A disaster with a happy end
In the novel by William Styroon "Sophie's Choice" heroine, who fell into a concentration camp, the Gestapo made her choice in life a rather difficult situation: one of her two children - a son or daughter - will be killed immediately, and who will be saved by life. Answering this question, she condemned herself to years of suffering and, although she escaped from the concentration camp, committed suicide, unable to bear the feelings of guilt.
Do you think that before such an alternative and a choice in the life of a rather complicated situation, a woman can only be put in a war? Unfortunately no. After the tsunami in Thailand in 2004, the whole world went around the story of Australian Gillian Searle. She was sitting on the beach with her sons: a year and a half Blake and a 5-year-old Lachi, when the first wave came. Gillian grabbed the children - and realized that she was being carried away by the current at sea.
To save yourself , you had to hold onto the trunk of the palm tree, which means that one of the children should be released. "I decided it would be better if it was an older one," she told reporters later. But Lachi could not swim, feared water and begged his mother to save him. Gillian asked a woman to hold the boy next to him. Everything happened in seconds, and now she lost sight of her son. This story, unlike the novel, has a happy ending. The Australian saved the baby, and the elder she and her husband tracked down two hours after the disaster: although that foreign woman threw it too, he swam somehow like a dog to the hotel and climbed into the room where the water had already run off. A few days later, when the Searles flew home, the boy was still crying continuously and holding his mother's hand.
How did Gilian go about this? Why did she let go of the eldest child? Did not he know how to swim, just like the younger one? Given that the decision had to be made instantly, it was a difficult choice in life, based on her real feelings and subconscious impulses, without considering the opinions of others or ethical principles. In such cases, when, say, you need to choose whom to save from the fire: a wife or a child, a person saves someone who is more important to him for good reasons. They save the one they love more, or the one to whom they feel guilty, or the one who "got harder", say, a late and suffering child. The reasons can be different.
The most important thing is that this woman made a choice in life rather complicated, and did not abandon it, otherwise everyone would have died. She is a good mother, because she intuitively felt which of the children has more chances. And she was rewarded for her courage by God or fate.
Fantasy about twins
The upcoming elections in life are quite difficult in an extreme situation - a rare trial that falls to the lot of just a few people. But each of us had to choose a job, men, friends, future. Why is the choice so difficult?
Because we have to give up all opportunities except one. We experience it beforehand as parting, loss of something important. One patient of a psychologist, a young woman, could not conceive for a long time, made many attempts at artificial insemination, and finally, the doctors said that everything was in order. But the peculiarity of this method is that several eggs are fertilized at once. It was necessary to make a choice which ones to leave and which ones to remove. Each of the future children is a happy opportunity, everyone can become a genius, handsome, Olympic champion, just a gentle and loving child ... Under the influence of fantasies about happy motherhood she could not make a choice and left all four eggs. Now she has four twins, and you can imagine what a terrible load this is. The woman appealed to me because anxiety for children does not allow her to lead a normal life. She hides all sharp objects, stuffed the house with alarm, at night almost does not sleep and can not stay alone with the children - only in the presence of her husband. In fact, her obsessive thoughts about an accident or an attack of robbers are the result of the fact that she pushed her own hatred of children into the subconscious. Of course, she does not know about it. Externally caring and tender mother, she embodied the fantasy of ideal motherhood, the idea of herself as a woman unlike other, an exceptional mother who never loses her children (even at the egg stage). But how expensive it cost a fantasy!
Similar examples , when a person can not choose from two excellent opportunities, because he is at the mercy of false ideas, is a multitude. Another patient of the psychologist for a long time doubted how to act: to stay with her husband, an intelligent, subtle, educated person with whom she was always interested, or go to her lover - also not stupid, but still simpler, but with money, enterprising, successful. I chose a divorce, married a lover, but continues to suffer. It is not enough to make a choice external, that is an act. The main thing is the inner choice. If a person is ready to cope with the loss of one of the opportunities, there is a mental and mental processing of the loss, as therapists say, the process of "mourning." Resigned, you can live on. But many are not able to accept loss, their lives turn into hell. This woman has not yet reclaimed her loss, she is always missing something, she suffers from depression. She did not make the inner choice. It still seems to her that she may have a spouse that fully meets all of her requirements: both clever, and cheerful, and enterprising, and wealthy. But in reality this does not happen.
