Divorce of two people is not limited to changes only in their relationship. The child becomes a participant, an intermediary or a victim of disagreements among adults. In the last century, the words "single mother" sounded like a sentence to both a woman and a child. Today the birth of a child in the absence of a father is not something out of the ordinary. This is just a distinctive feature of your emerging family, which will have to be taken into account when raising a child. In particular, think about how to compensate for exclusively female influence. But this problem is a bit distant future, when the baby grows up. And what now? How to behave properly with a child after a divorce?
Now it is important to understand that for a baby the mother is a synonym for the whole world. The child's sense of security, his emotional and physical comfort are determined by the relationship in the "mother-baby" bundle. The departure of the father from the family at an early stage (before birth and up to three years) alone can not harm the baby. Much more strikes the child's mother's condition - a sense of humiliation, a sense of loss of vitality, irritability or apathy. If the mother is irritable, her feelings become a source of anxiety for the baby. A child's anxiety provokes the development of neuroses. Therefore, your first task for today is to regain a sense of completeness of life. A family that consists not of three, but of two people, a family by half, does not mean half happiness at all. You have no reason to consider yourself stricken or defective. You will soon have a child who will only belong to you.
"I'm one of those who" pulls the whole house on themselves. " I have two preschool children. Dad sees them on Sundays. His contribution to education - a penny alimony and ... fun walks in the park. Attractions, ice cream - children believe that their dad is a magician. "
Homework, childhood illnesses and quarrels are the daily destiny of a woman. And holidays in the form of pleasant Sunday walks because of a divorce got to another. This is insulting in itself. In addition, excruciating jealousy: "unworthy" father personifies a holiday of life! The volume of cares of a single mother is really great. But refusal of holidays even in such a situation is not mandatory. This refusal is voluntary. He allows a woman to feel a victim of circumstances and unconsciously cherish the feeling of own deprivation. As a result, she gradually becomes accustomed to the image of a loser, and mother's love for children is against a background of joyless, depressed life.
You have the right to feel with respect to your ex-husband any feelings - from contempt to hatred. Only it is not necessary to cultivate in itself a complex of the enemy or the victim. You have parted ways, which means that everyone goes their own way now. He walks with children on Sundays? Children rejoice in walks? Enjoy and you are for the children. Use time to free yourself.
Try not to equip the life of the kids so that the feeling of the holiday is associated only with their father's Sunday visits. Joint dinner, fun games, swimming, reading a fairy tale for the night, even working together around the house - can not you find the opportunity to create small home parties for children? Children whom the mother loves will never "sell" her for the entertainment that their father offers them once a week.
"I curse my husband. He went to another family when his son was four years old. I forbid the boy to meet with his father, I do not accept gifts. "
You are overwhelmed by anger at her husband - a destructive emotion. The source of anger is beyond your reach. But emotions will still seek out and fall on the heads of those who are nearby. Obeying anger, you want the child to hate his father for the offense he has inflicted on you. But the baby does not yet have its own internal reasons to hate the father. It would be much more natural for a child to miss his father. You do not encourage the manifestation of these feelings, and the kid has to hide them, acquiring the first experience of hiding something extremely important for you from him. Over time, your son will most likely start deceiving you, concealing true feelings - you are now doing everything yourself for this.
The ban on communication between a child and an ex-husband carries another danger: in adolescence, the son will most likely have a keen interest in his father. The teenager, by virtue of the age-specific characteristics of the character, begins to struggle for his autonomy, for separation from his mother, and seeks authority beyond the borders of his own family. And here such a convenient situation: the alternative lies in the very relations between mother and father. His father is distant from him and due to this remoteness he is enveloped in a halo of beckoning mystery. The child will seek to communicate with him in spite of your feelings, secretly from you, and even in the peak to you. Wishing to punish her husband, not letting him see the child, you actually punish the baby. A child has the right to love his father, even if his mother hates him. The tender feelings of the child toward both participants in the seed conflict do not mean betrayal of one of them. An adult can and should reason intelligently about the divorce of his parents. The fact of divorce is one of the pages of family history. And a big mistake to tear it out, to hide from the grown up child. A small child refers to a divorce emotionally. Do not share with him your bitterness or blame for the broken family: it is too small to consciously treat the situation.