qualities only after marriage to him. Both of these ways are unpromising. If possible, try to develop a line of behavior in which care and relaxedness in the intimate sphere would be combined with restraint. This is the most realistic opportunity to win the heart of your chosen one.