Restless apartment
Another reason why choosing a life is difficult enough, becomes a difficult task - unwillingness to take responsibility. From the point of view of Demyan Popov, in our culture the choice is complicated by the fact that we, unlike Europeans and Americans, are traditionally closely connected with parents, family, clan. We are supposed to patronize and support children, providing a powerful link between generations. Ward, on the one hand, gives a sense of security, on the other - does not allow growing up. Young people do not want and do not know how to answer for their lives. For example, a guy recently applied with such a problem: he graduated from college, but he does not like the specialty, and he will not decide what to do. I tried one job, another, I quit and sits at home, at my mother's under the wing. It would seem that this is a professional choice, but in reality it is a choice between two possibilities: to lead an adult life with all its merits and demerits or to remain a child. Friends, a girl, a father push the guy to find, finally, some work, he became independent. The girl threatens to leave. Friends no longer invite him to a cafe, because he has no money. At the same time, my mother is good, nothing to worry about. This guy needs to finish the separation process, which takes place in several stages: cutting the umbilical cord, weaning, the first class, the puberty period, and then the chicks must fly out of the nest. Separation is very difficult if adult children live with their parents.
Home scandals involving mom and husband are a scourge of families forced to live in the same territory. According to Demyan Popov, in a situation where a woman gets "between two fires" - a resentment of a mother who did not please the son-in-law and the offense of a son-in-law who does not like his mother-in-law - the choice is unequivocal. An adult woman should be able to draw a line between her personal life and her parents' family. You can listen to the arguments of relatives, but you need to firmly let them know that although you love them, you will deal with your own life independently. The same applies to the relationship of the husband with his relatives.
When a person assumes responsibility and makes choices in the life of rather difficult situations for all his actions, it becomes much easier to live. There comes a sense of freedom. There is a chance to realize, instead of fulfilling someone's desires and ideas. When a person realizes, he lives a happy life, each new choice becomes less painful for him, because he accepts losses more easily.
Daffodils on the Titanic
The outcome of every concrete choice in life is quite complex, the one before us is in some sense predetermined by our personal history and the structure of the psyche. For example, if the decision made is causing damage to someone, most people feel guilty. But only some make an important choice under the influence of this feeling. One of my acquaintances, a married man, suffered terribly from the break with a young mistress, but did not even think about divorce. To his wife binds duty and compassion: she is sick with diabetes.
A normal sense of guilt is embedded in the structure of the psyche. Parents explain to the child what to do can be done, and what can not be done, thereby forming his super-ego. Doing the wrong things, he feels guilty. But in the personality of a hysterically depressive warehouse, the sense of guilt grows to a pathological scale. And, on the contrary, in people of the psychopathic type, super-ego and guilt are absent in principle - it is replaced by fear. The psychopath will make a decision, guided by fear for himself, and the interests of other people do not bother him at all. Psychopaths often become homeless children or children from very dysfunctional families, of whom there is no one to care for.
But the personality of the narcissistic warehouse has a predominant sense of shame. If we experience guilt when doing something that does not correspond to our internal standards, then shame is the fear of looking bad in the eyes of others. For the narcissist, it is unbearably to prove to be weak, untenable, in need of something. In some cases, he would prefer to sacrifice his life than to humble himself before someone. Let us recall, for example, the tragic story of the Titanic. While passengers of the second and third class stormed boats, aristocrats in the living room were drinking champagne. Education did not allow them to participate in this dirty fuss. They preferred to perish, but to preserve dignity.
The personality of the so-called obsessive-compulsive type tends to obsessive thoughts and actions, therefore, it can never make the final choice. Such a person will change decisions endlessly or refuse to choose at all, because it frightens him. In the choice he sees not the possibilities, but the traps: on the left you will go - you will lose the horse, on the right you will go - the sword will break ... When others give advice to this person, he always finds the counterargument: "It's good, but ...".
The cause of indecision can also lie in another: in fear of aggression. Aggression is present in every person, but for some people its manifestation is prohibited. If in the family aggression was considered something unacceptable and terrible, or if parents did not allow the child to express their needs and true feelings, he grows insecure, dependent, and infantile. To the same results can lead to a strong shock experienced in childhood. One boy, when he was young, struck another boy with a stone and was terribly afraid that he had killed him. Since then, there is an internal ban on aggression for him. He does not feel anger, does not realize that he is angry, can not resist external influences and as a result lives someone else's life. Our task is to help him realize his anger, and then learn how to express it.
The canonical example of such a person is the hero of the "Autumn Marathon". He is not in a position to deny anyone, to offend anyone, and that is why he can not choose between two women. At some point, when a large mountain is added to the major problems, he suddenly explodes: he yells at a colleague who has been sitting on his neck for many years; refuses to shake hands with the scoundrel. The viewer has a hope that he is about to take fate in his own hands, make an important decision ... But this is an illusion. The metaphorical finale shows the actor jogging under the autumn rain: he, as always, runs away from the challenges that life throws.