Of course you can. For example, if your home is a spacious country house, where you can not see for weeks with your mother or your mother-in-law. Or if you know for sure that you will not be able to live with such a family for a long time and will become owners of your own housing in a maximum of 1-2 years. In these cases, the advice of the older generation will not seem intrusive, and comments will be perceived ironically: "Yes, it seems that it's time to arrange a training to close the tap - otherwise we will flood the entire entrance!" And for claims there is a joking form: "Mom, do not cook sausages in the morning." Their smell is absorbed into the clothes: all the cats of the district come to me. " Perhaps you will even like to live together and, moving about, you will experience a slight sadness ... If you have to live in a standard small room, and the prospects for individual housing are not expected, then the confrontation, even in its mildest form, is inevitable. Because it's not at all about who and how to farm or raise children. The essence of the conflict "two landladies" though manifests itself more often in the sphere of life, in fact, it is much deeper.
You are adults
And it's getting hard for adults to live with the previous generation. And this is the first reason for conflicts. After all, adulthood is the desire for independence, manifestation of initiative and affirmation in all spheres of life. But parents always have an ambivalent desire: on the one hand, they want to make the child independent to release him into adulthood, and on the other, they continue to take care of him! When you live separately, such touching care touches you. When joint - is a burden. It's impossible to feel grown-up when you are told every morning: "Go carefully, and be sure to eat hot for lunch!"
The second reason is lack of space. At the same time, strangely enough, the number of square meters and rooms is not so important - it's about the personal space. Each of us, though occasionally, needs to be alone with us: to ponder over in silence some important question for us (not being distracted by others), to be wholeheartedly lying on the couch (not expecting every minute reproach in laziness) or from the heart to sing in the bathroom (not embarrassed lack of voice and hearing). When we are deprived of the opportunity to behave as one likes, there arises a feeling of pressure and stiffness, a constant sensation: "I can not relax for a minute!" Hence - an increasing irritation on those who are depriving you of this opportunity. The third reason is the age difference. People of different generations have different habits and views of life. You can very much love your grandmother or mother, but their habit of washing clothes by hand ("So the color is better preserved") and then hanging clothes all over the apartment can be unbalanced. And if the second hostess - mother or mother-in-law - a woman of very old age, you can be hard energy. You constantly give her some of your energy and emotions and, accordingly, feel completely exhausted. The fourth reason is the problems of childhood. The child-parent relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is very complex. If in childhood you have experienced grievances, feelings of abandonment, lack of love, then these impressions can torment you all your life. It would seem that when you become adults, you have to forget everything, especially since now you can better understand the motives of the actions of your parents. It's clear that the younger sister was painful, because Mom and left with her for the whole summer to a sanatorium, she did not just leave you! But no. Emotions of childhood do not go away, and when also when living together - there are frictions, children's grievances are activated with renewed vigor. As a result, life under one roof can force a mother and daughter to tear each other for a long time with the events of the past and finding out who has offended whom then.
Be afraid of depression!
How long can you tolerate psychological discomfort? That did not begin to arise health problems - two years. It is believed that for this period a person will have enough emotional resources to cope with tension and maintain self-control. Longer cohabitation can have unpleasant consequences for the psyche. And the negative changes can manifest themselves not necessarily in hysterics or noisy scandals. Constantly lowered mood background, eternal expectation of "something bad" can cause development, the so-called syndrome of acquired helplessness. This is when a person ceases to think about "how to do better," but simply silently, endures trouble. Such apathy can lead to depression. Constant tension worsens and physical well-being: the back starts to hurt, headaches and a sense of loss of strength are possible.
If, in your home, conflicts are openly - with shouts, mutual accusations and smashing of dishes, then you are most likely relieved of stress. But in a few years there may be a feeling of unconscious anxiety and fear or different forms of obsessions ...
Well, if you share the fate of living together with parents with a husband or a regular partner. First, you have emotional support, the opportunity to discuss everything and the main thing is to talk out! Secondly, a man rarely gets involved in domestic disassembly and therefore becomes a stronghold of peace in the house.
What to do?!
Accustom yourself to the thought: "It's temporary." Even if there are no clear grounds for such hopes. Nothing so depressing as the idea that an unfavorable situation will last forever. Thinking that this will end sooner or later, you will be able to look at what is happening in the eyes of an outside observer, and not be so acute.
