Between the hammer and the anvil. So roughly feels a woman, forced to quench the conflicts between her own mother and her husband. "Hammer" and "anvil" can change places, it is always in the middle, between two fires.
Of course, family quarrels arose less often when mother-in-law and son-in-law were seen only three times a year: on Petrov's day, on Ilin day and on the Assumption. And my son-in-law had a son-in-law - my beloved son, my brother-in-law was a first guest, and there was a pie on the table, if the son-in-law was in the yard, and the pancakes were sweet. But do not rush to envy our ancestors. The same thousand-year human wisdom, recorded in folklore sources, confirms the ancient nature of the conflict between mother-in-law and son-in-law. And there is in this conflict another participant, perhaps the most suffering person - daughter, she is also a wife. The unhappy woman has to toss between the two warring parties, between husband and mother, not knowing who, when and from whom to protect. The stories that I will tell, someone, perhaps, will calm down a bit - "not only for me", but for someone to prompt a way out of the seemingly desperate situation - from the side it is more visible.
The mother-in-law for the son-in-law gave a ruble, and after she gave and a half to be taken from the yard
Ane for a long time frankly envied all of our women's company. She did not live a single day with her mother-in-law, but brought her husband to his mother's three-room apartment. When at a meeting there was a conversation on the burning topic of relations between relatives, Anya always was silent. But one day she called: will I help her in search of an apartment for her with her husband.
What happened?
As we all knew, Anina's mother is a wonderful person. She brought up her daughter alone, gave her the opportunity to get higher education, supported financially, introduced her former student, gladly accepted the news that the children were going to get married and live with her. Scandals began in the first month of joint existence. An intelligent woman turned into a hysterical and rude woman. The son-in-law called "he", even in his presence. A demonstrative silence, slamming the door, swearing at her husband's husband became the norm. Nothing but constant complaints to her son-in-law, from her mother Anya did not hear: "He walked in the street shoes down the corridor to the toilet; He drank the remaining milk - not alone in the house; He, as the owner, turns on the TV, uses the phone. " Frank and calm conversations with my mother did not lead to anything. Quarrels on the raised tones and ultimatums have ended for Ani with nervous breakdown and a course of treatment in clinic. It should be noted that his son-in-law quietly took insults to his mother-in-law, while still calming his wife, offering options for a way out of the situation.
Anya confessed to me that she was so sorry for her mother and believed that in her first year of marriage she almost decided to divorce her beloved husband: it's impossible to leave her own mother alone, it's impossible to change the existing relationship, it's impossible to exist so further ... In three years she and her husband left this house and the last words of Ani, addressed to the mother, were: "I hate you!".
Cruelly? Yes. Probably, it was not necessary to bring the situation to the extreme, and it was worth starting to look for a separate housing a little earlier, without wasting time on fruitless conversations. By the way, this is a fairly common misconception (it is especially characteristic of daughters who live before marriage only with their mother) that it is not necessary to leave the elderly woman alone. "Mom will be worse, she can not be alone," loving daughters argue and very often err (if, of course, the mother is not sick with something serious). Everyday wisdom says that young people need to live separately - it's better and calmer for them and for the older generation. However, practice shows that separate living is not an absolute guarantee of good relations.
Neither in the serum sour cream, nor in the son-in-law of the tribe
We worked together with Tatyana Petrovna. She was the wife of the professor, constantly talking about the aristocracy and intelligence of her family, richly and tastefully dressed, was proud of the beauty and upbringing of her daughter-student. She married a young man, whose mind, charm and beautiful manners were not in doubt. Young settled separately.
After some time, we noticed that the main topic in Tatyana Petrovna's arguments was the issue of the inadmissibility of unequal marriages. She was terribly worried: her clever and beautiful daughter, who came from a wealthy and intelligent family, jumped to marry a man whose parents are simple hard workers. And what? The area of workers' outskirts, "Khrushchevka", beggarly way of life, no full-fledged communication. Unequal marriage is a nightmare! She does everything she can to get her daughter and grandson home. Only a divorce!
That Tatyana Petrovna's dream came true, we learned only after the new marriage of the daughter. It was not easy, according to the mother, to return the young woman with the child to the parents' house and force her to resignedly accept her new destiny. Tatyana Petrovna found a suitable son-in-law and a husband for her beloved daughter. The famous writer, the owner of the apartment, the cars, the dachas, the fortunes became the lucky ... The laboratory assistants of our department were not too lazy to look into the "Literary Encyclopaedic Dictionary" and found out that the "young" is older than his mother-in-law for seven years, besides from the village.
I do not know how happy the life of an obedient daughter has turned out, but I think that this is not the case when she had to show such resignation. Of course, staying between a hammer and an anvil threatens to turn into a shapeless piece of metal. But it should be avoided, showing own character. This, incidentally, applies to situations where the mother-in-law acts as an offended side. Imagine, it happens and such.
