Can you find a "cure" for unhappy marriages? I really do not want to consider the "sacred union of loving hearts" inevitably doomed to quarreling, unsolvable problems, disappointments, betrayal and eternal torment. How can some couples find their happiness and keep it for many years?
Reality and dreams
Happiness in marriage begins long before people meet their half - with dreams of a prince, with dreams of an ideal husband or ideal wife. And the more concrete in these dreams, the brighter they will manifest in the character and appearance of the future spouse. In other words, dreams come true.
However, often people choose their partner in life not according to the qualities and habits of a person, but based on what features he does not have. All the negative experience of the parents' family and sad pictures from the life of close relatives and friends play an important role here. For example, if parents have lived their whole life in extreme poverty, and the child has felt the taste of humiliation and envy from childhood, then it may be of great importance for him to choose his half if he has a good financial status of the partner or obvious ability to reach it. Or if a child has suffered for a long time from drunkenness or other parental malformation, there is a strong possibility that the absolute sobriety of a future husband or wife will be the deciding factor in consenting to marry this person.
Dreams created by the "method of the opposite", although they bring to life the desired people who do not have certain qualities and habits, at the same time close the person's eyes to many of the features that they have. It is these "unaccounted" features of a partner in the future that can cause irritation and conflict in the family. And even then you can often hear such advice of psychologists: do not idealize the partner, but accept the person as he is.
Time passes, and in unsuccessful marriages people start complaining that dreams are broken, reality is cruel, a loved one can not be remade, and life, in general, flies to the bone. In happy marriages, people are also often dissatisfied with each other, but in this case, discontent is perceived by them not as permanent and immobile decorations of marriage, but as something transient, temporary, something that must be got rid of, something to be done about it. There are no two identical people, and close friends always have something that can be annoying and what can be faulted. In happy marriages, people think how to change their negative feelings, and not how to remake a loved one. This is the only way to really bring together "beautiful" dreams and "cruel" reality.
War and Peace
In happy marriages, as well as in unhappy marriages, there are conflicts. The difference is that in happy marriages these small wars go on without bloodshed and the victims are minimal. Why? Because people suddenly found themselves on different sides of the barricades, well aware that in fact they are sitting in the same boat and are swimming in one direction. They have much more in common than different, and the main goal of any war is not victory, and not even punishment or revenge, but peace, even in a new way.
Each pair has its own weaknesses, there are topics of conversations that inevitably lead to quarrel. And at the same time each pair always has the opportunity to solve problems that seem eternal. How to find this opportunity? Psychologists offer the following strategies:
• avoid war by any means
To bring to naught the conflict situation , to escape from the clarification of relations. Sometimes problems resolve themselves. And sometimes it's useful to just stay away. This, in general, refers to situations where one half of something is constantly annoying in the other - habits, manners, taste, etc. The greatest difficulty here is patience and observation. Patience to get rid of irritability, and watchfulness, so that in any case when the partner does something nice, thank him or her for it.
• If war is unavoidable, seeks to reach agreement at all costs
For this, psychologists say, one must sincerely try to stand on the partner's point of view - as if you yourself were a lawyer defending him or her. Amazing things can be seen in this case! And while it is important that the partner opens a dialogue - because you yourself begin to understand it. To look at the situation through the eyes of another person is the only way to turn endless monologues of two people into a conversation.
• In the extreme inevitability of war - to fight only on it, and not on all wars of the globe
If people could forgive all grievances and never take offense again, we would not know this world. The insidiousness of any resentment is that, even forgiven, it does not disappear forever, but lies in the soul, like the ashes of a once-tormented conflagration of passions. And at any convenient opportunity - a quarrel, anger at a deeply beloved person - resentment rises from the ashes like a Phoenix bird. And now the couple are already quarreling not one by one, but by two or even ten occasions at once, forgetting that the family's happiness is a reward for the willpower shown in war not to remember past wounds and not to return to the past battles. In any conflict, psychologists advise, it is important to remember what the people who started it are striving to achieve.
Sincerity and Diplomacy
A happy marriage is a small country, whose life is built by two people. This is creativity. Surprisingly, a happy marriage gives people the opportunity to fashion the life they want - like a clay sculpture. But what should be the basis of this life together - openness and sincerity or game and diplomacy?
Probably, the answer to the question can be found thinking about yourself. What do I personally want to show the world? Its beauty, strength, nobility, intelligence, imagination, kindness, purposefulness - everything that only is beautiful in me. I want recognition, I want to be loved, I want the world to admire me.
What do I want to hide? Probably thinning hair or extra pounds , laziness, irritability, self-doubt, fear of loneliness , holes in socks, dirt under the fingernails and unclean shoes - everything that I have and I do not like, but for some reason I live with me and is a part of me. As real and as dark as the other side of the moon. And I really want others to not notice this dark side, and if they did, they would be considered trifling, insignificant, not worth special attention or, at least, worthy of forgiveness.
Successful marriages are similar in that people in them see all the best and not all the worst that there is in their half. Moreover, happy couples have the particular courage to sincerely admire each other's merits, to carefully observe all the beautiful features and remember all the wonderful moments of a life together. Apparently, this is how openness should be manifested - not to be afraid to tell a good person, show warmth and attention, admit to love. The secret is that behind all these words there are real feelings, not falsity, "for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Words without feelings, without content - are empty. They do not have sincerity, but only diplomacy.
And at the same time, in situations where it is impossible not to notice shortcomings, diplomacy can come to the aid, and only diplomacy. The game and half-truths are usually considered unworthy behavior, but, on the other hand, what's wrong with sparing the self-love of a loved one? To say about the irritant is not so, "like boiling", and a little softer, a bit more restrained. In the end, even try to justify each other.
Happiness in marriage should be maintained, making every effort. What can be easier and at the same time more difficult than finding the true causes of conflicts and eliminating them? It's easy - you do not even need to lift a finger from a person here. But this is infinitely difficult, since it implies the need to curb own pride and selfishness, change one's views, "love another as yourself." In these invisible efforts there is a great chance for all marriages. Since each pair always, always has a choice - either be like many other happy couples, or become "unhappy in their own way," as Leo Tolstoy said.