When a person becomes addicted, for example, from alcohol, drugs or gambling, this is not only his problem. Suffer and his loved ones: they, too, are experiencing pain and fear. But apart from that they try to save a loved one, often, unfortunately, unsuccessfully. Sometimes even attempts to save him lead to the final destruction of relations. What's the matter? How to behave in order to help a person save himself from a harmful addiction? What is needed, and what, on the contrary, is it not worth doing?
1. Do not take full responsibility
Dependence is a disease. Very often on this basis, close dependent people take full responsibility for the outcome of the disease, because they believe that he "can not help himself". It is important to remember that support and help is helpful, but shifting all responsibility for recovery is not. You can not help a person bypassing his own desire and will. If you caught yourself actively saving, and the rescued takes your help, but does not do anything for himself, then his desire or intention has not yet been formed. It is possible that you take too much on yourself. Sometimes the supposed helplessness in a person becomes an excuse for him to continue to indulge in a bad habit while you are engaged in "saving". Do not take charge of the whole "operation", render the help that is appropriate, which does not slow down, but develops the will of the dependent, and which you can do. Remember films about the fate of a "bad person" (for example, "Afonya"): a positive impact does not have the desired effect until the person himself, due to some circumstances, does not realize the need to part with his dependence. Anyone who finds himself in such a situation can help himself only by realizing his interest in healing. Otherwise, the help of relatives will resemble the famous phrase from the tale of K. Chukovsky: "Oh, it's hard work: to drag the hippo from the swamp."
2. Choose the right arguments
Often in a conversation with an addict, we are not talking about what really bothers us. We express our indignation ("drank like a pig!"), Their indignation ("What will our friends think about us?"). But both irritation and indignation are usually secondary. If you listen attentively to yourself, it turns out that behind these feelings is a strong fear. We are afraid to lose a loved one because of the destruction of his body and / or personality, we are terribly afraid of losing our relationship. Without realizing our fear, we do not talk about it. And it's worth to share with your dependent feelings: "I'm very scared, I feel helpless and do not know what to do. I'm very sad! "Listen to how differently these words and phrases sound:" I got drunk, like a pig! "If the second gives rise to indignation and a desire to answer the same, then the first one is trust and sincerity. Against an insult you can object, but against feelings - no. Instead of reading lectures about how addiction is harmful to health and how unpleasant it is to us in this state, look at him as a friend, husband, partner, relative and share your true experiences. Persuasion, threats, notations provoke, as a rule, even greater conflicts in the family, while the close one continues to betray his habit. Often we hear in our address: "I do not like it, go away." And in some ways this is correct. Because everyone has the full right to choose how to live, and, in particular, how to die. Sometimes you manage to get a person to change their life, but you can not "make happy".
A pernicious habit is an easy way to get away from problems
3. Do not criticize the entire personality of a dependent person
As a rule, not approving the dependence of a close person, that is, only one of the sides of his personality, we criticize his entire personality entirely. When a person is sick, say, ARD, we treat a person separately, and the disease separately. When a person is addicted, we spread dependence on him all: "You are disgusting in this way!" When a person is criticized, he begins to defend himself, and then insults, refusal to communicate, and scandals can go to play.
4. Respect the inability of the addict to quickly give up addiction
Behind every addiction is some unresolved life problem, and addiction seems to man the only available way to "care" of this problem, a kind of analgesic pill. Detaching a loved one from his addiction, you to some extent make him worse, because as a result he really experiences pain and fear. Try to understand what the real cause of his problem is, and if possible help to solve it.
5. Do not mix dependency and relationships
There is a myth that "if he does that (or if he can not give up), then he does not love me." This is often used by close people as blackmail against the dependent. Of course, blackmail is not realized, because they can really believe that everything an addict does is directly related to them, and they take everything at their own expense. In fact, dependence, although it affects you, does not necessarily follow from the attitude of an addict to you. The prerequisites for dependence usually arise in childhood. Therefore, it is important to understand and not to mix: dependency dependency, relationship relations. The cross on the relationship can be set not so much when there is a dependence in itself, but only when nothing is left of the relationship itself.
6. Take care of yourself
Being near a dependent person, we experience a very wide range of experiences: fear - for him, for himself and his family, anger, resentment, pain, grief, hopelessness, guilt and shame. It is important to remember that the main task of a person is not to heal another, but to heal oneself, to help oneself. And this is one of the ways to solve the problem. By helping ourselves, developing and growing in person, we often pull close people behind us. It happens that as soon as we manage the situation ourselves, the partner also "suddenly" breaks with dependence.