Refusal, which one to choose the reaction to trouble?


It is said: "Ask, and it will be given to you." And what should I do if I asked, but was not given, because I received a refusal, which one to choose the reaction to the trouble?
How many recently written useful recommendations on the topic: "How to learn to say" no "! In fact, for many, this problem is very urgent: who wants to feel trouble-free and soft-bodied, allowing all to use their weaknesses? But there is another problem associated with this magic word. Not so untwisted , however, no less important. And how, actually, learn to hear "no"? What should I do if I receive a refusal, what kind of reaction to trouble? After all, it does not always happen as we would like. Often it's quite the opposite: you are at the reception - and you are told to "come tomorrow", call a friend with a request to help - and he says "I'm sorry, I can not", you make an unambiguous hint to a handsome man - and he offers "to remain friends" ... What to choose a reaction to trouble? After all, if every receipt of a refusal, which one to choose a reaction to trouble, how to perceive as a blow to fate, aimed at finishing off you personally, unhappy? After all, a serious neurosis can not be earned for long.

This is a terrible word ... First we will understand: where, in fact, are the great sufferings and experiences taken? What prevents us in response to a refusal to give up, forget and with a calm soul to consider other options? Firstly, the receipt of a refusal is perceived as a direct blow to the most tender place - by self-esteem. In the simplest childish situation, when my mother refused to buy a talking doll, it is not only a lack of toys that can be neglected (with equal interest, you can play silently), but that mom does not love you enough to fulfill your wish! Money to her, then, is more expensive and more important ?! Secondly, the known effect of sweetness of the forbidden fruit works.

What you do not get immediately becomes more attractive. After all, that voucher, which at the last moment the bosses presented to another employee, was certainly in some paradise! And a young man who did not want to meet with you, remember much more sharply than that which fulfilled all your whims. Thirdly, we have already been "trained" by the fact that consent is a weakness, and refusal is a force that those who deny us seem superior and successful. And we ourselves are in the role of hapless petitioners - weak and insignificant. Do not you know, when you receive a refusal, what kind of reaction to trouble? I want to pour out bitter tears of resentment, either to recoup, also to somebody forbidding someone ...

No, there is no trial ! So, not the very fact of refusal is terrible, but how important and serious it looks in our eyes. Realizing this, you can build the simplest defensive reactions. In the first case: in order not to be tormented by thoughts of personally directed offense towards you, it is sufficient to understand that the reason for the refusal is not at all what you are bad or not valuable enough. The one who did not do something for you, proceeded, first of all, from one's own interests. As, in principle, and most people. And this is natural. So it's perfectly normal that it was more important for a friend to visit the dochkin matinee than to help you choose a microwave. And if she had free time, she would surely agree. In the second case: from the hypnotizing installation "the largest fish - the one that fell off the hook" can be got rid of by soberly dismantling this very little fish by bones. That is, having analyzed all the object's shortcomings. Your first love once orphaned you forever for your mean "you are not in my taste"? Visit him now, many years later. Make sure that he is already bald, his wife is sawing, and from the melancholy they even flowers wither in pots. And do not suffer the unfulfilled! In the third case: do not believe the optical effect, which increases the rejection in your eyes. Think: who else likes to interfere, to prevent and in every possible way "not letting go", like small bipods, which can not be called all-powerful and prosperous?

Immediately nasominu nabesh ... Do you remember the installation described in the famous fable "Fox and Grapes"? This is one of the most common methods of psychological defense. It is simple and straightforward: "You will think, it was not very desirable! They refused - because they themselves are bad people, radishes, in a word! "And I must say that when you receive a refusal, and, of course, not in every situation, but in many cases this method really works. First of all, where you really should not spoil your nerves from scratch. Did not respond to your request in the store - they are worse, you will spend money from their competitors! Did not take your talented project - and OK, sell it to another customer, and more expensive. Humor is a good way to respond to a rejection. But do not break the stick: poisonous irony can poison the relationship.