Interference of adult children in the privacy of parents

When we were teenagers, we dreamed that "ancestors" would stop climbing into our personal affairs. And now we have grown up and are interfering in the lives of our parents. Why did we change roles? And how to stop being psychologically dependent on your parents to start living your own life, and let your parents live their own? Slowly but surely
Most often, interference in the privacy of parents is manifested in the fact that we refuse to leave our home. Far from always such a conflict can be explained by the indecisiveness of the grown up child.

Sometimes, parents directly say: "You're already grown up," but unconsciously broadcast another installation, directly opposite the first: "Do not grow up." Most often, such a contradiction appears in families where an anti-separating development model has always evolved, that is, it does not allow children to grow, psychologically and physically separate from their parents. For example, not so long ago, during the Soviet era, it was justified: after all, only together, standing shoulder to shoulder, it is easier to survive and cope with anxiety. Today the world has changed, there are more opportunities for children to live separately, but the psychological mechanisms are changing much more slowly. That is why many continue to rest on their parents' attitudes, and parents - from the best motives, contradicting themselves, keep children near themselves.

If you still want to leave your parents, it is important to see these signals from mom and dad. To do this, it is enough to be attentive to your feelings. As a rule, they cause an internal contradiction: we consciously agree with the parents, we think - yes, everything is true, but in the soul there is confusion, doubt and anxiety. Having understood what is happening, you can gently, gradually introduce parents to a new image of yourself. Express gratitude for everything they do and explain that they are ready to act independently. And for parents to believe these words, it is desirable to back them up with actions, to bear responsibility for the consequences. For example, to give them a plan, according to which you are going to find yourself in life, to calculate the amount of time that will go into this, and indicate the point of result. This will not happen immediately, especially among those whom parents have long patronized. Such children, even adults, are afraid to act independently because of a strong fear of failure. After all, they have no experience of experiencing failure "one on one", so they continue to involve parents in their adult life. But the first independent achievements will help to feel how it is to be an adult. And this does not negate the possibility of asking advice in a difficult situation.

It is important to look for pleasant aspects in the state of the Adult, to rejoice in every little victory.

Love-buy
To actively intervene in the privacy of parents, it is not necessary to share one living space with them. You can do this from another apartment, a city or even a country.

An example from life
A 30-year-old daughter who has grown up has lived in her apartment for a long time, but sometimes she thinks that she and her mother have changed roles: the daughter bought her an apartment, she also rides at her expense, and her daughter is terribly annoyed that her mother does not listen to her opinion. For example, about her civil husband, who seems to her daughter is completely unreliable and unsuitable for the mother of a man.

A similar situation can arise if the mother paid little attention to her daughter as a child. Such a child may seem to have been abandoned for bad behavior. And it is quite possible that all his further life will develop into a crusade for the search for love and approval. And sometimes it seems that you can get these desired feelings with the help of a powerful power tool that is not available in your childhood - money. However, in most cases the mother will vehemently reject this position: "Eggs are not taught a hen, even if they have two higher educations and a Ph.D." It is very likely that the inability to give love and acceptance is one of the characteristics of the parent. And the attempt to buy love only leads to a dead end. You can grieve for a long time about what you can not get, but you can admit that the situation can not be changed. This is quite painful, but it is from this moment that genuine, sincere relationships with Mom can begin. After all, an adult person is able to support himself, be a support, and to demand this from his mother is a sign of infantility, inner immaturity.

To achieve internal maturity, it is important to learn to be with your mother on an equal footing: to ask, not to demand. Find out, not wait. Ask if she really needs what you are doing. Finally, to see it as it is, and not as we would like to see it. True, it can not be easy to do, and the therapist will probably need help. After all, if your mother can not give what you want, and until you get yourself to support and accept, you can find other relationships where this will be possible.

A true friend
Happens, with my mother and father are such warm relations, that it's good to leave everyone and do not want to.

An example from life
Parents are absolutely unique people for their 26-year-old daughter. They are her friends, advisors, only she can trust them. So it was from the very childhood. She becomes very sad if she does not see them for more than three days, because no other friends have a girlfriend ...

However, this situation can not be called idyllic. Of course, it's good when close relationships are established between adult children and parents. But it's quite dangerous when the aging mother and father are the only such support for the grown up child. After all, natural development believes that every year the circle of relations and contacts becomes more and more, the social world expands. It is likely that the parents' opinion "You can always trust me" has gradually turned into a ban "Do not trust anyone." Usually at some point parents become uncomfortable from such a degree of frankness and intimacy, but it is difficult for them to yield to the pedestal of the "closest person" to someone else.

When parents are awarded the status of the only close person, other people simply do not have the chance to stay close. After all, in comparison with relatives, the others lose. It is quite natural that it will be difficult to take these steps. After all, the question is not to expand the circle of communication, but to learn to trust new people. And you can do this only in practice, through experience.

In this regard, understanding will help: my friend threw a cat on the street, can I trust such a person? And when she tells my secrets to others, can I? After all, trust is connected with our personal values, so it is so important to begin to understand them.

Of course, life will be more complicated than on paper. But in reality, you can always sit down and talk with a loved one about what's bothering you. Or at least make an attempt that will help our parents live their lives, and us their own.