The mass of beautiful words, high-flown arguments, ranging from religious motives of all-forgiveness and ending with everyday sayings like "who will remember the old, to the eye". And behind this wall of beautiful verbal constructions it is difficult to discern the essence of a very complicated process called forgiveness. With what word do we associate forgiveness in Russian? With good-bye, is not it? In the English forgive and in the French pardonner - literally "to give." The essence of this process is to stop carrying some load, to give it away, to say goodbye to it.
Yes, forgiveness is action, parting with something, step by step. Sit down and order yourself: "Well, quickly forgive such and such!" - It will not work. The result will not be. Forgiveness is an act that suggests that you release all the weight that has accumulated in your heart. You will forever part either with the situation, or with the person who caused you psychological damage. And this is difficult to do for the simple reason that the action of forgiveness bears in itself a psychological duality, duality. We know with you how many examples, when we could not forgive someone, right? The insult, anger, anger stirs ... The one who is to be forgiven is in the psychologically difficult position, which is called the word "victim". Do you understand what is happening? You were humiliated, wounded, hurt, in the heart of a boiling indignation, a desire to take revenge. A close or inner voice says: Forgive me! And it seems simply impossible. Is not it?
It is most difficult to forgive in the offended state. In addition, most often we are offended at close people - those who were not expected to be crooked, rude, meanness. On outsiders we can get angry, angry, but in this case it is easier to "spit and rub", because we do not have a strong emotional connection with this person. But my own, it's hard to forgive my own - it's very insulting!
Of course. And at the same time, we feel the need not to take revenge, namely to forgive those who are in the circle of others. After all, these people and relations with them are the most important for us. However, forces are not always enough to forgive, although we understand the need for forgiveness with our minds. Moreover, we sincerely would like to do this, but we can not easily do this.
How do you begin this action - forgiveness? Let's continue our modest linguistic analysis: "give", "give", "forgive - say goodbye - say goodbye - part ways". What is the meaning of these ancient words? What idea? The idea of parting with something that you must give. Give what? First of all, what burdens you, burdens you. To give to whom? Here, different answers are possible. Believing people will say - to God. Secular people will say - eternity. Who is fond of psychology, he will say that we must release the insult, emotionally reacting to it in the space of psychotherapy. In other words, we are talking about restoring a disturbed emotional balance by dropping a heavy emotional burden from oneself. The very first action in the process of forgiveness is asking for it, the real or symbolic action of redemption.
Without initiative, the other side can not be forgiven? The psychological difficulty of forgiveness is that it requires repentance and redemption of one's guilt on the part of the person who upset us. In other words, if we are asked for forgiveness, in fact trying to make amends for ourselves, sincerely repent of what is perfect, accepting our suffering and sharing it, it is easier for us to reconcile with what is happening and forgive a person. When we were offended, humiliated, traumatized, and not only do not admit their guilt, but they also try to charge it with us - this is where the moral conflicts begin. The mind says that like you should forgive. The soul rebels and demands retribution! So, I repeat, the first action, according to the logic of things, must come from the guilty party. The second - from the victim.
It's easy to talk about disengagement, if it's about colleagues, buddies. And how to learn to forgive in a romantic relationship? Tactics of elevation above the abuser will not work. Adult condescension - too. I do not feel like breaking up and parting. And offense poisons life. As a rule, if a woman does not forgive a man, the grievance does not go away. It encapsulates, hides in the body and lives there for years. And the problem is that once such capsules are recruited a critical mass, and they explode. Or the woman stealthily begins to take revenge on the man. I, by the way, made the conclusions by interviewing my friends. Everyone confessed that they remember the injuries inflicted by her husband. True, half claims that they forgave. Forgiveness in a couple is perhaps the most difficult moment of a relationship. But it is impossible to live without forgiving: because without forgiving a person, we will consciously or unconsciously strive for punishment and revenge. Your friends honestly outlined the situation. Even if the wife assured her husband: "I have long forgiven you," - in fact, not a fact. And she uses the slightest opportunity to punish him, to hurt. And if you also have a husband's desire to punish his wife, you can imagine what hell life together turns into.
