How to understand, is there still a chance to maintain a relationship? Or the best solution - yet to part? If people live together for a long time, these painful questions are by no means a rarity. Let's try to find an answer to them.
As practice shows, sometimes used in such cases, the way to understand your relationship - take a sheet of paper, draw it in half and write out on the one hand all the good, and on the other - everything is bad, and after that to see what will outweigh - does not help, because our memory selectively finds those arguments that are conditioned by a situational sense of frustration, anger, revenge or sadness.
It is much more effective to analyze your relationship with the help of criteria specially singled out by family psychologists and psychotherapists. If for most of the criteria below the relationship is broken, then you can seriously think about parting.
1. To live not for his sake
Insufficient willingness to "live the life of a partner." The criterion of such readiness is the attitude toward a long, stable relationship. If, on the contrary, the partner is always talking about parting, taking important decisions affecting his or her future together (for example, changing a job), if he does not take into account the interests of the partner, then such a person is not sufficiently prepared to include in his life of his partner and himself to be included in his life.
2. Do not keep these promises
Another criterion of readiness "to be one with the partner" is fulfilling the promises made - both large and small.
3. Decide not to consult with him
Sometimes a person does not realize that he is preparing to destroy relations with a partner. This can be evidenced by the decisions made and plans in which the partner is not dedicated. For example, one of the partners is in talks about changing jobs, moving to another city, preparing for a trip without dedicating his partner to this. All this may serve as a sign that one of the partners has unconsciously already adjusted to parting.
4. Have no respect
Lack of respect can manifest itself in different ways. For example, there are people who believe that a partner needs to be raised first, by correcting what his parents did not do. They constantly pull up and correct the partner ("do not talk so much on the phone"), make decisions for him ("I wrote you into the section because you are too fat"), imposes on him his idea of happiness and pushes him to the appropriate actions ( "you need to undergo a course of psychotherapy"). Some people demonstrate to their partner that they do not respect his intellectual abilities ("you will not understand this"), doubt his abilities ("let me do this myself, you do it too slowly"), disrespect the partner's tastes ("like you can listen to this kind of music ").
5. Lose respect
Unlike the previous criterion, the initial respectful attitude towards a partner can change with time. Is it possible to respect a man who is constantly drunk and does not know what he is doing? Is it possible to respect a man who can not control his impulses? Is it possible to respect a man who lowers his hands at the slightest problem, losing his temper over trifles? It is difficult to respect the infantile person, the one who does not dare to take responsibility for his life. The lost respect for a partner is not easy to reconstruct, and without mutual respect it is difficult to build relationships.
6. Relations are pushed to the background
If the relationship is not put in the first place, when work, children, parents, obligations to other people are more important than the desires and needs of the partner - then there is no need to talk about loyalty between partners.
7. Feeling of uncertainty and lack of freedom
Do you feel free and confident with your partner? Can you express your opinion to him without fear that he will equalize you after this with the earth? Can you show your irritation to him without fear of his reaction? Can you go to the party, meet friends, practice your hobby? If the partner grumbles, gets offended, irritated, angry, there is no certainty and freedom in your relationship.
8. Principal differences in life position
If one of the partners is a homebody, and another likes to spend time in a noisy company, then because of this, there can be constant conflicts and friction. But this does not necessarily lead to the destruction of relations. There are always possible compromises. It's another matter if the partners have fundamentally different life positions. For example, if one of the partners wants to have children and the other does not; or if the husband thinks that his wife should give up a career and devote himself to home and children, and the wife does not agree with this, then such serious differences make relations very problematic.
9. Lack of generality
If partners do not have anything in common except joint concerns about children, the outlook for living together is very poor. On the contrary, if, in addition to the general children of the partners, joint activity is associated with sports, common friends, joint interests or, for example, interest in politics, they are connected by something greater than external pressure and responsibilities.
10. Physical alienation and distance
If the partners no longer want to touch each other, hold each other by the hand, or one disgusts the other, and disgusts even the smell of the partner (remember the expression "I can not stand the spirit"), this is a sign that you need to part.
If at once on many listed points you will have a negative answer, you should seriously think about the expediency of continuing the relationship. But before taking serious action, you should ask yourself again: "What have I done, what have we done to save our relationship?" What did I do to stay? "