6-12 months: first meeting with the authorities
All parents face daily the need to say "no" to a tiny toddler who looks at them with appealing eyes and sharply starts to cry. However, this does not mean that you must surrender and give way in everything. On the contrary, the earlier you set the rules guiding and protecting the child, the faster he will grow up. By 6-7 months, babies like to tear off glasses from the grandmother's nose and pull at the mother's necklace. This is perfectly normal, they are just experiencing the period of development when one wants to explore unfamiliar faces, try to put your fingers in your mouth, nose, ears and pulling at brilliant and such attractive ornaments for them! You should not let the child behave this way and laugh at it. It's better if you gently but resolutely take his hand and, after making a disapproving face, say: "No, this is a good thing, I value it very much, if you pull it, you will break it, and I will not like it!" at the age of more than 6 months, hearing such an explanation, is able to realize that this can not be done, and will switch his attention to toys and rattles. Mimicry of parents combined with gestures will make him stop.
The rule of three "can not"
From the age of 12 months, the child's behavior is driven by an "epistemological" impulse (this too complicated expression explains that the child is hungry for a new experience, wants to explore the world around him, move, walk, touch everything). This desire for independence and discovery inevitably puts the baby face to face with dangers. And then you must inform the child and apply in his upbringing what psychologists call the rule of the three "impossible": you can not expose yourself to danger, you can not endanger others and you can not become a domestic despot, that is, you must respect others and their personal things. These prohibitions should be explained to the child in an orderly manner at the moment when he only began to communicate with the surrounding world and move independently. If you do not, if, for example, you allow him to climb the table, he can fall and get hurt. This negative experience will drive him away from the desire to start anew, and the braking mechanisms that will hinder his progress and development will turn on. To quickly and easily assimilate the life rules and the foundations of power, the child must naturally and reliably rely on the adults who bring him up. Every time he was attracted to something new, the child turns to the parent and seeks in his gaze or words permission to stop or continue. If the parent calls him or looks disapproving, then this will be enough for the child to obey and return. If his facial expression is approving, if he says: "Come on, you can go!", The child acquires confidence and continues his actions. Parent and child co-ordinate their actions. The power of the elder is expressed without the use of violence, and the child learns the basis of behavior, which is the basis for further relations with society.
2-3 years: confrontation of the parent "no" and "no" self-assertive baby
By the age of 2, the child is inclined to think that he is the center of the universe and only with his desires should be considered surrounding. The famous psychologist Jean Piaget was the first to give a special characteristic to children from 2 to 7 years of age: they are characterized by egocentrism. Do not confuse with the selfishness of the child, it is a question of the way of thinking. At this age, the child likes to take more than give, and it would be fine if everything was for him. He considers his opinion the most important and can not put himself in the place of another. That's where the whims and terrible tantrums that he suits, when he is denied what he wants. This period of self-assertion in the development of the child lasts up to three and a half years. In continuation of this "phase of negation," the child must resist the adults and pronounce the word "no" to become a separate person and assert themselves. "He says no to do the opposite! At this point in life, it is necessary for the child to understand the limits of his omnipotence. It is recommended that the child be allowed to express himself and develop his personality, but at the same time one must be able to say "no" to "no" of the child. If the child has previously learned the limitations that protect him, now he just needs restrictions. He is not alone in the world! If possible, you should explain to the child why he should not do it, but in some cases you need to teach him the rules in a harsh way: "Stop, I told you" no "- then no!", Raising her voice and making big eyes. For this "no" to be useful, you can designate a time ban: "You're still very small, you can do it when you're big" - and then: "No, you can not go alone, I'll help you." The child will accept restrictions in an atmosphere of benevolence and mutual trust. " The child more willingly accepts parental prohibitions and fears when his personal state of mind is respected, and his parents are friendly to him.
3-4 years: symbolic prohibitions
Specific rules of life in society are important for the child, but symbolic prohibitions are necessary to him to help realize the power. At the age of the Oedipus complex, little girls want to marry their father, and little boys want to marry their mother. Love for one of the parents pushes them to take the place of the parent-rival, but they feel terribly guilty, because, of course, they are very fond of both parents. It is important that Oedipal desire is faced with the prohibition of incest, which the parents report to the child, that the children do not marry and do not marry their parents. When parents say "no" to the desires of the child, "no" to his unrealizable fantasies, they show their power and confront the child with reality. And then the child understands that he must reckon with the desires of other people. If you tell him "no", you will teach him clear life rules that will help him create his own internal security. He realizes that he is a civilized human being with the same rights and duties as everyone else.
5-6 years: everyday rules
The power of the elders manifests itself in the observance of the daily routine that organizes the child. In the morning we get up, get dressed and have breakfast. Snack at 4.30. If the child does not want to eat it, let him not eat. Do not give him sweets or allow him to eat a snack at 6 pm. In the evening it's time to leave and go to sleep on your bed. If you teach a child these settings, supported by precise rules, the child can slowly but surely move toward independence. It's amazing that an obedient child is much more independent than a naughty child. If you go on about all the desires of the child, he feels anxious. And the manifestation of power can calm him down. Just do not build an exemplary parent, when the child was just born. Power manifests itself and grows stronger gradually, in the interaction of the child and the parent. Prohibitions are imposed little by little. You can not demand everything from the child at once. Parenting is not an iron hand, you should not try to "bend" the child, but help him become a good person.