There is no trait in the house - take the son-in-law
Galina Ivanovna worked for many years at the construction site, she was constantly looking for the possibility of additional income, so that her daughter would not be harmed in anything. Olga graduated from the university, traveled a lot, dressed beautifully, collected a good library, communicated with educated and well-bred people. Mom was proud of her daughter, giving her complete freedom in the behavior and choice of a partner in life. They got along perfectly well, treated each other with love and affection.
Olga married a successful young man in commerce. They immediately after the wedding made money for an apartment in a newly built house, but for the time being they lived with Galina Ivanovna. The husband of a daughter who has the opportunity to support a family, for some reason, considered it possible to establish its own order in it. Calling Galina Ivanovna in the presence of outsiders "mother-in-law", he from the heights of the benefactor and master "allowed" her to wash and iron shirts, clean shoes, serve dinner and even wash his car. The poor woman, who does not always catch the condescendingly ironic tone of her beloved son-in-law, tried not to offend him, and most importantly to help her daughter in the household and not create a conflict situation in the family. When his friends came, he responded to the words of his mother-in-law with a sarcastic grin: "Yes, you can serve" hot coffee, "but not in tea cups, as yesterday; yes, everyone wants to try her salad, but do not "lay down" it ... Olya in such situations was lost, blushed and tried to remove the tension with a joke. In the kitchen, she gently comforted her mother, and at night she suggested that her husband arrange receptions when the mother was at the dacha or when they moved to their apartment. In response, I heard that my mother-in-law could live permanently at her dacha.
Even before the marriage, Olya told me that she would definitely name her daughter on behalf of her mother. When I came with presents to them in the house, on the move I corrected the text of congratulations - Katyushka was born. Why did they change their minds? Olya became embarrassed, fell silent, and Galya Ivanovna, radiant with happiness, explained: she insisted on this name, since her mother-in-law has no daughter and she will be pleased to learn that the daughter-in-law named the girl after her. Then Olya confessed to me that her husband, without consulting with her, decided so, hurrying to get a certificate of the birth of the girl before the return of the wife from the hospital. Olya with tears and apologies for the act of her husband told all her mother. The wise old woman pretended that she was not offended at all, and promised to love her girls even more. I can not help but notice that my mother-in-law, who was satisfied with her daughter-in-law's act, was on her first date with her namesake only three months later.
Of course, a young woman should think about strengthening her own family. But at what cost? Resignation - in this case in relation to her husband - is hardly appropriate. She can not inspire respect from her husband.
What to do?
So how to be a young woman, how to make "and the wolves are full and the sheep are safe"? This will require certain efforts, diplomatic abilities and even cunning. And also endurance and calmness - after all someone should keep a cold head in the conflict. Such qualities do not appear immediately, but throughout life.
First of all, we must stop shifting the blame on life, mother, husband, and calmly and courageously admit that in many ways you are to blame yourself.
In order to calm the mother and thereby prevent her from breaking down, show with deeds and express in words her respect, her love for her. Be interested in her well-being, talk more often with her and do not forget, as before, laugh and smile in conversations with her.
Try to look at her with eyes on everything that is happening in your house (her house), and after that some strange things in her behavior will turn for you into the logical actions of a middle-aged woman, perhaps the mother of a single daughter.
Do not challenge her with reproaches and threats, do not hurt her maternal feelings. Recognize your mistakes and mistakes of your husband, speak in a correct and friendly tone if, in your opinion, she is not right.
Just estimate her contribution to household chores and family budget. Try in the presence of outsiders to emphasize the importance of its role in creating an atmosphere of love and understanding in your family.
If you consider all this and take it into service, then you do not have to dictate to the mother the rules of decent behavior with the son-in-law, and you will not have to demand unconditional fulfillment of your instructions in her relationship with him.
You have already realized that you should not "remodel" your mother, nor do you need to re-educate your husband. You must act and change yourself. Otherwise, seemingly intolerable and insurmountable problems will overcome you. There is no greater failure than to be defeated - and not enemies, not disease, but gray daily routine is awesome. It is important to creatively, reasonably cope with family difficulties and not to endure not only rubbish, but also your weakness for people.
A strong woman is happy with happiness and smiles of trouble, because she understands that they are temporary. Unfortunately, it turned out that it is not easy to live under one roof and with your parents. Is it worth it for this reason to become gloomy, embittered, walk with a grim face and shout at your own mother and your husband? Of course not.
Remain, as before, cheerful and immediate, become wiser, finding a philosophical attitude to life: to be calm, kind to people and in beautiful, and in conflict, and in sad periods of being. And where there is self-control, where a person has overcome personal excitability, everyone immediately feels calm and relief. Feel it and your loved ones. After all, by and large, it was you who forced them to live in one apartment and suffer.
Author: Tatiana Porecki