"I want to live separately, but it's impossible" - drive away these wrong thoughts. And the right thoughts are when you can describe your desire in detail and often think about it. And it's not that when you go into the fantasy world, you avoid negative reality. Psychologists say that everything we really want comes true.
Watch the men and learn from them. What happens when you and your mother (mother-in-law) step on the warpath because of incorrectly folded things in the closet? The man, as a rule, disappears imperceptibly, taking a place at the TV. And if you ask for his presence, he will still listen to you as if he is thinking about global warming. This behavior (leaving the situation) will help you to save your nerves. And mother (mother-in-law) you will not prove anything.
If in your home you often encounter aggression and reproaches, the best way to struggle is not to notice it. Imagine that the source of evil is behind the glass, and you can in your imagination change the color and density of this glass. Potolche - if the conversation turns into a senseless squabble, thinner - if you see that the interlocutor is ready for a normal dialogue. But as soon as you hear accusations, a dull soundproof glass falls between you. And behind him rushes someone muddy, screams, waving his hands - so badly seen ...
It is also necessary to get rid of one's own aggression. Only in ways that do not harm anyone. The simplest of them is running, any physical work. More respectable - yoga, classes in fitness centers. There are computer games where you need to find the villains and save mankind from them.
Express claims in small doses. It is better to make small comments more often: people react to them more calmly and do not take offense. If you remain silent for a long time, there is a big scandal ahead - after all the accumulated stress will still require a way out.
Do not fight for the right to wear the title of "best hostess." It will not give you any advantages from the daughter-in-law. But the right to personal territory defend your mother-in-law! You should have your own corner, where only your things are, where you can enjoy at least minutes of peace.
You can, of course , long to try to calm yourself, trying not to pay attention to reproaches and insults, to pretend that you are indifferent to the one who obviously provokes you to a scandal. But everyone, even angelic patience, sometimes comes to a limit, and if you feel that you are about to break, try using the simplest techniques to relieve tension. They help to relieve stress.
1. At times of stress, individual parts of the body - the neck, shoulders, abdomen, jaws - often strain. Find on your body the area where you feel the greatest tension. Close your eyes, concentrate on this place, maximally strain it for 3-4 seconds, and then relax. You will feel the stress go away.
2. Sit back, sit down, close your eyes, imagine a rainbow in front of you. Slowly take a deep breath and ... enter the very top of the rainbow. And on exhalation - leave it like a slide.
Test:
How do you feel at home?
1. When the weekend or holidays are approaching, you are thinking of where to run away from home for these days.
2. You are irritated when you hear a conversation in the next room, the sounds of the TV or the sound of water.
Z. You are uncomfortable to eat at the same table, and you try to avoid joint dinners and other contacts.
4. There are trifles, from which the mood constantly deteriorates.
5. You are confronted with the fact that your requests and wishes regarding everyday life are ignored.
6. Your communication is hostile (mutual comments, complaints, ridicule).
7. Returning home, you think "It would be nice if she (them) was not at home."
8. You feel better when you are away from home (at work, at friends, in a store, in a cafe).
9. You do not want to invite friends and acquaintances.
10. You have a feeling that you are being wrong.
Variants of answers:
"No, this does not happen" - 1 point "This happens rarely" - 2 points "Happens, and quite often" - 3 points "It happens all the time" - 4 points
Summing up:
You scored 10 points: in joint living with your mother-in-law, you see only pluses, and in this ... problem. It speaks of your infantilism. You are waiting for the council of elders in everything. However, if everything suits you, is it worth changing something?
You scored 10 to 20 points: you experience the stress of everyday life: people living under the same roof begin to experience negative emotions. It is important that there is no personal dislike. It seems that the family is good with a sense of humor - appreciate it! You scored from 20 to 30 points: Stress is quite high. If you live with your husband's family, this is normal, and if with your parents, be specific in your requests: "Do not go into my room when I rest, and let my robe hang here." Sharp? Sometimes difficulties in communication are solved only in this way.
You scored from 30 to 40 points: you experience constant stress. Do not try to make a relationship better. Keep contacts to a minimum: "Good morning." Live peacefully as neighbors. Paradox: in this case, the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law can become warmer.