Is it really realistic to forgive a loved one? Is not this a utopia? It seems to me that the safest way out from the point of view of psychohygiene is to simply step over the insults after you understand why your man did this. And to say to myself: yes, some amount of resentment is inevitable. Some amount of forgetting and forgiving is impossible. But I also will not try to punish, I will not punish. That is, the tactic is this: to recognize that in your life together there will be cases of unforgiveness. So what? With this you can live - if, of course, the insult is compatible with the relationship.
That's it - if the insult is compatible. In each case, their own characteristics. If the depth of the injury is such that you can not easily cross it? If such injuries are not one or two, but ten? If the identity of a man or woman is such that he or she simply can not reconcile himself to the grievance? There are so many factors. From my psychotherapeutic practice, I concluded: most often in men's and women's relationships, people can not forgive or do not want to. And it's not that they are trying to repay the same. Just there is such a chronic and heavy estrangement from each other that it seems that psychological intimacy is corroded by rust ...
Maybe, and do not weave weird talks about how noble and sublime it is to forgive? Maybe there are situations in which the only right and healthy from a mental point of view will be the way "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"? Psychologist Robert Inrayt expressed a curious thought: forgiving, we give up the offense to which we have every right, and offer to those who wounded us, a friendly attitude. Nietzsche believed that forgiveness is a manifestation of weakness. Some psychologists believe that forgiveness is the opposite of justice. Forgiveness, we are deprived of the opportunity to seek satisfaction. For example, a man insulted a woman - she forgave, thereby giving him a license for further insults. A friend failed - we forgave, allowing him to continue to do so. Is it that forgiveness turns into connivance?
Yes, and many scientists argued about this. For example, the great Russian philosopher Ivan Ilyin said: there are things, forgiving which, we indulge their implementation. Of course, forgiveness has boundaries. If one who forgives, while feeling a victim, and a forgiven - the executioner, it is worth considering whether you are doing the right thing. However, to pick up a universal master key to the whole variety of human relations is impossible. The following comes to mind: if the husband and wife live the same life with the common blood vessels, it is simply necessary to forgive. But if the spouses' lives are parallel, apparently, in this case forgiveness becomes connivance. Of course, I'm not talking about extreme situations - gross insults, assault, humiliation. Here it is no longer about forgiveness and connivance, but about masochism.
There are already several strategies for forgiveness: separation and separation; elevation above the situation; acceptance of the situation, well, connivance - as a negative example. What else is there?
There is such a strategy as the development of their own complexes. Often, we can not forgive a person, not because he committed a terrible crime, but because the situation was superimposed on our long-standing, perhaps children's, complexes and grievances. Take the case of your friend Natalya and the ill-fated table. Imagine that as a child, she was promised a gift for her birthday or a New Year's toy. The girl was waiting for the cherished day, anticipating, and as a result, the one who promised, came without a toy. And after many years in the adult life the same situation is repeated
Everything is very individual. One person will easily forgive treason, but will not forgive deceived expectations, another will never forgive humiliation, and through betrayal calmly "step over". We ourselves do not know how to thank, nor do we forgive someone else's ingratitude. Recently a man came to me for a consultation, let's call him Constantine. He once helped his friend to make a career - he put a word in his right circles for him. And when he now turned to a friend for help, he refused. Moreover, in response to the reproach: "But I helped you!" - said: "And here you? It was fate that led me! "
No matter how circumstances develop, in no case should you freeze on the position of the victim. From it there is no way out: you either perish or become an executioner. About forgiveness in this position and do not stutter. Only spiritually strong and persistent people are able to forgive. And forgive for parting or for a meeting on a new round of relations is their own business.